


Black Treacle

by littlenoona



Series: r u mine? [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha!zayn, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Angst, Beta!Niall, Emotional Infidelity, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, F/M, Freeform, Genderbending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Omega!Harry, Omega!Liam, Original Character(s), Self-Lubrication, Underage Drinking, alpha!louis, girl!Harry, girl!Liam - Freeform, girl!Zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-10 01:52:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 68,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3272375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlenoona/pseuds/littlenoona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam wasn't gay. She wasn't. She liked dick. She'd never seen one in person, but she'd watched enough porn during her heats to have a pretty good idea of what they looked like, kinda scary but well, that's just how they looked like. She liked them. She was supposed to, right? She was an omega, was supposed to want an alpha, a male alpha, to stuff her full of his pups and make her his good girl. So why the fuck was she fingering herself to the girl next door?<br/>(or the fic where liam doesn't like girls  and zayn will punch whoever looks at liam in the throat and harry just wants zayn to fuck her and niall just wants to have a simple date with his girlfriend and louis just wants to fool around // genderswap!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. now the sky looks sticky, more like black treacle than tar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam decided that she had lived a perfectly normal life until the Malik's moved in next door. // title credit - black treacle - arctic monkeys

  
Liam decided that she had lived a perfectly normal life until the Malik's moved in next door. She had. She was a cheerleader, and well liked, had a lot of friends and good grades, was active in after school activities. She liked her life. She liked her parents, her dad and her step-mum and older sister. Everything was okay. She was sure of everything. Despite being one of the most popular girls in school (not that she really thought so but most people did, so there was that), she didn't really have a boyfriend. But, Liam told herself, she was just waiting. Waiting for the right guy. He would be handsome, tall, with a car. Maybe someone on the rugby team.

The person Liam was waiting for would be a boy, a man, a strong alpha who would give her what she needed and deserved. He'd sweep her off her feet, and they'd ride off to the sunset in his convertible and have a happily ever after that involved kids, so many kids. Liam had presented as an omega three summers ago, though, to be fair, most people expected it. She was always so gentle and docile and always looked to other people for guidance.

Her first heat had been a quiet, albeit embarrassing affair. Her step mum, Grace, bought her a box of toys and trays of food every few hours. Liam didn't like it, not one bit. She felt sweaty and hot and couldn't go to school because her scent was too strong and her parents feared she'd be mauled by those already hormonal teenage alphas (and even a few betas and the occasional omega). And she was just slick, couldn't get enough fingers into herself. One of the toys had a knot that built up after a time, which helped the fever slightly. Once her body realized that it wasn't real, the cycle started all over again.

She couldn't look Grace in the eye for three days, thankful that her father had been away on a company business trip.

_"It's normal, honey," she cooed gently, helping Liam load her sheets into the washer in the laundry room. "Every omega goes through heats. We talked about this."_

_"This is going to happen every month?" Liam asked, paling. She didn't think she could do it again, body writing in her sheets for a whole week, unable to go more than an hour without her fingers jammed up inside of her, crying out._

_"Or every two or three months. It depends what kind of cycle your body's on." Liam started to cry, and Grace pulled her into her chest. "Baby, listen to me. It's okay, you know? This is normal. Your body's just getting ready for when you're old enough to have a baby, which won't be for a few years anyway."_

Liam, despite all her pleading and crying, couldn't get her parents to agree to buy her suppressants. They were dangerous for fully developed omegas, not to mention someone like Liam, a pubescent teenage girl who had only gone through a few heats. Her heat came every month, on the last Friday, and lasted exactly five days. Those were the longest five days of her life.

Her heats were manageable, at least. She knew when they would come and could take the week before to prepare, mentally brace herself. Her dad always had somewhere to be that week, which was comforting. Whenever Liam felt like she was okay enough to go outside for fresh air, even for a walk around the block, she'd get scented by almost every alpha, which was why she had to call Niall over. Niall was a beta who was on the fencing team, but he'd keep her safe from all those leering, scary alphas who catcalled and blew kisses and asked if she wanted a knot to tide her over.

By the time Liam was sixteen, she was old enough to find someone. A mate. And he couldn't be anyone, she would tell herself at night, curling into a body pillow. He would have to be the right person. Perfect.

♥♥♥

When the Malik family moved in next door, Grace made them a pie. That's how all this started. She made them a damn pie, and the Maliks found out about how well she could cook, which turned into Grace inviting them over for dinner.

"It's Southern hospitality, sunshine," Grace said, wiping her hands on her apron. Liam said nothing, simply frowned. She was supposed to go to a party that night, and meet a few of Jade's alpha friends. This was supposed to be her year, damn it. And she couldn't start the year by staying at home and having dinner with their neighbors.

Grace was so warm and welcoming, and was pretty friendly to most people. So it was no surprise to Liam to learn she'd hit it off well with the mother, who Liam later learned was named Trisha, and bang! The Maliks were coming over on Saturday night, the night Jade was having her big back to school bash, and the night where a lot of omegas met their alphas. Even if Liam was sure she wouldn't mate with them right then and there, she was supposed to meet someone. Liam didn't want to have dinner with their weird neighbors (they were just weird, with their friendly smiles and the way they kept giving her mum curry) but one look from her father made her shut up before she could protest any further.

She pulled the soft yellow dress over her head, brushing the white collar out before brushing a lint roll over herself to make sure she looked presentable. Her brown curls were, as usual, an unruly mess that she had to tackle for a good twenty minutes before they finally hung in straight layers. She wore a little bit of makeup, not much, since it was just dinner. She eyed the calendar. Her heat would be here in two days, long enough for Liam to get over it before school started.

Liam was setting the table when they came over.

It was a family of four girls - Zayn, Doniya, Waliyha, and Safaa. Trisha's husband was a businessman and couldn't manage to get out of a meeting with a potential client, so he missed dinner. (Apparently, this was a common thing, though Liam wouldn't learn that until much later either.) Grace, her step mum, ran to answer the door, tight black curls bouncing down her back. She was wearing a pretty blue skirt, white shirt tucked into it with a red belt accentuating her hips. Not that Grace needed any help in that department, because she really was stunning, even in a pair of trackies and wife beater. It was horrible.

"Trish!" Grace exclaimed. Liam rolled her eyes, setting the forks and spoons down. She went to fetch the glasses from the armoire, setting them down around the table. This was stupid. It was so stupid. Her father brought out the dishes, setting them down in the center of the table. Grace had spent the whole day cooking. She was from the States, from Georgia, more specifically, and took dinners really seriously.

(Evan, her dad, had met Grace at, of all places, Big Ben. She was a tourist who had gotten lost, and Evan was a tour guide that summer. He worked as a teacher, but did odd jobs during the summer to make ends meet. He said it was love at first sight, and had made Liam want to gag until she actually saw them together at the airport. Grace was a beautiful omega, lithe and thin, big hair and soft hazel eyes and pouty lips, and she could see why her dad liked her so much. Aside from her looks, she was down to earth and sweet, and Liam knew that she loved her father very much too. The wedding was a small, pleasant affair, in their garden with a few friends and family members. Liam had to stay with Ruth during their honeymoon to Paris, but she didn't mind it too much. She smelled like... well, a mum. Warm and happy, like cinnamon and spices and something earthy.)

Grace insisted that the Payne's didn't know food until they'd had soul food, and they had to agree. She definitely wasn't a fan of those foods normally, but something about the way Grace made and seasoned her sweet potatoes and collards and mash and gravy made Liam's mouth water every time. It wasn't good for her diet, but what her coach didn't know really couldn't hurt. She took her usual seat across from Grace, crossing her arms over her chest. She didn't even bother to greet the newcomers, staring instead at her tall glass of water.

Liam could smell an alpha, faintly, but she wasn't sure. The woman didn't have any sons. Four daughters, who Liam could hear talking quietly in the living room.

"Liam," Grace cooed gently, prodding at her with her sweet voice. Except, she wasn't cooing, and anyone who knew Grace knew that it was her stop acting foolish tone. Liam knew better, was the thing, she really did. She just wasn't in the mood to deal with people, especially new people. Part shyness, and part stubbornness. Liam looked up at Grace, about to glare at her and hiss something about fucking off, but the look on her face melted any resolve Liam had to do so.

"Hello," she greeted politely, standing up. "How do you do?" She only saw Trisha, a sweet omega, really, but still. Liam could have been at a party, with Louis. Louis fucking Tomlinson. She wanted to cry, she didn't want to meet these stupid omegas and betas, wanted to dance the night away with alphas. She had heard about the girls all week. Apparently, Zayn, the oldest, was starting school with her next week, not that Liam really cared because she didn't think she'd be seeing her around anyway.

And then a girl with the softest hair Liam had ever seen walked in, arms crossed over her chest. The scent Liam had found earlier was only made stronger, made Liam's cool cheeks burn hotly. She smelled good, was the thing. A female alpha? How could that even work? Her dad was a beta, and Grace was an omega, so it wasn't common but definitely not unheard of. Unlike a female alpha, which was rare indeed.

Liam was probably gaping at her stupidly, but couldn't stop herself even if she wanted to. She just smelled so good, like something sweet and sour and musky all at the same time, made her knees go weak. Liam braced her hands against the table. She only felt that way because of her heat. Her heat was only a few short forty eight hours away. That was why she was acting like such a desperate twat.

Zayn was wearing a dress with sleeves despite the fact that England was going through a massive heat wave, but the hem ghosted her thighs. Which, Liam noticed, were encased in tights, feet in a simple pair of boots. Her makeup wasn't dark but wasn't light, either. The girl looked like she was going to kill someone, or to a concert. Maybe both. Liam wanted to know how her skin would feel, and the thoughts made her feel like she was on fire. She was being burned, and wished more than ever that she had gone to Jade's party, all so she could have been able to avoid this alpha, with her... eyes. Like she fucking knew, like she could smell Liam. Which, well wasn't completely impossible, but still. For fuck's sake.

She felt exposed.

When Liam looked her in the eye, she could have died. Zayn's eyes were big and round and soft and Liam could have choked, had she been eating or drinking anything. Liam waved awkwardly and mumbled something stupid. Zayn's lips twitched up, just a little, dark red lipstick stretching. Her eyelashes were long, wings on her eyeliner flawless. Liam bit back the whine that built up in her throat, settling instead for pressing her traitorous thighs together.

"I'm Zayn," she said simply, like Liam didn't know, hadn't heard about her all week. Liam thought she'd be the biggest dork, was the thing. Dumb. Grace said that Trisha said that all her oldest daughter did was draw and listen to music, didn't care much for being outdoors, so of course Liam had thought that she would be some frumpy nobody. Not... well, who she really was. She never mentioned that Zayn was an alpha, which would have been nice to know.

♥♥♥

Liam's heat came a whole fucking day early. Shit. She was eating breakfast with Grace, and then - well. There it was. The warmth crept up her neck and spine, invading her body and leaving her soaked with sweat in two seconds flat. Grace looked up from her oatmeal and the newspaper, and then, sighed, knowingly as Liam pulled herself away from the table and ran up the stairs to lock herself in her heat room, which was really just the guest room, but since they hardly ever had guests spend the night, that was her heat room. Fucking hell. She was planning on using that day to prepare for her heat, find her toys and lube and wash her clothes and buy snacks and - fuck.

Liam could barely breathe, opening her window for some fresh air. She could barely stand it, couldn't stand being so sticky and hot and empty, she was so fucking empty, tears already pooling in her brown eyes as she threw her clothes into a corner. Being naked helped, a little, but not very much. Her nipples stood at attention, dusky pink and sensitive as she reached up into her closet, squirming as she shook and whined.

The box was a pretty pink thing, tied with a ribbon and painted with glitter and cute things. Inside were her toys. She had a pink and white wand, a simple pink bullet, another pink wand, a dildo, beads, and her favorite. It was long and had veins and whenever she fooled around with it, the knot would form and plug her for maybe ten minutes before her body realized the issue. Then there were a few other things, clamps and lube in case she wanted to try beads, which she never did, but. Liam climbed onto her bed, grabbing her wand and flicking it on.

A hand cupped her breast and toyed at her nipple idly, soft moans and pants leaving her lips. Her parents had the soundness of mind to soundproof her heat room - because at least then no one would have to really hear Liam's crying for a good knot to plug her up - which Liam was going to be eternally thankful for. Her slick was starting to pool in her underwear, which she'd kept on solely to trap her slick there and keep it from getting all over the floor. The room was covered in Liam's essence - no matter how much she scrubbed it away after the fact it always lingered in the fabrics of her sheets and carpets and towels.

Liam tried to think about her alpha, at first, a man, a good, strong man, thick and hung with experience to match, who'd give her the fucking of her life. No dice. She tugged down her panties, soaked with shiny, clear slick that smelled like a fucking garden. God, she wanted to be so full. She pressed the wand against her swollen clit, crying out at the contact. Nothing helped, not thoughts about boys or cocks or anything, none of the usual's.

She cried proper, tears rolling down her cheeks because all she wanted was to come and had never had such a difficult time getting there before. Maybe it was the angle? She stood up, facing the window. She propped one leg on the bed, bent slightly, and the other firmly on the floor, slick coating her thighs and hands as she rubbed the toy against herself.

"Fuck," she hissed, hips bucking. Her chest bounced, perky breasts hitching up and down as she moved. When Liam opened her eyes, she wanted to die. Zayn was staring at her, right and proper leering. She was sitting at her window, simply watching Liam. She met Liam's eyes and flicked down to her wand, which only made her cry out louder and buck, desperate. She didn't know how to feel - Zayn was just staring at her and Liam couldn't fucking help herself, body itching and whining and so pent up and tight.

She squirted, slick gushing out of her as her orgasm knocked her right off her feet and onto her bed, wand still pressed against her cute little clit. She shook as the aftershocks rippled through her, tugging the wand away after a time because she was so sensitive. She was ashamed of herself.

Liam had come to the thought of Zayn's face pressed up against her thighs, cooing and calling her soft pet names as she lapped at her.

♥♥♥

School started two days after her heat ended. Liam had never fingered herself over one person so much. Even after she'd shut her curtains, she could feel Zayn's curious gaze on her, and even after her heat, she found her fingers slipping inside her tight walls at the thought of Zayn. It didn't matter what part of Zayn she thought about. At one point during her heat, she even came to the thoughts of Zayn's hands spanking and tugging at her bum, squishing the flesh. She was sick, clearly. Demented.

Liam had, for reasons she didn't quite understand, started looking for more and more excuses to see Zayn. Not like she would go over and beg Zayn to hang out (not cool) but she just... looked for her. A lot over those two days. Even after her heat, which was embarrassing as fuck because Zayn saw her touching herself, saw her slick, saw how she pawed at herself like some desperate hussy.

Liam's room looked out into the neighbor's yard, but it was the wrong yard. The only thing of interest there was the neighbors' beta, a kid in a grade lower than Jade's named Bernie. The room across the hall, Liam's heat room, on the other hand, had the perfect view of not only the yard, but Zayn's room. Zayn always kept her curtains shut, heavy and black. Except at night. The night before school started, Liam may or may not have peeked over her window sill to watch Zayn undress. Zayn was beautiful, long black hair that ghosted the small of her back, a soft, supple bum and legs that went on and on for miles. She turned, and Liam's hand slipped inside her pants anyway, even though she had to get to sleep so she wouldn't be tired and grumpy the next day.

She came in almost a minute flat because Zayn was rubbing lotion on her arms and legs, breasts bouncing with the effort. Fuck.

Liam wasn't gay. She wasn't. She liked dick. She'd never seen one in person, but she'd watched enough porn during her heats to have a pretty good idea of dicks. She liked them. She was supposed to. She was an omega, was supposed to want an alpha, a male alpha, to stuff her full of his pups and make her his good girl. So why the fuck was she fingering herself to the girl next door?

Zayn was unlike anyone Liam had ever met before. Most people, for some reason or another, wanted to appease Liam. They wanted Liam to like them, wanted to be her friend so they could be popular too, or a cheerleader, or gain something else, like a boyfriend. They wanted her ultimately because she was an omega, and most alphas and betas had an instinctive urge to coddle omegas, cuddle them and hold them close and spoil them something rotten.

But Zayn was too cool, too aloof, didn't seem impressed by Liam one single bit. That wasn't flying, hell no. Not in Liam's school. Liam ran this shit. She was the head bitch, head bitch in charge and she'd be damned if this alpha wouldn't fall prey to her charms. Even if she was a girl. But Liam feared, as she watched the pretty girl lean against her window sill and suck on a white stick, breasts hanging freely in the air, that things would soon be changing.

♥♥♥

On the first day of school, Liam got up early to get ready. She packed her backpack with new notebooks, pencils, pens, all her summer assignments neatly typed out and in separate folders. Her shower was quick, but it took her a while to manage her hair, again, and then, there was the colossal task of picking out an outfit. She didn't even finger herself. She was damn proud, and had every right to be. She'd be putting Zayn in her damn place today. When Grace had taken her shopping for school clothes just three short weeks ago, Liam had found some really stylish outfits and had already planned out her wardrobe for the next week.

Suddenly, the outfits in her closet were so... plain. Boring. Not... interesting, and she doubted they'd get Zayn's attention. She turned her stereo on, nice and loud. Grace had bought it to her when she moved in, hoping to get Liam to like her. Liam already liked her, but it was the thought that mattered. Liam's hands skim over her outfits, fingers tugging uncertainly before letting go. Why did she even care what Zayn thought anyway?

_I'm so crown, bow down bitches._

Because she was probably going to be so popular, with her long hair and exotic features and plush lips and perky chest and - what the hell? Liam shook her head, as if to shoo the thoughts away. Enough of this shit. Liam had given Zayn more than enough attention all week. She didn't need anymore. Damn it. She adjusted her bra strap, tapping her foot to the beat playing in her room. What would Beyonce do?

_I'm comin' down, drippin' candy on the ground._

Liam tugged down a peach blouse and pair of high-waisted pants, blue with black buttons. Cute. She huffed as she buttoned them, looking up. She was getting a little bloated, which usually happened after her heats and would probably be gone by the end of the day. She huffed her hair out of face, brown curls flopping into her face rebelliously. She almost tumbled off her bed in shock. She knew that getting dressed in her guest room would get her into trouble.

_I look so good tonight, goddamn, goddamn!_

Her mouth went dry. Zayn was in her room, doing her hair. She brushed it out, back to Liam as she smoked a cigarette, stick hanging from her plump lips. Liam didn't know why that simple act made the hairs on her neck and arms stand on end, thighs pressed together as the slick began to build, but she shut her eyes and turned away. Liam worked on her makeup next, but shook so badly that she had to forego eyeliner and mascara completely, and instead went for a bit of a nude look. Good. She looked... good. Right? Fucking hell.

After eating breakfast with Grace, she told her she'd be walking to school. She needed the exercise, she reminded herself as she walked down her porch steps. Not like she wanted to walk with Zayn or anything. No. Nope. Liam hung around the front of her house for a minute or two before she felt stupid, like she was being stared at, even though all the lights were turned off in Zayn's house except for the one coming from her room, which didn't face the street, so Zayn wouldn't have any way of knowing Liam was there. Liam walked briskly to school, cheeks still pink when she walked through the gates and greeted her friends.

(She'd be lying if she said she didn't listen to Beyonce power anthems on the way to school, ready to both slay and find her alpha. She was going to find him this week. This shit was getting out of hand.)

♥♥♥

Liam had been wrong about Zayn. Contrary to what had worried her for a week, when she wasn't fooling around that is, Zayn wasn't instantly popular, but she was the subject of speculation. Though, not for anything that won her any friends, much to Liam's secret chagrin. Why the fuck did she want people to like Zayn? Zayn, who hadn't done anything but frustrate her all damn week? She wasn't Liam's alpha. She was an alpha, just like Liam was an omega - they were separate entities, and that's how it was going to stay.

Liam burned with a jealous sort of rage when she found out about what happened. She told herself that it was because of Louis, not because it involved Zayn, though she knew better. Apparently, Louis had tried to grab her bum in the hallway between change of class, and Zayn had punched him right in the balls. She slapped him, too, hissed something about keeping his hands to himself if he didn't want to lose them.

Had it not been Louis, the incident would have gone unnoticed and Liam probably wouldn't even know about it. But his friends were there, and their girlfriends (Liam's friends) were there too, and the news spread like wildfire.

Louis shouldn't have touched Zayn. He shouldn't have even fucking looked at Zayn. Liam, who had, up to now, wanted nothing more than to let him take her anyway he wanted, just wanted to strangle him and punch his teeth down his throat. During her heat, that kind of aggression would have been okay, but not now. And not over Zayn. That only made her angrier.

Louis could touch Zayn. That was the problem. No one would have done anything because he was a boy and she was a girl, even if they were both alphas. But if Liam did that, it would have been so much worse. The fact that she even wanted to touch Zayn confused her, made her fists ball as she stared at her walking down the hallway.

"The new girl is bat shit crazy," Jade tutted, shaking her head.

"Tommo's probably never gonna have kids," Maggie hummed, forlorn.

"The fuck is this bitch's problem?" Perrie hissed, glaring.

Zayn was wearing a dark blue jumper and black, hip hugging jeans, bum swaying behind her as she walked in front of Liam. Liam was staring at her, but her friends were hissing and whispering, saying the most awful things. All Liam wanted was to wrap herself around Zayn, bury her face in her neck and scent her right and proper. Fuck.

"Can you guys just leave her alone? Lou was being a creep," Liam protests, tone weak. Not because she didn't want to defend Zayn, but because she realized, as she watched Zayn twist the combo for her locker open, that she was well and proper fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi babies! tell me what you think, please? find me on tumblr! // magicalgyal @ tumblr


	2. girl, i'm tryna kick it with ya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam cried in the loo, tears pooling as her fingers worked furiously, clasping a hand over her mouth as she slid down the wall a little, thighs shaking as slick oozed out in gentle streams. She was crying because that shouldn't have turned her on as much as it did, seeing Zayn's fist crash against Nick's pale cheek shouldn't have had slick pooling in her little panties. // title credit to beyonce - 7/11 (that is literally girl!ziam's anthem okay thank u)
> 
> warnings for very brief sexual harassment and potential slut shaming close to the end of the chapter. it's not very much, but in case those things could be triggering, there it is.

Liam held her breath all week. _Something_ was going to happen. Somebody was going to retaliate, because it was _Louis_ and she knew that Louis wouldn't just take that sitting down. She was struck with a sort of fearful fancy she couldn't quite grasp when she met Zayn's eyes in the hallway, like she was naked and exposed despite the clothes she wore and the fact that they were in a busy, crowded space. Liam wished she could understand Zayn, but Zayn, as she was quickly coming to learn, was a free agent, an independent entity that did everything alone and probably liked it that way, too.

Liam wanted nothing more than to just figure out what the hell her damage was, and why she was so reserved and didn't want to have anything to do with anyone. Or maybe, just everyone but Liam. It was almost like she was ignoring her on purpose while at the same time focusing on her and her alone, which was weird and, if she tried explaining it to Jade or Niall, probably made her sound weird as shit. It was just - she just wanted Zayn's attention, and she didn't know why. Zayn was an alpha, sure, and dressed like she was going to kill anyone who so much as glanced in her direction (which, Liam had to admit, was kind of endearing in a way she couldn't quite understand) but she was a girl. And Liam wasn't _gay_ , for fuck's sake.

Right? Well. Okay. Maybe she kind of liked how Zayn's shirts hugged her and how her pants usually looked painted on, but that didn't mean that she liked girls. She was just appreciating the fact that Zayn dressed really nicely.

(Except, not really. Liam had never met anyone who could pull off wearing close to nothing but still being covered up all at the same time and it was infuriating. She barely, if ever, wore things that covered her belly button, which had a little charm looped through it, a different one every day. Not that Liam, like, noticed, or thought they were cute as hell, or secretly wanted one, or something. Her skirts never went anywhere past her thighs, but she always covered herself with a pair of funky looking tights and boots and Liam usually couldn't breathe if she didn't wear pants. And then there'd be a flannel, somewhere, tied around her waist or buttoned around her neck or something and it was oddly attractive for how ugly the outfit probably would have looked on someone else. But it wasn't someone else.

It was Zayn. That was the problem.)

She had one class with Zayn on Wednesdays and Fridays - a free block at that. Free blocks, until they were in the sixth form, which they weren't, were meant to be spent on campus doing something productive. The students had the option to study in the library, exercise in the gym or do some sort of art project in the media arts wing. The latter had been Liam's choice. She liked art, and didn't need to exercise too much or study, so there she went. She wasn't very good at art, but the art teacher never said anything about it. As long as the students kept it down, Mr. Thomas was pretty nice and didn't bother much, a quiet beta who would rather working on his paintings instead of teaching. Not that Liam minded.

Zayn never showed up for free period, though. Liam didn't know where she was, or what she was doing, or with who, much to her secret jealousy, and she wished she did. A whole week went by like that. On the way home, though, Liam could spot, if she squinted hard enough, Zayn brooding near the campus gates, smoking a cigarette and scowling at nothing. They were so opposite, so distinct - how could Liam want her? Zayn, of all people? She didn't, okay? She didn't like girls and she didn't want them and she certainly did not want Zayn, and she was just concerned about her well being in a completely friendly and non sexual way.

On Friday, Zayn didn't walk Liam home, but she did walk behind her, smoking three cigarettes one right after the other. Liam wanted to turn around, tell her to fuck off and to stop following her, but they lived next door to one another, so she'd feel kind of silly doing so. She felt Zayn's eyes on her legs as she walked up her porch steps, feeling faint and dizzy and sticky, again. Liam felt like she was still staring at her even though she was in her room, bundled in her sheets because she couldn't bare any of this.

"I think you should invite Zayn over," Grace suggested later that evening over dinner. Her father smiled, chewing on his kale leaves thoughtfully. One good thing about Grace living with them was that her dad didn't have much of an excuse to eat junk all the time. His heart was giving him a little bit of trouble, so Grace always tried to keep that in mind when she made dinner. Even if she made something fattening and simply to die for, her dad would get something similar, but much more healthy and not so damaging.

Liam choked violently on her lasagna, coughing loudly as she leaned forward. She spit into a napkin, sinking into her chair as she avoided both their concerned looks.

"Sorry, I just, uh," Liam stammered, sipping some water. "Zayn's, um. She seems like she's making a lot of friends at school and stuff so I don't know if she'll really have time to hang out." Liam shrugged, pushing her food around her plate until they just dropped the subject. If she were left alone in a room with Zayn, that couldn't possibly end well.

♥♥♥

And yet, _nothing happened_. Louis didn't shy away from Zayn. He didn't have anything bad to say about her, surprisingly enough. If anything, they kind of became friends. Well, not friends, but they didn't want to kill one another, which was, Liam supposed, a start. Louis was really cheeky, was the thing, and Zayn was very calmly stoic. She didn't react to anything, was the thing. Louis would touch her and she'd simply stare at his hand until he moved it. She wasn't even jealous, except she was, but it wouldn't work out anyway because they were both alphas and really, really headstrong, and Louis didn't like girls who were challenging. He didn't like challenges, period, which made Liam wonder if that's why he didn't like her. Was she difficult? Frigid?

The question bothered her for days.

When Liam saw Zayn sitting with Mr. Thomas at a canvas near the window, she felt like she was being eviscerated, which was only made worse by the capital decision she'd made to try the school's mystery meat. (The worst idea. A horrible idea. Wow. Why didn't she just pack her own lunch like everyone else?) She didn't know why, was the thing. Aside from her lunch and all, she didn't have much of a reason to be so upset and feel so startled.

Just because Zayn usually didn't bother to show up to free block didn't mean that Liam could expect her to not ever show up because that would just be unreasonable, really. And foolhardy. But was she foolish? She must have been, because she was standing there and staring at the back of Zayn's head like she'd grown three of them. Her long hair hung in a loose, sloppy ponytail, contrasting with the white smock which had probably seen better days. She was talking to Mr. Thomas animatedly about something artsy, and the only reason Zayn knew that was because Mr. Thomas only got excited about art and about his students who liked art. Not a lot of people like art, apparently, so.

Zayn had no right to make Liam feel like her heart was hammering hard in her chest, like she was going to be violently sick. Liam wanted to sit alone, where she couldn't see Zayn, maybe at the front of the room, but then Mr. Thomas asked her to sit with Zayn, and Liam, being Liam, couldn't say no. She was screwed. What the hell was she supposed to say? No? She forced herself to walk, fingers digging into the straps of her bag. She just had to relax and pretend Zayn wasn't there. Which was... well. Ignoring Zayn was about as easy as ignoring a bright pink elephant in a room.

Liam sat down next to Zayn. She hadn't spoken to Zayn at all since Zayn watched her almost a week ago. The incident with Louis was all people could talk about. Not that Louis was going to go to the principal, or Zayn, but the student body still couldn't believe that the new girl had hit Louis. If Liam was a queen, Louis was a king and he really did run the school. Zayn was toppling him off his throne, and Liam didn't know how she felt about that. Maybe not toppling, but she was definitely making him scoot the fuck over, which, well. It was kind of a nice change, sort of.

Liam stared at her brushes and the small jars of paint sitting in the easel, grabbing her brush. She pulled on a smock, trying not to get any paint on her soft red dress. It had polka dots, was cotton and cute, and made her feel pretty. Some of the older alphas whistled at her in the hallway, which made Niall frown, but made her happy. Not like she wanted a particular alpha to pay attention to her but... well. She took a deep breath, dipping her brush in a mason jar of water before running it over the page. She was going to do watercolors today, and ignore that Zayn was sitting right next to her. Less than a foot away. Liam could do it.

She had _willpower_. If she could resist Grace's triple fudge chocolate cake during training season, then she could resist Zayn and whatever weird (completely and totally imaginary) attraction she held toward her.

Zayn smelled so good up close, was the thing. Made Liam's head spin, made her feel like she could slip right off her chair.

"I don't bite," Zayn said simply, moving her brush over her canvas. Liam flinched, looking over at her. Zayn was smiling gently, laughing a little as she dipped her brush in a water jar before dipping it in a new color. "Calm down."

"'M-m calm," Liam stammered, cheeks flushed as she dipped her brush in some blue paint, stroking the page slowly. "Never been calmer."

"Right." They sat in silence for a moment as the rest of the class filed in. The teacher took roll. Liam kept painting with the same brush and same paint in the same spot, staring at Zayn like an idiot.

"Nice looking line you've got there," she snorted. Liam gulped, feeling her hands grow clammy. "Spectacular form. 10 out of 10. Amazing."

"What?"

"You've been painting over the same line for ten minutes now, Liam." When Liam realized that instead of painting the sea, like she wanted to, she had a big blob of blue on her page, she got up to grab some more colors. And to also pretend like she'd totally meant to do that and just needed more paint because there was no way that she'd ever admit to Zayn that the only reason she'd kept painting was to keep her hands busy. Liam shrugged, flippant, even though she felt like she was red and sweaty because Zayn was just _smirking_. Not in a really cocky way, or in a mean way, but in the kind of way that a parent would look at a silly child, or a soulmate would look at their other half. Which was kinda stupid because they weren't mated, they haven't even kissed and it wasn't like Liam wanted Zayn to kiss her and - fuck. _Okay. Get it together, Liam._

She unbuttoned her smock and folded it neatly on the stool, willing her hands to stop trembling and betraying how unstable she felt. She was trying not to seem so affected, but she couldn't help it. Zayn kind of just burrowed underneath Liam's skin, making herself a home somewhere inside her chest, pressing against the viscera and squeezing and making it so Liam could barely breathe.

The skirt of her dress stuck to her bum and thighs, and Liam picked it away discreetly, walking to the shelf. Admittedly, okay, wearing short dresses with a body like Liam's around alpha's whose ruts were due in about three days because they were mostly synced up because of all the time they spent together was probably not Liam's best idea.

(Liam was cutely hopeful in that she assumed that most alphas were friends - most because Zayn didn't like people in general - and hung out and did alpha kind of things together, mostly because she and her omega friends liked to spend quality time bonding too.)

But Liam got really warm during the school day, damn it, and she wasn't going to suffocate because some guys couldn't control themselves. It wasn't fair to her, and also, she looked nice, and she liked looking nice.

Liam pushed some of her hair behind her ear, smoothing down the folds of her dress as she walked to the supply closet. On top of the closet, for whatever reason, were the jars of paint she wanted, a soft yellow and a vibrant green. Perfect. Leaning against the closet was one of Louis' friends, Nick, watching his friend work on a sunset.

"Like that dress," Nick commented, which made her cheeks flush as she reached up on her tip toes. "Pink's a good color for you." Liam thanked him quietly, but mostly ignored him because he was creepy as shit and she didn't really like or talk to him all that much. She could hear someone snickering, which made her cheeks flush even deeper. She just couldn't reach. Fuck. She jumped, trying to reach the yellow and green jars of paint.

It all happened so quickly. One minute Liam was trying to grab the mason jar, and the next a hand was on her bum, squeezing the flesh harshly. She cried out, startled, and then someone was hissing and growling and she was so confused. The hand disappeared quickly, replaced by a loud snap. Liam was pushed out of the way, and all she saw was Zayn and Nick fighting, _hissing_ and _growling_ at one another angrily.

" _Enough_! Payne, Grimshaw, Malik, office! _Now_ ," he huffed, slamming his brush down.

♥♥♥

Apparently, Zayn slammed Nick into the wall because he was touching Liam. That was it. That's all she said when the principal asked her if she had anything to say for herself.

"I didn't like how he was touching her." Zayn said it as though it was obvious, and like she didn't understand why everyone was getting so upset that she'd hit Nick for being such a creep.

"If she didn't dress like such a little - "

"Say it," Zayn hissed, scowling at him. "I wish you would."

"That's enough, both of you," Mr. Coole sighed, shaking his head.

The principal looked at them with a heavy, simple frown on his face, scowling at Zayn more than Nick. Even though Zayn didn't do anything but try to protect Liam. Because that's what it was, wasn't it? In her haste, she'd almost broken Nick's wrist, punched him right in the nose, his now very red, crooked nose. When asked if she was sorry, Zayn was stonily silent, staring at Mr. Coole. Liam wasn't in trouble, and they told her she could go after she gave them her side of the story, but she stayed, mostly because she didn't want Zayn to do anything stupid, again.

"Detention for you both," Mr. Coole decided, humming quietly. Zayn took her punishment silently, taking the paper from Mr. Coole with little more than a grunt. She eyed it before folding it and stuffing into the pocket of her flannel, unimpressed. Nothing would get a reaction out of Zayn unless it involved Liam, or so it seemed, which was both flattering and kind of startling. Nick protested, which only made Mr. Coole tack on an extra week. Zayn only had to stay after school one afternoon, and took it silently. Unlike Nick. The more Nick protested and shoved, the more weeks Mr. Coole added. Nick ended up with six weeks worth of detention after school, and a paper on the sexual harassment of omegas in high schools.

"'S not my fault! Little bitch was gaggin' for it, weren't ya?" he cooed, blowing Liam a kiss. Zayn raised her hand as if to hit him, but then fixed her hair. Nick flinched away. Zayn smiled quietly to herself, seeming more than pleased as her red lips twitched slightly.

"That's seven weeks. Would you like to add another one, Mr. Grimshaw?" Nick was silent, gritting out a no. "Good. Apologize to Miss Payne and Miss Malik, please. We don't tolerate this kind of behavior."

"Sorry." He tacked on another insult, under his breath, which left him with eight weeks.

"Why did you do that?" Liam asked once they walked out of the office, pulling the hem of her dress down. Zayn was silent, walking away from Liam. Liam, being her nosy, persistent self, followed her, needed answers, needed to know why Zayn was risking a suspension for a girl she didn't even speak to. She kept asking. Zayn spun around, hair spinning in a silk curtain, her scent heavy in the air. Liam whimpered, suddenly frightened as Zayn backed her into a wall, hands pressed against the wall behind her.

"Don't ask questions you know the answers to. You're smarter than that, Liam." And with that, she was gone, heading to the library to serve her detention, hips swaying as she walked through the halls, people almost parting in her midst.

(Liam cried in the loo, tears pooling as her fingers worked furiously, clasping a hand over her mouth as she slid down the wall a little, thighs shaking as slick oozed out in gentle streams. She was crying because that shouldn't have turned her on as much as it did, seeing Zayn's fist crash against Nick's pale cheek shouldn't have had slick pooling in her little panties. Fuck.)

♥♥♥

Grace kept asking if Liam was okay. The school called and made it seem like Liam had almost been raped. It was just a squeeze. (Not to Zayn, who was acting like... like they were mated, which they weren't, because Zayn was a fucking babe and Liam was Liam and she was straight, fucking hell.) Grace made her some comfort food, macaroni and cheese with fresh bread. They curled up on the couch to watch a film with her dad, who was a little more than peeved at the news that Liam had gotten "accosted" at school.

She saw Zayn when she went to grab a blanket from the guest room, sitting at her desk and working on homework, or something. Their eyes met for a minute. Zayn smiled, pearly white teeth encased by pink lips. She waved, slightly, fingers waving. Liam almost died, coughing on nothing but air.

The next day at school, her friends asked what it was like to be touched by Nick, didn't realize that she didn't want to be touched and that the only person she wanted to touch her punched Nick in the nose. Hard, apparently. Nick had his nose wrapped, a black eye, and scratches on his neck. Jesus. He didn't even look at Liam, and it was weird. Like Liam would do something to him, little thing that she was. Still, it did make her feel kind of powerful, which was a nice change.

She had practice after school for the pep rally on Friday, and felt much better about everything. Zayn was just being weird and brooding. She was hanging out with Harry, an omega with big eyes who had a bum to kill and was nice and tall. She was part of the drama club, and was probably just using her theatrics to con Zayn into liking her, or something. It was fucking stupid, and it was even more stupid that it made her so mad. Liam wanted to kill her. Why was she hanging around Zayn? Her Zayn. Not that Zayn was hers, but she belonged more to Liam than that fucking cunt, Harry. With her boobs and legs and fucking giggle, and pretty brown curls that probably never tangled, posh fucking accent and delicate hands. She was so _eager to please_ , classic omega with doe eyes and soft voice and pout.

Liam couldn't even hate her. That was the fucking problem. Harry Styles was the sweetest girl. She made treats for her classes all the time, was always the girl who showed the new omegas around the school, was on the student council and loved by everyone. When she had her heats, alphas were lining up to walk her around, help her out, leaving gifts at her locker and on her desk and even on her fucking car. Harry was every alpha's dream, and said dream apparently included Zayn too. Liam wanted to gag and cry all at the same time.

She didn't want to think about Zayn and Harry. Not until she saw Harry climbing into Zayn's window one night, and heard her moaning and whining for more, please. Liam threw up, cried herself to sleep over a girl who wouldn't touch her that way. Harry had the smuggest smile on her face the next day, but Zayn was decidedly very detached and aloof. Didn't pay her any mind when Harry hovered and hung on her, didn't bother to even walk Harry to class or even speak to her.

By Friday, Harry had taken to following Zayn everywhere. Liam saw the blow out and couldn't have been happier.

" _Stop_ fucking _following_ me," Zayn hissed, sighing as she stuffed her books into her bag. Their free period was going to be cut short because of the pep rally, which Liam was excited about. Zayn would see how flexible she was and throw Harry away, but that wasn't necessary, clearly. Her inner omega was preening, rolling around and giggling.

"Don't be like that, baby - "

"I'm not your fucking baby." Harry's lower lip jutted out as Zayn slammed her locker door shut. "Listen to me very carefully, Harry. I don't know what the hell you think happened. We're not mates. We're not bonded. I didn't fucking bite you, and you were a really lousy lay. You woke up my little sister, just so you know. _Fuck off_."

Harry ran down the hallway, crying as she burst into the washrooms. Zayn looked at Liam and said nothing, walking to class.

Liam could have died happy.

♥♥♥

The pep rally went well, most of the school went. Liam didn't see Zayn until she was half way through a flip, caught a shock of black hair and could smell her so clearly, like they were the only people there even though they were in a field with the rest of the student body. The soccer game was against a rival school, so a lot of students stayed to support the team.

They won the game, 3-2, when Louis kicked a winning goal past the goalie, who had been distracted by some of the cheerleaders bouncing around. To celebrate, there would be a party, of course. The students swarmed the field in their joy, everyone running around and laughing and yelling and congratulating the team. Liam was grabbing her kit to go to the locker room to shower and call Grace, to make sure she was in the parking lot.

Zayn was standing in front of the girls' locker room, shirt hugging her body and pants leaving very little to the imagination. Fuck. Liam squeezed, hoping she had enough time for a quick rub before the girls came back.

"You did well," Zayn said, ignoring the fact that the game wasn't about Liam at all, and more about the team.

"Thank you," Liam murmured, cheeks flushing as she fixed the bow holding her hair back.

"I - " Someone cleared her throat. She turned, only to see that it was Jade. She was a nice omega, dyed her hair all sorts of colors, and was bonded to Niall. She didn't know why her cheeks flushed further, or why she felt like she was caught doing something she should have been.

"Sorry," she said, sheepishly shrugging. "Hey, Zayn." Zayn smiled tightly, almost forced. "Liam, did Perrie tell you about the party later? It's gonna be at her parent's lake house." She glanced at Zayn. "You're more than welcome to come too, of course."

"I'll think about it," Zayn said simply, smiling a little at Jade, whose cheeks flushed. Fucking hell. Not Jade too. And Jade had a mate, for fuck's sake. Liam's best friend, Niall. "Thanks." Jade slipped into the room, and Liam looked at Zayn, cheeks pink, like always.

"Are you really going to go?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Do you think I do?"

"Liam, you know what I've told you about questions," Zayn said softly, brushing some of Liam's hair behind her ear. Liam felt like she was being shocked, electrocuted at Zayn's gentle touch. Zayn's lips spread in a small smile, plum lipstick contrasting nicely with her skin. Liam wanted to kiss her, and hated how much she wanted it. Liam didn't relax until Zayn was swaying down the hall, footsteps echoing.

She walked into the locker room, undressing and hating the way her thighs stuck together with slick. Ew. Her heat wasn't due for another two weeks, just about. Damn it. Zayn was throwing her all out of sync. She wiped herself down with some unscented wipes, sighing because she was just sweaty now, not sweaty and sticky. She walked into the shower room, shaking out her hair. Jade was in one stall already, singing loudly as she washed herself.

"Liam?"

"Yeah," she answered, turning on the shower. Jade waved, and Liam touched her hand, laughing quietly. She squeezed some soap onto her body brush, squirming. She could still feel Zayn's touch, lingering on her cheek and ear. Fucking hell, she sighed. After a beat, Jade asked a question that had Liam's legs wobbly, leaning against the cool, foggy glass of her shower.

"How long have you been seeing Zayn then, Liam?" Liam stopped short, almost dropping her brush.

"We - I'm - I mean - we... I'm not seeing Zayn," she stammered, scrubbing at her smooth legs.

"Oh. Sorry. You guys just looked like - I dunno. Like a couple. It's okay that I invited her right?"

"Yeah," Liam said weakly. _Like a couple._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the kudos and positive feedback! keep it coming! this story is also being posted on my writing blog c: // find me on tumblr! magicalgyal @ tumblr (also this chapter is the kind of thing that happens when I listen to beyonce on a loop)


	3. never drop that alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn was sitting on her desk chair, did everything except straight up start ignoring Liam. How could she ignore Liam, who was pretty and drunk and leaking slick all over her damn house? Liam sat up when Zayn turned around, focusing on something at her desk. Liam unzipped her dress, thankful for the side zipper as she let it fall loose from her body. She stood in Zayn's room in her bra and panties, kicking the dress away. She sat there, laid down, sighed and writhed on Zayn's sheets, making soft noises. Her bed was so comfortable, and her sheets were soft and smooth and wow, they smelled like Zayn, a lot.  
> // pls thank beyonce for the title (711, again)  
> warning: underage drinking, language, and sexual content at the end that may be deemed non-con because one of the participants had been drinking

"Do you like Zayn?"

The question was innocent enough, Liam supposed, and it not been Grace, of all curiously innocent people, Liam probably wouldn't have felt so on the spot. She could have lied, was the thing. Could have lied so easily and rattled off something about how Louis was still the only alpha she'd ever really want, even though they had only had, maybe, five or six conversations. Trivial ones at that.

Liam glanced at Grace, nails digging into the bare space between the hem of her skirt on her thighs and knee to keep herself from making any noises. Grace was driving, focused on the road home. Her sunglasses were pushed into her hair, black curls loose and free. Like usual, because Grace hardly wore her hair up, which her father had more than once admitted that he was rather fond of. She chewed on a piece of gum, had offered a piece to Liam which was now being chewed nervously, teeth chomping as she struggled to think of what to say.

"Liam? Baby?" Grace's car came to a stop at a traffic light, and Liam felt faint. "Earth to Liam? Hello?"

"I, uh - Zayn's got a girlfriend named Harry," Liam mumbled, eyes closed. "Real nice omega. Cute."

"The one with the curly hair?"

"Mmhm," Liam hummed tightly, nails pressing into her thigh tightly. "Yep, that's the one." Grace didn't need to know the truth, and on top of that, Liam was kind of confused about what the truth was regarding her weird dynamic with Zayn anyway.

"Oh. I was only asking because, well, you know," Grace replied. The car started to move again, and Liam had to open her window, needing some fresh air, to focus on something other than the mental image of Harry and Zayn holding hands. Harry could get away with that because she was beautiful and slender and every alpha's wet dream, but Liam couldn't, because she was Liam, and things just didn't work that way, as much as she kind of wanted them to.

"Know what?"

"Oh, Liam," she laughed. Liam opened her eyes in time to see Grace rooting around her purse for a spare piece of paper, spitting the gum into it before balling it up. "You know. She just gives you that look all the time, like... I don't know. I thought something was going on."

"Nope, nothing," Liam said tightly, to which Grace just shrugged. She started to talk about her job - she was a gallery hostess, or something, showed paintings to rich people all day and made a pretty penny doing so - and Liam had never been so grateful for a change of subject before in her entire life.

♥♥♥

Liam paced, wearing an invisible hole in her hardwood floor.

She felt like a caged animal. That party would have been her perfect opportunity to go out and find her man. Her alpha, strong and proud, all hard lines and muscle and sinew that would take care of her. Except, she mused as she stood in front of her closet, did she want a man? Or did she want Zayn? Despite all the alphas she knew, not one of them had ever tried to defend her or protect her modesty the way Zayn would.

(Zayn would sometimes walk behind Liam for no real reason. She would just pop up randomly in the middle of the day, and follow Liam to class. Liam could smell her, smell her warmth and presence. It was weird as shit. Zayn would walk behind her and just glare at people who stood in Liam's way, shove alphas who even tried to touch her with her shoulder. Sometimes, when there were a lot of people, Liam could almost feel Zayn pressed up against her body, moving her along.)

And no one had _hit_ someone over her. Nick still couldn't look Liam in the eye, acted like that simple act would summon Zayn from wherever she was at the time and that she'd break his nose, again.

And Zayn was the only alpha Grace had ever brought up in conversation around Liam, and in that way too. Liam dating anyone was a subject they never really broached in her home, mostly because her dad didn't want to think about his daughter being mated with some teenage dirt bag, and Grace wasn't sure how to approach the subject because she had no children, and Ruth had just moved out when their father met Grace, so she was too old for that conversation anyway.

Deciding what she wanted shouldn't have been so difficult. Liam made a frustrated noise, stomping her foot a little as she frowned. That was it. She was going to find someone and that was going to be it. End of discussion, no more glances, no more questions about the nature of her non-existent relationship with Zayn. He was going to be tall, and on the rugby team and handsome and maybe no Louis Tomlinson, but damn it he would be close enough to get the job done, and maybe Liam could close her eyes and pretend it was Za - _Louis_. Pretend it was _Louis_ instead.

Liam pulled down a dress, smiling a little to herself. It was white, cottony and soft. It smelled the most like Liam, which was why she was wearing it. Was it probably a little unfair? Maybe. Would she probably accidentally start a few ruts? Could be. If Zayn did go, maybe something would happen between them. She wasn't sure what this something was, but she just felt like it would happen, like it was bubbling at the surface, ready to burst. Her hands adjusted her breasts within the confines, pushing them up a little. She wore a push up bra underneath, lacy and pink and white, with a matching pair of underwear too.

God, she looked good. Those boys would have to be blind if they didn't pay her any attention, and Zayn too. _Zayn, Zayn, Zayn._ Her name played on Liam's mind on a perpetual loop, and all Liam wanted was for things to go the fuck back to normal, to the world where she wanted to be _Liam Tomlinson_ , not to the world where she wondered what it'd be like to kiss Zayn and push her up against a wall.

What if Zayn didn't go? What if? Well... maybe Liam still had her two point alpha capture strategy. It wasn't even much of a strategy - divide and conquer (make him stray from his friends and any other omegas, and conquer him with her body and hopefully intellect). Harry and Zayn could be happy, and so could Liam and her mystery alpha. The thought of Harry anywhere near Zayn made Liam's blood boil, hands gripping the counter in anger towards herself and Harry. Harry, who got everything she wanted with the bat of her long eyelashes and bit of cleavage and - Liam made another frustrated noise, seething quietly. Zayn didn't belong to anyone, was the thing. And Liam wanted desperately, wanted something she didn't quite understand, but attributed it to the fact that her heat was all out of sync and making her act crazy.

(Why else would she get jealous of an omega hanging around an alpha? She didn't get jealous of any of the girls Louis walked around with, ever, and he walked with half their form sometimes, all these girls trailing after him and hanging on every damn word he said. Liam never really got too bothered, because he was Louis, and that's just kind of what Louis did. Had a lot of pretty omegas around, partied a lot, won footie and rugby games all the time.)

That's all it was.

Liam felt so nervous. She didn't get why, or why she felt like she was bursting at the seams, but she was. She peeked into Zayn's room before she left, careful to not disturb the curtains too much. Zayn was in a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt, simple and still enough to have Liam gulping thickly, reading a book and smoking another cigarette, glasses perched low on her nose. Liam's shoulders fell as she heard Niall's car outside, honking noisily.

So much for that.

♥♥♥

"Jade." Niall glanced at her, making a face. She was tugging at her jumper, making a face. He hugged her close, pressing a kiss to her neck and squeezing her waist. She jumped and giggled, leaning into his touch. "Stop. You look fine."

Liam watched them from outside the car, deciding to let them have their moment. Niall started to kiss the shy omega, cupping her cheeks, and Liam, who was not in the mood to see any snogging unless it included her, opened the back door, hopping in and shutting it. Jade pushed Niall away gently, wiping her mouth a little. Niall glanced at Liam in the rearview, and Liam just blew kisses at him, wriggling her eyebrows at him cutely.

Jade glanced at Liam, smiling as she waved politely. She just knew Jade from cheer, since they didn't have any classes together, but she did know that she made Niall a lot happier than Liam, in all her years of knowing the beta, had ever seen him. And she was more Perrie's friend, anyway, and it wasn't like Liam was super close to Perrie either. The air in the car smelled a little off, but Liam hadn't been in Niall's car in ages, mostly out of respect to Jade. (Because what omega wanted to smell another omega in her boyfriend/mate's car?)

"I like that dress," Jade complimented, pushing her hair behind her ear. "Isn't that a pretty dress, Niall?" Niall grumbled something, nodding and Jade looked at him with a small smile, hand on his knee.

"I bought it at Topshop," Liam mumbled, trying not to gag. They were just really cute, that was all. Niall held doors open for Jade, and carried her books everywhere, and probably would have cut her meat up for her too if she ate meat. He'd given up meat too, but still went out to Nandos with Liam every once in a while. (Don't tell Jade, she'll have my head right off.)

"How's Zayn?" Niall asked, and something kind of just snapped inside Liam, grating at her. How the hell was Liam supposed to know?

"Yeah, where is she? I thought she was coming to the party tonight," Jade added, glancing at Liam curiously.

"I don't know," Liam said flippantly, shrugging as she looked out the window. "She's not my girlfriend. I'm not her nanny. I don't keep track of what she does." Niall shot her a look as Jade sunk into her seat and turned around, making Liam feel really bad. "'M sorry, didn't mean to - I didn't mean to snap." Jade nodded, glancing back at her again. "I think she's got something with Harry. I don't know." And to be honest, Liam didn't know. What if that was just a row they were having? What if Harry was sneaking into Zayn's room right then and there? What if?

"Oh." Jade nodded, holding Niall's hand when they got onto the highway. "Well, I mean - is there anyone el - I mean, anyone you like? Maybe they'll be at the party tonight."

Jade was going to say anyone else. Because everyone just assumed that Liam liked Zayn and she didn't, god damn it. She didn't like anyone, except for Louis and/or her Louis substitute.

"Lou," she mumbled, and Niall snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Here we go again," he began, tutting quietly.

"What's the matter with Louis, huh?" Jade asked, glancing at her mate with a small frown. Niall shrugged, keeping quiet about it. "I think you'd make a cute couple. Talk to him tonight, Liam. You never know what could happen."

♥♥♥

The party was _wild_.

The lake house sat right on a large lake in the country side, with a deck and all. The music was loud, there was plenty of liquor, and plenty of boys. Liam wanted to like at least _one_ , she did, but they weren't Zayn. But Zayn wasn't there, and Liam was, and she was lonely, and Zayn was probably just toying along, playing with Liam's feelings. Liam had one drink, just one, because she wanted to get comfortable and loosen up. But then she had two. And that turned into three, and three turned into four, with a shot too. She felt loose and limber, hazy and floaty with a smile on her face. The house was loud, dark, music pulsing. Whoever the DJ was, he or she was doing a pretty good job. Liam danced with Jade, lithe body writhing and comfy under the press of so many bodies.

She wished that Zayn was here, but she wasn't. Her loss, Liam thought, leaning back into an alpha with a soft sigh, holding her cup up in the air as they all moved to the beat of the song. She sniffed, curious, and - oh.

"Hello," Louis murmured. She could feel him smirking, was the thing, could feel him trying to map out her body with his. He wasn't blatant about it, but his intentions were clear. And Liam would have moved, maybe, would have told Louis to stop because she didn't want it, but hadn't she spent her whole afternoon planning ways to get his attention here? Wasn't this what she wanted?

He ground his hips into her bum, gripping her hips tightly, and she whined, lost. It didn't feel good, but she wanted it to, but it didn't. And it was supposed to, wasn't this? Wasn't this all supposed to be fun? It was a party and she'd been drinking, and she was supposed to have fun. She tried to pull away from Louis once she gathered her bearings, but it didn't quite work, body tensing because she was so uncomfortable and didn't quite feel safe. She wanted Zayn, but Zayn wasn't here.

She didn't know why she expected Zayn to come to the party, especially when Zayn was probably the least sociable girl Liam knew. A few songs later, she managed to sneak away from Louis, feeling dirty because she smelled like him, could still feel his crotch against her bum. And the weird thing was? As much as Liam wanted an alpha to touch her, something about the way that Louis touched her made her feel dirty and cheap and used, like she was a nameless face and not one of the only omegas who liked him when he was just a pimply third former who walked around with a football all the time. (He came back for fourth form looking like a teenage Adonis and most of the entire student body, alpha, beta, and omega alike, all suddenly wanted to be his friend, and all the attention really went to his head, clearly.)

Liam leaned against a rail outside, fresh air making her feel even hotter and like everything was just too much. She scrolled through her list of contacts, squinting at the one that simply read _ZM._ The night they first met, their mums asked them to trade phone numbers so at least Zayn had someone to call in the neighborhood in case of an emergency, and vice versa.

But why would Zayn call Liam, small thing that she was? What was she going to do? And why would Zayn ever get to trouble? And what kind of trouble would it be that she wouldn't be able to handle herself? And speaking of Zayn, Liam thought, calling her, she should be here. Having fun. Touching Liam. Dancing. Keeping her away from Louis.

"Liam?" Zayn asked, sounding half asleep. Liam's cheeks flushed as she wrapped an arm around the column with a s small smile, cheek pressed against the cool material. "Liam?"

"He-hey, Zayn," Liam slurred, feeling a stupid smile on her face. "Woo. Room's spinnin', wow. 'S warm out. Feels nice."

"Are you _drunk_?"

"N-No," she hiccupped, sniffling a little. "Why - how come yo-you're - you didn't come to the party," Liam explained, feeling like she was probably speaking much more slowly than she actually was. "Miss you. Come to the pa-part- I - come dance wit' me, Zayn? Hm?"

"Liam just stay put, okay? Can you tell me where the lake house is?"

"Are you comin' t- t' have fun?" Liam asked, perking up a little. An alpha grabbed her, pressing a kiss to her cheek and telling her to come back inside. "Oops! I go-gotta go, Dyl's gonna dance with me. Bye, Z-Zayn."

Liam didn't think much of her phone call. She didn't even think that Zayn was going to come, was the thing, letting herself be swayed and taken away back inside. The bodies all felt really good after she'd gotten some fresh air, and they weren't all glued to her like Louis was, and she wondered if she'd feel better naked, or at least without so many clothes on. She didn't get to test that theory out before it happened, before Zayn came. Liam wanted to go look for Niall and Jade, who she was sure were around somewhere, but she stopped short in her tracks, eying the door.

There in all her late-night, _get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way_ , I'll-cut-you-if-you-even-look-at-me glory, stood Zayn, hair bundled up on her head in a hat. She just looked at her, holding her phone tightly in her hands as she watched her argue with Perrie. Well, Perrie argued, and Zayn didn't pay much mind to her, rolling her eyes.

"Who the fuck invited you?" Perrie hissed.

"Move," Zayn sighed, ignoring her. Liam couldn't stop staring at her, eyes watery and hair limp and messy around her face. She adjusted the strap of her dress as Zayn marched towards her, shoving herself through the people in her way. She simply looked at Liam, then shrugged out of her black jacket, slipping it over Liam's shoulders. "I'm taking you home. You've had too much to drink." Liam hiccupped in response, resisting the urge to bury her face in the fabric. "Jesus, Liam," she sighed, brushing Liam's hair away. She preened, smiling drunkenly as Zayn helped her out of the crowded room. "You're blitzed."

"Mkay," Liam hummed, rubbing her cheek with the sleeve of the jacket. "'M glad you came to the party, Zayn."

"What the fuck? No," Perrie protested, trying to pull Liam away from Zayn. "Leave her alone, you - " Zayn shot her a look and she backed off, letting go of Liam. The force of it barreled her into Zayn's warm side, which Liam only cuddled up with, arms around her waist.

She needed the support, she told herself. Because she was so unsteady and all, and Zayn was so strong and felt nice, warm. If she was sober, she probably wouldn't even have taken her jacket, much less let herself be led out of the party. Zayn's car was black and sleek and smelled like cigarettes, but still had her flowery undertone underneath it all.

"I can't go home," Liam slurred, hiccupping again as Zayn turned on her car. "'M 'pposed to be at a sleepover." The radio played dully, everything was dull, so dull compared to Zayn. "'S'posed to be a good girl."

"We'll have a sleepover, then," Zayn murmured with a small laugh, driving to their neighborhood. The drive was filled mostly with Liam trying to take off her seatbelt and undress because she was too warm, and Zayn clicking the seatbelt back in and telling Liam to keep her clothes on. She all but carried Liam inside, arms wrapped around Liam's slender waist as she slumped against Zayn, giggly. Her house was warm, so warm, and all Liam wanted to do was be cool again.

She started tugging at her clothes, but Zayn patted her hands, squeezing them gently.

"You can't just _strip_ , Liam," she said softly in her ear. Liam shivered, dragging her feet up the last step. She shuffled down the hallway, collapsing in Zayn's bed when she finally managed to wrangle the door open. Her legs were spread, feet hanging off the edge of the bed. Zayn opened a window, shutting her door. Her sheets were soft, felt smooth underneath Liam's bare legs.

"'M hot," Liam whined, rolling onto her side to look at Zayn, who was, she was sure, probably salivating and chomping at the bit to touch her.

She wasn't.

Zayn was sitting on her desk chair, did everything except straight up start ignoring Liam. How could she ignore Liam, who was pretty and drunk and leaking slick all over her damn house? Liam sat up when Zayn turned around, focusing on something at her desk. Liam unzipped her dress, thankful for the side zipper as she let it fall loose from her body. She stood in Zayn's room in her bra and panties, kicking the dress away. She sat there, laid down, sighed and writhed on Zayn's sheets, making soft noises. Her bed was so comfortable, and her sheets were soft and smooth and wow, they smelled like Zayn, a lot.

Zayn didn't even flinch. Liam huffed, blowing her soft hair out of her face. She sat up again, but she was too dizzy, so she had to sit on the edge of the bed for a minute or two. Zayn was sitting at her desk, shirt only reaching the end of her ribs. Her flat tummy was exposed, back dimples on display. Liam walked wobbly towards Zayn, feeling her slick pooling and nipples standing at attention in the confines of her bra. Zayn smelled really good, and Liam was sure she'd smell even better if Liam sat on her lap, face in her neck.

Zayn sniffed the air discreetly, small frown on her face when she turned around. She looked at Liam, a surprised smile playing on her usually impassive face. Liam plopped down on her lap, sighing happily when Zayn's hands braced against her waist, squeezing her gently. Liam looked at Zayn, wrapping her arms around Zayn's neck. Her fingers played with her inky strands, soft purr leaving her lips because it was so much softer than Liam dreamed it'd be. Liam was about to kiss her, but Zayn stopped her, pulling away.

Her face was in Liam's neck before Liam knew what was happening, canting Liam's hips down slowly. She was scenting Liam, hissing quietly as she murmured something about her smelling like Louis. Which, okay. Liam didn't think that would even be such a big deal until Zayn brought it up, making her cheeks flush even further. Liam was on her back, giggling when Zayn pressed her into her sheets, her long hair tickling her.

"Why are you laughing? Hm?" Zayn asked softly, letting her body mold itself over Liam's, legs tangled with hers as she laced their hands together. "You're not _his_."

"I - I know," Liam stammered, voice breaking off in a light moan as Zayn grinded down against her body, hands wrapped around Liam's, fingers pinning her down. Not that Liam really minded. She licked at her neck, sucking blooming kisses into the skin, laving at her collarbone, over that small little gland that she knew would scar once she was bitten.

Zayn grasped her breasts, making Liam whine underneath her as she rutted against her in earnest. Zayn pressed a thigh against to Liam's core, kissing up to her neck as Liam whimpered, pressing herself into Zayn's hands.

"You're mine, Liam, all mine," she repeated against the shell of Liam's ear. She rocked her thigh against Liam, pinning Liam's hips down. "Do you understand, sweetheart? I don't share."

"Yours, yours," Liam sighed, slick soaking through her already flimsy panties. "Take - take them off, please," she begged, spreading her legs a litle more. Zayn's fingers grazed her burning skin, fingers wrapping around the hem of her panties and pulling down, down, down. "Wanna feel you."

"Did you wear these for me, baby?" Zayn asks quietly, sniffing them. She smiled, cheekily, stuffing them underneath the pillow under Liam's head. Liam would have blushed if she didn't feel so hot, turning her face into the pillow. "Good. Look at you, so pretty," she cooed, letting Liam rut in earnest. She reached down to touch herself, or wanted to, anyway, but Zayn pinned both her hands down with one hand, free hand gripping her hip and moving her against her body as she whispered something about being good.

"Zayn," Liam whined, feeling so close. "Oh, oh - oh my god, please, please, oh - yes, yes," she moaned, keening as she arched her back. She gushed, positively gushed everywhere, slick leaving her with a loud squish against Zayn's thigh. Liam shuddered against her sheets, chest heaving. She was still wearing her bra and felt restricted, naughty, even. Zayn's fingers ghosted the mess on Liam's soft thighs, making her legs twitch at the thought of that happening again. Her heart raced, beating loudly in her ears.

"You taste better than you smell," Zayn commented softly, smiling a little as Liam relaxed underneath her. She rubbed her nose against Liam's, ghosting down and settling in her neck again. Zayn's fingers traced Liam's slit and Liam's legs spread, even though she was still too sensitive and overstimulated. She whined when Zayn pressed a thumb against her clit, flinching. "Sorry, I'm sorry," she cooed softly, sucking a bite into the valley between Liam's breasts. She smiled, eyes fluttering shut. "Wanna taste?" Zayn asked. Liam looked down at her, watching her rest her cheek against the lacy material of her bra. Liam nodded, sated, opening her mouth for Zayn. She lapped at her fingers, tasting herself, which only made her slicker, wrapping a leg around Zayn's waist. "Good girl."

Liam reddened at the praise, moaning when Zayn licked at the uncovered portion of her breast, rubbing circles into her hips as she gave the other breast the same attention.

"Are you tired?" Liam nodded, yawning. Zayn pulled away, making Liam pout and whine as she undressed. She tossed a shirt to the end of her bed, then pulled off her own clothes. She was bare, everywhere, and Liam's body warmed at the thought of Zayn holding her face right there, making her taste and lick and suck. She's sighing into the bed, turning as Zayn climbed in.

Zayn wore a low cut shirt and loose yoga pants to bed, pulling the shirt with her. She unclasped Liam's bra, laughing when Liam covered herself childishly, shy and pink. Zayn kissed her shoulder, pulling the shirt over her head. After Liam had it on, she felt like she would never take it off. It was Zayn's painting shirt, smelled like weed and cigarettes and flowers.

Liam climbed on Zayn, taking a few deep breaths with her face on Zayn's chest, right over her heart.

"'M sorry about your sheets," Liam mumbled. And Zayn laughed, loud, like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard in her entire life.

♥♥♥

Saturday morning dawned with Zayn on top of Liam. Liam remembered the night before in fragmented bits and hazy pieces, cheeks blossoming pink when she thought about how she cried for Zayn's touch. Zayn's hand rested on her breast, fingers cupping the soft flesh over her shirt. Her legs were wrapped around Zayn's waist tightly, face in Zayn's neck. She decided she could spend her day like that, underneath Zayn's body. The house was still quiet, sun barely rising through Zayn's curtains.

Liam's lips pressed to Zayn's neck, eyes closed as she kissed her gently, still shy. She licked a stripe or two, smiling to herself because she finally understood Zayn's comment about tasting better than she smelled. Zayn tasted like... well, not like anything Liam had ever tasted before. Something sweet and tangy and delicious. She worked in earnest, lips sucking and teeth nipping lightly over her skin. Zayn groaned, holding on to Liam tightly. Liam kissed her jaw and cheek and ear, then pressed their lips together. Zayn smiled, hand abandoning her breast in favor of her cheek. Their lips moved together languidly, plush and wet and hot.

"Good morning, baby," Zayn murmured quietly, squeezing her bum. "What a wake up call."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi babies! thank you so much for the kudos and recs and comments! you guys are fantastic! c: please, please share your thoughts // find me on tumblr! magicalgyal @ tumblr


	4. tell me what you want me to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The words felt like they were dripping with acid and burning her as they left her mouth, hanging in the air in an ugly bubble that threatened to pop and melt her skin off. Zayn was quiet, picking at a stray thread on her pants. Liam, with the one furtive glance she cast in her direction, felt like she wanted to cry. She just felt ashamed of herself, like she'd done something wrong. // title credit - florence & the machine - no light, no light

Liam felt okay for maybe two minutes before all her drinks slammed into her hard, making her feel queasy and sick. She ended up prodding and poking at Zayn until she mumbled something about the loo being next to her room, scrambling towards the bathroom. Liam had the presence of mind to take off her shirt before going to throw up everything she'd eaten the night before. She just didn't want to get sick all over that nice shirt, since she wanted to keep it. Liam knelt and regretted everything she'd had to drink the night before, gagging in the toilet. Never again, she vowed.

Zayn walked in a little bit after, pants hung low on her hips. She set a glass down next to Liam, and sat on the lip of the tub. Her hands brushed Liam's hair back, rubbing her back in small, slow circles. Liam was whimpering and sighing because she felt so hung over, felt sick to her stomach. Once it was over, Liam felt Zayn moving her and tipping her mouth open, making her swallow some water and some medicine because Liam could barely even move, felt so weak.

"How about a shower? I'll help you freshen up, let you borrow some of my clothes?" Zayn suggested, moving Liam's hair out of her face as she tried to curl up with her. Liam nodded, eyes still closed as she gripped the material of Zayn's shirt. She realized, belatedly, that she was naked, but couldn't care very much when Zayn undressed too, then turned on the shower to something a little cooler than skin melting hot. She helped Liam inside, before stepping inside as well, shutting the curtain.

Under the soft lights of Zayn's bathroom, Liam realized that she'd done things to Zayn. Touched her and rutted against her and cried her name, licked her fingers and kissed her. She leant against the wall, feeling embarrassed. It was like she didn't want to, because she did, but she still felt kind of embarrassed that she'd acted so sloppily. Zayn helped Liam reach the places she couldn't, like her back and the soles of her feet, giggling quietly when she started to leak. Liam pressed her thighs together, biting her lip harshly.

"'S not funny," Liam protested, cheeks soft red. "I can't help it." She cleaned herself as best she could, squirming when Zayn started to pepper kisses to her cheeks and lips and nose. "You're a menace," she hummed, leaning her forehead against hers. Zayn wriggled her eyebrows, kissing her again. She reached up on her shelf for some shampoo, kissing her nose. "Dangerous, really."

"Want help washing your hair?" Liam nodded, turning around and bracing a hand against the steamy wall, closing her eyes and waiting. Zayn's fingers were oddly delicate and soft, rubbing soothing circles into Liam's hair, gently tugging out knots and making sure she was nice and clean. And it smelled really, really nice too, like... like a meadow or something equally as Zayn-esque. She leaned back against Zayn, head lolling against her shoulder when she started to finally rinse it all out. She repeated it again, leaving Liam a relaxed, loose mess of skin and bones.

"Wanna stay," Liam protested when Zayn tried to help her out of the shower. Zayn smiled, rubbing a hand over her tummy in a way that Liam was sure was only meant to comfort her, but would have made her knees buckle had she already not been leaning against Zayn.

"The water's cold," she explained, shutting it off. Liam grumbled until Zayn gave her a towel, wrapping herself in it and rubbing her eyes. She watched Liam fuss with her hair, giving Liam one of those fond, gentle looks that made her stop short, hand still stuck in her hair.

"Yeah?" Liam frowned a little, curious. She looked down, making sure that she wasn't leaking all over the floor or something equally as embarassing.

"You just - you should, um, I like your hair like that," Zayn explained, searching inside her medicine cabinet. She pulled out a double pack of toothbrushes, the one she was using obviously already in her hand. Liam raised an eyebrow, thanking Zayn and wetting it underneath the sink before squeezing some toothpaste onto it. Liam looked up at their expressions in the mirror. Zayn was making faces at herself, and Liam had white foam all around her mouth.

Amazing.

♥♥♥

Zayn's mum was at work, and her younger sisters were all too young to have somewhere to be so early in the day, so they were baby sitting. Not that Liam really minded. Zayn lent her a comfy pair of joggers and undies and a sweater, and she wore an outfit similar to the one she'd worn last night. Doniya looked at Liam from her comfortable spot on the window seat, then went back to reading her book. Wali hadn't woken up, and Safaa was dragging a blanket behind her sleepily, whining until Zayn picked her up. Liam sat and watched Zayn move around her kitchen fluidly, balancing the sleepy four year old on her hip.

"Do you want breakfast, Liam?" The prospect of food made her feel queasy again, but she was kind of hungry.

"Maybe some toast." Safaa squirmed out of Zayn's grasp, grinning up at Liam until Liam kind of got the clue and picked her up too. The small girl curled up on Liam's lap, laughing because Liam's wet curls were tickling her. Zayn kept giving her this look that she didn't really understand, glancing back at her every so often. She put a kettle on, getting a small smile from Liam.

She poured milk into three bowls and brought down the boxes of cereal, pouring different kinds into every bowl. Zayn walked out and grabbed her sisters, herding them into the kitchen to eat. After that, she set two slices of toast with butter with a cuppa in front of Liam, fixing the same plate for herself. Doniya didn't say much about Liam being there, but Waliyha kept clearing her throat and looking pointedly at Liam. Safaa kept asking her questions, squirming as she ate. She was just so cute, like a smaller version of Zayn. Liam fed her some toast, and when she looked at Zayn, Zayn was giving her the same look.

After breakfast, Zayn had the girls wash their dishes, but didn't let Liam do much of that either. She said that Liam was a guest, but Liam was used to doing the chores at her house. Grace did them too, but her dad didn't, and he was the closet to an alpha their home had, so. Zayn kissed her neck, pulling her flush against her body in the kitchen. Liam tried not to laugh, but couldn't help herself, curling into her touch.

"Stop," Liam laughed, leaning into her. Zayn kissed her, and Liam turned around, leaning up slightly on her toes to deepen it slightly. Zayn was a good kisser, was the thing. Too good, tasted like cream and sugar and everything sweet. "Your sisters are upstairs."

Zayn squeezed her bum and kissed her, again, making Liam giggle and moan into her mouth slightly.

It probably would have gotten a little more heated had a door not shut lightly upstairs, making Liam jump. Zayn settled her body against Liam's, brushing a thumb against her lips with that same, small smile.

She pulled away after a moment, touch lingering on Liam's hand.

The two oldest girls thudded back downstairs, leaving the youngest behind in the living room. Zayn went to say goodbye to them, staring at the van outside until it was down the street. They had a dance class every Saturday morning, and then their mum picked them up and ran a couple of errands before coming home, which left Liam and Zayn alone with Safaa. Safaa wanted to watch films and make a blanket fort, so Zayn and Liam built her one and climbed inside once Safaa deemed it appropriate, snickering to themselves.

They watched Mulan, Tangled, paused it so Zayn could give Safaa her lunch - mandarins and graham crackers and milk with half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Liam wasn't very hungry, filled with a stifling brand of cuteness she couldn't really control. Before they popped in the next film, Safaa decided she was very tired of the blanket fort, thank you, and wanted to just lay on her blanket in front of the telly. So they took it down and folded the blankets back up, keeping one for themselves.

Zayn made sure Safaa was comfy before popping in the next film, pulling Liam into her lap on the couch. They laid down like that, Zayn's arm around Liam's waist and Liam's face in Zayn's neck, again. Five minutes into the film, Safaa started to snore lightly. Zayn covered her with a blanket and took her upstairs to her room, and Liam followed, turning off the telly and wrapping the blanket around her shoulders.

"Have I told you how good you look in my clothes?" Zayn asked, pressing Liam against her door. Liam shook her head and Zayn grinned, cheeky, kissing her as she pressed the door open, shutting it softly behind them. Liam led Zayn to her bed, clambering on top of her to kiss her. She cupped her cheeks, giggling softly when Zayn flipped them over, her body looming over Liam's.

And okay. Was Zayn scary? Hell yes. She could be, if someone crossed her the wrong way, pretty terrifying. Not that Liam had been on the end of her irritated glare, or had felt the scathing heat from one of her tongue lashings, but she'd heard about them, so she knew that Zayn probably wasn't the best person to fool around with, especially not with her feelings, or around Liam herself - she'd seen how well that turned out. And still, she wasn't.

She was Zayn, all soft limbs and big eyes and soft eyelashes and when she they were like this, lying on her bed, she really wasn't that scary. How could she be, with the way she smiled at Zayn and held her like if she squeezed too hard she'd break? She was Zayn, she walked her to lunch and to class and was always just there, and had, almost overnight (or so it seemed) become part of Liam and that was the scary bit. Liam liked her. Liam liked how they fit together and how Zayn said her name with that simple and fond expression. Liam liked how Zayn touched her and how she took care of her and even her teasing for no real reason. Liam liked all of that and it was scary and weird and new and just too much.

"I can't - stop, Zayn," she protested, turning her face away when Zayn started kissing her neck and pushing the jumper up her hips. Zayn pulled her hands away and pulled away from Liam, backing off a little. She sat on her knees between Liam's legs, hands on her lap as she looked at Liam curiously. "I'm not - I don't - I don't like girls."

The words felt like they were dripping with acid and burning her as they left her mouth, hanging in the air in an ugly bubble that threatened to pop and melt her skin off. Zayn was quiet, picking at a stray thread on her pants. Liam, with the one furtive glance she cast in her direction, felt like she wanted to cry. She just felt ashamed of herself, like she'd done something wrong. Zayn hadn't forced her to do anything, and she didn't do anything she hadn't wanted to do, but -

"I was - I had too much to drink yesterday," Liam mumbled, pulling a pillow close and up into her chest. Rookie mistake. It was probably the pillow that Zayn slept on, because it smelled like her and Liam's slick and oh. There were the panties. She turned away from them, closing her eyes. "I'm not gay."

"No one said you were," Zayn finally managed to say, voice thick and slow, threads snapping on her joggers. "I'm sorry if I made things, like, weird, or made you feel uncomfortable or, like - I just kind of read everything wrong, sorry."

This was what Liam wanted, wasn't it? She wanted Zayn to stop, wanted to stop wanting her and she wasn't gay and she needed Zayn to understand that she wasn't... what? Interested? Clearly, that ship had sailed and was half way around the world by then, because she wouldn't have called Zayn, or let last night happen, if she wasn't the teensiest bit interested in being with Zayn? Or in Zayn in general?

"It's okay," Liam mumbled, except she felt like she should have apologized to Zayn. But for what? For telling the truth? For being honest? For telling her how she felt? Maybe a little bit. She didn't really understand her feelings about anything remotely related to Zayn, and all of it made her feel confused, and then angry on top of it all because she was so confused.

♥♥♥

Trisha ordered pizza for dinner and went straight upstairs for a shower, then a bath. Liam wasn't exactly sure what she did, but she knew that Trisha worked out of town and whatever she did, it was stressful, because she always heard Grace on the phone telling her she needed to relax and not let herself get so pent up about things. Zayn's younger sisters all corralled in front of the telly with their paper plates and glasses of juice, not soda (Zayn was big on not letting them have a lot of sugar, which was kind of good, Liam supposed), fighting about what to watch until they all decided on a Sponge Bob marathon.

Zayn was... different, not that Liam expected her not to be. She was giving Liam space. Not so much so that she made it obvious, but she did in subtle things. Her fingers didn't linger and her smiles were clipped, not fake and still not... genuine. Liam sat down with a slice, willing herself to at least eat because Zayn's mum went through the trouble, even if she'd kind of lost her appetite. In situations where Zayn had a choice, she would have usually sat next to Liam, not close enough to be on top of her, but close. It used to make her upset, before, because people would look at them and say things and she was totally encroaching on Liam's plan to find her alpha that year. But that evening, Zayn sat on the opposite end of the couch, pulling her legs up and underneath her slightly as she picked at her food.

She glanced at Liam every so often, but not as often as she did before hand. There was a shift, and while it wasn't a great shift, it was enough to make Liam feel like she'd done something she shouldn't have, or somehow ruined something. Except there wasn't anything to ruin. Just a lot of misplaced sexual tension, Liam reminded herself, chewing slowly on her pizza.

Bedtime for the girls came sometime after nine, even if it was the weekend. Liam was silently hoping they wouldn't leave, because that left her alone with Zayn. And she knew Zayn wouldn't hurt her, or say anything about everything because it just wasn't in her nature, but still. She felt like every hair on her body stood on end with anticipation for... what? At ten, Zayn decided she wanted to go upstairs and go to bed. She passed the remote to Liam with a watery smile, standing up and stretching her arms over her head. She shook her dark hair loose, sighing quietly.

"You can go upstairs whenever," she offered, then walked out, carrying their plates to the kitchen to wash them. Liam felt too lonely on the couch, scrambling once she heard Zayn's footsteps on the stairs.

She turned off the telly and lights, hoping she didn't trip or stub her toe on something in her haste, and thankfully, she didn't. Zayn's door was cracked open, letting a small stream of light seep into the otherwise dark hallway. Liam tipped the door open, as though she were frightened - of what? - poking her head in. Zayn was getting ready for bed, changing into another pair of pajamas. She looked like she was debating whether or not to wear pants, and Liam was going to tell her not to, but she slid them up her legs regardless, tying the white cords into a half hearted knot.

"I can hear you," Zayn murmured, not turning around as she walked to her window to shut it, drawing the blinds closed. Liam slipped into the room, embarrassed tint staining her soft cheeks. She scratched the back of her head, unsure of herself. The panties from last night were sitting neatly on top of another pair of sweats, folded and all. She stared at them, Zayn stepping around her to head into the bathroom. Liam heard the tap on, and heard Zayn going through her nightly routine, but she couldn't move. Zayn was giving them back? Why? Did she not want them?

And why would Liam even want Zayn to keep them? It was creepy as shit, along with a lot of other things Zayn did in relation to Liam. She would just randomly scent Liam, though she was a bit more obvious about it before their... conversation of sorts. When she did it at school she'd just lean over and sniff Liam, which wasn't weird for mated couples, but Zayn wasn't her mate, damn it. Sometimes Zayn would just be standing at Liam's locker for no real reason, walk her to class without saying much else but a simple greeting. Again, normal for mated couples, but not for people who just had a lot of either real or imagined sexual tension.

Liam wasn't sure why she stuffed them into one of Zayn's pillowcases, but she decided not to dwell on it too long as she changed, quickly exchanging the old set for the new one, sneaking in a quick sniff that made her knees go weak. What was she doing to herself? Why was she doing this? She told Zayn the truth. She didn't like girls, and she wasn't interested in being with one, and yet - she shut her eyes, trying to take a deep breath. She still wanted to be Zayn's friend, despite everything, which probably wasn't a good idea, but she liked Zayn's company, and she wasn't going to deprive herself of someone who made her smile just because she was having a massive sexual identity crisis, even if said crisis was triggered by the aforementioned person.

Liam walked into the bathroom just as Zayn was hanging up her towel, hair in a braid down her back. Liam liked playing with it the night before, and felt kind of sad that she didn't have the option anymore. She brushed her teeth alone, not looking up into the mirror because she'd remember that morning, and how much they looked like something they couldn't be. Liam washed her face, quietly willing herself to get over this weird self inflicted guilt trip. She walked down the hall into Zayn's room, where she found Zayn in bed, reading a thick book whose cover Liam couldn't make out.

She glanced at Liam and went back to her book, small smile, again, but it was the wrong smile. Liam climbed into Zayn's bed, crawling to the top of it before turning onto her back and pulling the covers up, scooting up to the headboard.

"Are things weird now?" she asked quietly. Zayn lifted her head and looked at her, raising an eyebrow in surprise. "Like - between us, I mean."

"Weird how?" Zayn sighed, shutting her book and setting it on her nightstand. "They're not weird, okay? I'm proud of you for telling me, and I don't want you to feel bad. You like what you like, Liam, just how I like what I like."

"What do you like?"

"I think we both know the answer to that question, Liam. Good night." She snorted and nodded, chucking quietly. She turned a little onto her side to turn off the lamp. Liam felt kind of deprived - they were lying in the same bed and it wasn't going to be like the night before and Zayn wasn't going to want to touch her at all and Liam kind of liked it, she couldn't lie and say she didn't enjoy lying on Zayn's chest and playing with her soft hair. The answer to Liam's question hung in the air, big and heavy, but Liam didn't want to think about it. It would make it all worse.

"Do you think - I mean... can - I just - "

"Come here," Zayn said quietly, engulfing Liam in her arms. Liam told herself that she was an omega who wanted to be cuddled, and that was normal, not that she was Liam and that she wanted Zayn to cuddle with her, or do anything else for that matter.

♥♥♥

Everything was back to normal by Monday, mostly. Liam had regained a tentative control over her emotions, her heat was close to five days away, just about, and Zayn was... well, Zayn. Jade came to pick her up for school, and they caught up on each other's weekends. She kept sniffing Liam and asking her who she fooled around with, and Liam, red faced, said that she didn't know what she was talking about. Jade kept it up all the way into school, flipping her brown hair over her shoulder as Liam avoided her questions.

"You reek of alpha," Jade teased. Liam leaned against the locker wall with her books held up to her chest, sniffing herself discreetly. Fucking Zayn. She rolled her eyes and made a note to herself to find body spray somewhere in her locker and take care of that, because she didn't want to smell like Zayn, not really. She thought about the conversation about her smelling like Louis, and what happened afterwards, thighs clenching instinctively. "Who was it? You can tell me."

"It wasn't anyone," Liam insisted, adjusting the strap on her bag as she walked down the hallway with Jade. "Drop it."

"I saw you with Louis," Jade quipped, humming. Liam's head snapped in her direction, raising an eyebrow. "What? That's not a bad thing. Louis' hot at as hell and he doesn't talk to just anyone. Maybe he likes you."

"Yeah, well he's actually - " The words in Liam's throat died out as she looked forward, stopping short in the hallway full of bustling, rushing students. She wanted to scream, but instead just stood there, mouth hanging open stupidly as she watched Harry lean up to kiss Zayn a little, wrapping her wiry arms around Zayn's neck as she pressed her body against hers. She couldn't breathe, feeling like an elephant was sitting on her chest heavily as she watched Zayn kiss her. She wanted to vomit, gagging a little as she looked at them.

"Harry! For fuck's sake," Jade hissed, laughing. "Get a room." Jade tugged Liam along, singing Louis' praises as Liam kept glancing back at Zayn, watching Harry drag her down the hallway to her locker. Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! thank you so much for that incredible response yesterday! let me know what you think today c: // find me on tumblr! magicalgyal @ tumblr


	5. i can feel it now that you're gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could she do that? And with Harry? Maybe Liam was upset because it was Harry, and she just didn't like Harry. Or maybe she was jealous? She rolled her eyes at the thought, scoffing quietly. Jealous of Harry? She couldn't be jealous or envious of someone having something she never had. And while Zayn said Liam belonged to her (as if!) she didn't ever say that she belonged to Liam. Which, well, left a lot of food for thought. Did this mean that Zayn could mess around with whoever she wanted and Liam couldn't get upset? And why would Liam get upset? She told Zayn that she didn't want this - all of this - so, what was such the big deal?   
> title credit // feel - bombay bicycle club

"Liam," Niall murmured quietly, jostling her a little.

Grace must have called him, Liam thought, peeking out of her blankets to look at him. She couldn't stop crying when she got home from school, hands shaking as she walked past her step mother. She didn't even know why she was crying, except she did, and she wasn't even sad. She was angry, and she couldn't remember being this angry before, ever.

She wanted to kick something, punched her pillows until she sobbed, collapsing against them. She'd been crying for hours, now, and wasn't sure she could stop. She didn't want to feel these things, didn't want to feel so vulernable and exposed and angry.

" _Liam_. I'm going to sit here until you talk to me, and I have all night because Jade's gone grocery shopping with Perrie and Jesy," Niall added, patting her foot underneath the cover. Liam kicked at his hand, trying to get him to go away. She wantd to be alone.

"Get the fuck out of my room, Niall." Had it been anyone else, they probably would have just left, since her tone left it pretty clear that she wasn't in the mood. But Niall stayed, kicked off his shoes and just made himself comfortable on her bed, stretching back and lying next to her. She kicked at him again, and he just laughed. "Go away," she hiccupped, rubbing her face against her pillow. Was she wearing Zayn's painting shirt? Maybe. It smelled good, and while it was making her mad, she didn't have the heart to shred it up and throw it in Zayn's yard like she kind of wanted to.

"What happened?"

"Harry. _Harry fucking Styles happened_ ," she hissed, rolling away from Niall, facing her wall. Niall made a noise, but stayed mostly silent, curious. He rubbed her ankle comfortingly, sighing quietly. "She just - and Zayn - Zayn told her - and she - fuck them both." Niall was still quiet, letting Liam vent silently. "I went home with Zayn after the party."

"Jade called her," Niall mumbled. Liam shot him a look, glaring a little. She didn't need him to protect her, but Niall was always looking out for her anyway, almost like a self appointed older brother. "She was really worried about how some of the guys were talking about you, and then Zayn told her that you'd called her too, so we kind of already knew. Sorry."

Liam sobbed into her pillow, punching her mattress in her anger. Everything was just horrible. She was so confused about everything - about her feelings and about Zayn and about Harry, furious about how everything was so quickly spiraling out of her control. She didn't like feeling so powerless, feeling like she didn't have a say in what happened around her.

"She - we - I let - we shared _something_ ," she protested, as if that would matter, as if Harry would hear her and somehow care, leave Zayn alone and go back to doing whatever the fuck she was doing before she started fucking with Liam's life. "And I th-thought it mattered and - she just - I - I told her I'm not gay and she just - fuck. I'm not gay, Niall."

"Okay."

"I'm not," she insisted, wiping her face. "I just - Zayn's so pretty, Niall, and she's so - she can be really nice when she's not hitting people." She laughed at how she sounded, closing her eyes. "And I thought she liked me."

"Who said she didn't?"

"Harry all but fucked her in the hall."

"Oh."

Liam cried into Niall's shoulder and he sighed, rubbing her back and keeping her from punching her wall or bed or him, holding her hands. She was just so mad. How could Zayn say what she said and two days later be with someone else? How could Zayn look at her and tell her that Liam belonged to her and go after Harry in the same breath? How?

"I'm sorry, Liam," Niall murmured into her hair, rocking her until her cries subsided into quiet hiccups. "Do you want to get milkshakes? Huh? We'll get something to eat and we'll find someone else, okay? Someone better."

Someone better, Liam thought. Right.

♥♥♥

"Niall." Jade looked at him, hands folded over her flat tummy as she looked at him. Niall was breathing deeply, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling of their small flat. They rented a one bedroom above a pastry shop and Niall rather liked it, really. He worked double shifts on the weekends to pay for it, and their parents helped out when they could, but they, for the most part, were pretty self sufficent, as most mated pairs were.

He felt the bed shift as Jade laid down next to him, propping her head up on her fist as she looked at him. He could feel her staring at him, and despite the seriousness of the moment, he smiled. And it wasn't even bad news, really. A little early and defintely a little unplanned, but, well. It was what it was. He sneaked an arm around Jade and pulled her close, hugging her and kissing her cheek. She laughed, squirmy. He opened his eyes in time for her to kiss him, holding his cheeks.

"We're pregnant," he murmured, laughing against her lips as she nodded, thumb brushing his cheek. "Pregnant."

"I don't think I'm very far along," she murmured, giggling a little as he flipped her onto her back, curling around him on their bed. "We're going to have to go to the doctor and figure all that out. I don't want to tell anyone yet, you know? It's too early to tell what could happen."

♥♥♥

Liam wasn't having the best week. First, cheer practice was cancelled because the coach eloped and would be on her honeymoon for two weeks, which left Liam without an outlet for her frustrations. Niall and Jade were happy about some shit, whispering and giggling all the time like weirdos and Jade just smelled weird as fuck, and Liam didn't know why. And on top of that, Grace and her father's anniversary was on Saturday, and they were leaving for a holiday which would leave her alone with Ruth. Had it not been for her heat, Liam probably would have been able to stay alone.

Louis kept looking at her like he wanted to say something, but he didn't, and Liam usually glared at him until he went away. She didn't know how she could have changed over night, how she could have been dying for his attention one day and not have been able to stand to be around him the next.

And fucking Harry. On Tuesday morning, Liam was greeted with the pleasant sight of Zayn and Harry sitting on one of the benches near the doors of the school. Liam stood there and simply stared, digging her fingernails into the leather straps of her backpack. Harry was playing with Zayn's hair and touching her, kissing her cheek and laying one of her long legs over Zayn's. Zayn was reading that same damn book, one hand on Harry's thigh thoughtlessly.

"Liam?" Jade asked, catching up to her. She simply stared, eyes narrowed at the suddenly happy couple. Zayn could barely stand to be around Harry a few days before, and all of a sudden, they were best friends, thick as thieves, madly in love. Liam wanted to throw up. Did Zayn use Liam? Did she take advantage of her? "Liam, come on."

Liam stormed into the school, leaving Jade in her wake. Jade caught up to her when she was wrestling with her locker, cursing quietly underneath her breath.

"Are you okay?" Jade asked as Liam stood at her locker, unbuttoning her jacket and hanging up her coat. "Liam?"

"I'm fine," Liam mumbled, running a hand through her hair to push it out of her face. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath or two, trying to calm down. She didn't care. She didn't Harry and Zayn were just that Harry and Zayn and they didn't include Liam, so Liam shouldn't have been so upset or taken it so personally. Right?

She brought down her books and shoved them in her bag, searching in the front pocket for her fruit and granola bars. She chewed, savoring the mango and grain with a small smile. She turned towards Jade, shutting her locker with her hip, frowning softly.

"Have you been using a new perfume?" Liam asked, sniffing her discreetly. Jade laughed, and shook her head, and that was the end of that. "Well, whatever you're using, it smells nice."

♥♥♥

Liam was in a somewhat stable mood until second block - history, which she had with Harry. Up to that point, Liam mostly tolerated Harry. She didn't hate her and she didn't really like her, because they just weren't that close. It wasn't a jealousy issue - Liam just didn't see why there had to be so much fuss over Harry, with her stupid curly hair and doe eyes and the way she drawled her words slowly. Maybe Liam was maybe a little jealous because Harry had Zayn's attention, but her heat was on Friday and she was just oddly emotional and easy to rile up.

Harry was sitting with Ed and Cara, painting her nails pink while Ed, an alpha that followed Harry like she hung the fucking moon, propped his head up on a fist, listening with rapt attention. The class had a subsitute that had yet to show up yet, so they were talking amongst themselves. Liam sat as far away from Harry as possible, or planned to until a group of giggly betas stole the corner near the window that Liam wanted to brood in. Which left the row next to Harry, so Liam sat down in a seat behind Cara, putting her head down in her arm to not look at Harry. But she could still hear her, unfortunately.

"She's taking me to the movies later," Harry explained. Cara cooed, and Ed sighed, wistful. Liam rolled her eyes, face buried in the sleeve of a shirt. It had been almost four days, and Liam still smelled Zayn's scent lingering on her skin. It both made her happy and made her want to cry, digging her teeth into her bottom lip. "I just want her to like me more, you know?"

Liam's going to throw up.

♥♥♥

"You have to eat something, Liam," Niall chastised, pushing Liam's tray in front of her. Liam glared, pushing it back. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to do anything. And how could she? Zayn and Harry were at it, again. This time, Harry was eating a fruit salad with Zayn, who was drinking some water and pushing some food around her plastic container. Niall looked behind him, rolling his eyes and huffing a little as he pushed her tray back in front of her. "I'll force feed you."

"Try it," she hissed, narrowing her eyes at him. Jade sat down next to Niall, deciding not to get involved in whatever it was that had Liam so upset that day.

"You can't split them up by glaring holes into Harry's head," Niall pointed out. "Eat something, okay? You're starting to worry me." Liam ate her lunch reluctantly, staring at Zayn all the while. She kept trying to tell herself that this was what she wanted - that she wanted Zayn to fuck off and stop being creepy as shit, that she wanted the freedom to find her alpha, that she just wanted to breathe without being suffocated by the pressure of Zayn's entity and space. And Zayn was giving her that, clearly, giving her the space she wanted and had asked for. Why was she so upset?

♥♥♥

Thursday dawned gloomily, matching Liam's mood perfectly. It was pouring down, and she'd overslept. Liam would have stayed home, but she didn't want Zayn to think that she was affected, or something, or that she cared about what she did with Harry, because she didn't, because Harry wasn't worth her damn time. So she got dressed quickly and ate breakfast, packed her lunch, and was out the door, only to find that it was freezing, raining, and she had no umbrella, so she could walk to school, but would get soaked in the process. And there was just no way for Grace to take her, or her dad, because they'd both left for their trip and Ruth wasn't going to be due home until later that afternoon, but before Liam came home.

Liam cursed, wrapping her sweater around herself. Did she still have time to call Niall or Jade? Probably not. She sighed and stared outside, unsure of what to do. She was going to call Perrie, who lived closest, but a honking horn startled her before she could do so. It was Zayn's car, a black, sleek little thing, and she was rolling down the window and poking her head out a little, glancing at Liam with concern.

"Do you need a ride?"

_"I need you to fuck off."_

That was what Liam wanted to say, but she simply stared at Zayn instead, feeling her bottom lip quiver as she tried to breathe deeply. Her hands shook, balling into small fists. She wanted to say no. She wanted to kick at her car and stomp off to school in a huff, just to make a point. But instead, she simply walks down her steps, hanging her head to avoid getting too wet before stepping into the car. She slammed the door, pulling her bag onto her lap and avoiding Zayn's curious glance.

"Thanks," she mumbled, leaning her face against the glass, facing away from her.

"Are you okay?"

Liam was silent, picking at her nails. She didn't want to talk to Zayn, could barely stand to be next to her after watching her with Harry for the last two days. It was almost like that weekend hadn't even happened, like Liam was just some other girl that Zayn lured to her bed with her big eyes and soft words.

"Liam?"

How could she do that? And with Harry? Maybe Liam was upset because it was Harry, and she just didn't like Harry. Or maybe she was jealous? She rolled her eyes at the thought, scoffing quietly. Jealous of Harry? She couldn't be jealous or envious of someone having something she never had. And while Zayn said Liam belonged to her (as if!) she didn't ever say that she belonged to Liam. Which, well, left a lot of food for thought. Did this mean that Zayn could mess around with whoever she wanted and Liam couldn't get upset? And why would Liam get upset? She told Zayn that she didn't want this - all of this - so, what was such the big deal?

"So you're not talking to me now?"

Liam turned away from the window and faced forward, arms crossed over her chest as Zayn slowed to duck into a drive through, probably to pick up coffee or tea for Harry. She could smell Harry in the car, faintly, and it made her eyes water. She drew into herself, still not replying when Zayn asked her if she wanted breakfast.

"It's my treat." Liam shrugged, but she wasn't interested and didn't think she could keep much down anyway, not with the thoughts of Harry touching and being all around Zayn. She wanted to throw up, felt so sad and tired. "I'll have two teas, please, cream and sugar on the side, and toasted bagels with cream cheese, please." Liam glowered, slightly angry because that was her favorite kind of breakfast and Zayn had no right to appease her this way.

Zayn pulled into a park's car park, shutting it off but leaving the radio on, a soft song crooning quietly.

"We're going to be late for school."

"I'm not going to school today," Zayn murmured, sipping her tea after blowing on it for a while. She poured two creams into her tea, and a packet of sugar, and then took a bite out of her bagel, glancing at Liam pointedly. "And you shouldn't be either," she added.

And, okay. To be fair, Liam going to school the day before her heat probably wasn't the best idea, given the fact that she might smell a little good to pass up to most alphas. She bit into her bagel, sighing as she melted into the seat a little. But even if she shouldn't have gone to school, she still wanted to. Mostly to glower at Harry, and so she could hang out with her friends and avoid her older sister. Though, she didn't know why Zayn wasn't going to school, unless - well. No. Zayn wasn't anything to Liam, wasn't her alpha and was barely even her friend, so.

Some alphas stayed back from school for a week if their omega was going through a heat, and for the most part, as long as they let the school know ahead of time and got their coursework together, it wasn't such a big deal. Liam was fortunate because her heat came during the weekend, so she didn't have too much to catch up on, but Zayn took different and probably harder classes, so why was she staying home for Liam? Unless she intended to see Liam through her heat? Which she most definitely was not.

"You can't tell me what to do," Liam mumbled, dabbing at her mouth as she ate. Zayn simply looked at her, that same fond look on her face. Her cheeks flushed as she curled her hair behind her air. "I'll go to school today if I want to."

"What if someone hurts you?" Liam snorted, rolling her eyes. She blew on her tea, pouring three packets into it and stirring it before sipping, rolling her eyes. Because Zayn really cared, of course. "I'm being serious. I've seen how they look at you."

"I think you're a little too busy with Harry, and I can defend myself. I don't need you to protect me," she protested, licking the crumbs off her lips.

"Harry? This is about Harry?" Zayn sounded incredulous. Like Liam couldn't be mad about Harry hanging around Zayn, or Zayn taking Harry out, or Zayn laughing with her quietly in the hallway, or just... touching her, in general. "For fuck's sake, Liam."

"Don't _for fuck's sake, Liam_ me, Zayn, okay? I don't - I can't believe this shit. From you, of all fucking people." Her voice trembled as she struggled not to cry, unduly emotional because of her heat, threw her off, made her feel like she was going to start sobbing any second.

"Language, Liam." Liam shot her a look, sniffling as she sipped her tea.

" _Fuck you_." Zayn raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, quietly eating as Liam stared at her lap. "You can't - you can't do these things, Zayn. You can't just - I have feelings, okay? And I can't - just... fuck you, okay? And Harry." Liam stared at the park in front of them, eating to calm herself down and keep herself from crying in front of Zayn. She was too proud, didn't want Zayn to see her that way.

"I can explain - "

"And you're not even my alpha, so go the fuck to school," Liam mumbled, sinking into her seat. Zayn made no move to turn on the car and drive them to school, and Liam was too tired and upset to tell her to turn the car around and go back. "Harry's s-so annoying," she protested, licking the cream off her fingers. "And she's not even pretty. Do you like her?"

"Does it matter? I'm not your alpha, remember?" Zayn's tone was soft and quiet, half the bagel wrapped up in paper, neatly in the paper bag. "Harry's just a girl, Liam. Don't cry."

"I'll cry if I fucking want to," Liam hissed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I can't - I don't - I don't like seeing you two together."

"I told you she's just a girl. Liam - "

"Am I just a girl too? Huh? Am I just some stupid girl you took home, too?" Liam pushed her food away, starting to cry in earnest, hot, angry tears of shame and confusion streaming down her soft cheeks. Zayn's hand carded through her hair as she unbuckled their seatbelts. Liam couldn't stop crying, chest heaving as she tried to breathe. Zayn pulled her into her lap, shushing her quietly and kissing her temple.

"Liam," she said quietly, rubbing her back. "Calm down."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't." Zayn nosed into her hair, sighing quietly as Liam hiccuped and sniffled, trying to take a deep breath. "And you're not stupid, okay? Relax."

"I must be," Liam sighed, feeling her face flush even further under Zayn's touch. "I thought I - I just - I wanna..." She rested her face in Zayn's neck, eyes closed as her memories flashed through her mind, memories of Zayn holding her and cooing at her. "I don't want to feel this way about you. I don't wanna like you this much, and I don't want to get mad when Harry talks about how pretty she thinks you are." She made a soft tut, rubbing Liam's back slowly.

"You can't help who you like, Liam. You can't help any of it, okay? This doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't make you anything but just who you are." She cupped Liam's cheek, bringing her up to look at her. She nosed at Liam's nose, rubbing them together with a small smile. "And I rather like who you are."

"But what about Harry?"

"I told you she's just... well. Harry. I don't know what else you'd like me to say." Liam looked at her, staying still when Zayn ran a tissue over her face, dabbing gently. She held it over Liam's nose, and she blew it half heartedly, squirming still on her lap.

"Are you really staying home because of me?" Zayn shrugged, balling up the tissue with a small sigh, smiling sheepishly. "You don't have to."

"Do you not want me to? I mean I don't have to if... if you really don't want me to. I just thought I would, maybe." Zayn's expression was kind of (really) priceless, made Liam feel like Zayn might have actually been... nervous? And was Liam making her nervous? Things weren't over, and Liam was still upset about Harry, but she was slightly swayed to let it go, almost.

"My sister's supposed to be coming home," Liam murmured, small smile on her face. "You know, to protect me from alphas like you."

"Like me? Like I'd ever hurt you."

♥♥♥

So, okay. Liam wasn't taking Zayn home so she could see her through her heat, except, she kind of was. Not that she thought Zayn could really do much else than touch her, if she even wanted to, but she was mostly taking her home so she could convince Ruth to go away that weekend. No one wanted to be going through a heat with their older sister banging down the door and telling them to shut up about a knot. Liam watched Zayn pack a simple bag of clothes and toiletries, humming under her breath.

Liam bit her nails, anxious. She'd never been around anyone during her heat, not really - Grace didn't bother her very much, though she did make sure that Liam had fresh water and food so she didn't pass out or get sick, and her dad, like mentioned before, was never home. What would Zayn think? Zayn had the unfair advantage of already having seen a glimpse of Liam during her heat, something Liam still couldn't get over.

"Liam?" She glanced at Zayn, who was holding up a carton of cigarettes. "Do you mind if I smoke in the house?"

"I don't, but Grace will, probably," Liam murmured, shrugging. She felt so nervous and still kind of calm, because Zayn did manage to be calming and cool when she wasn't doing anything but being her normal self. But still nervous because of what could have happened. Did she want anything to happen? She did, she really did, but what did it all mean?

♥♥♥

Zayn grinned while she laid on Liam's bed, lounging and stretching almost like a cat would, humming again. Liam was sitting on the edge of her bed, trying to swat Zayn away as she spoke to her sister on the phone. Ruth was having a bit of a difficult time getting down to Liam's because she was having car troubles, but still wanted to make sure that Liam would be okay. And she would be, was the thing, Zayn would be able to make sure that Liam didn't die or something (because her family was convinced that five days of being turned on were lethal), and she'd live. And the best part was that Ruth wouldn't tease her relentlessly about Zayn, which was good.

"Does this mean we get the house to ourselves?" Zayn asked, half cheek as she nuzzled with Liam's thigh, cheek against it. "Hm? We can walk around naked."

"We're not walking around naked," Liam laughed, rubbing her face. Zayn made a small noise of discontent, but still laughed, pressing a small kiss to her thigh.

"It was worth a shot, hm?" Liam nodded, running her fingers through Zayn's hair with a smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the lack of updates yesterday! chapter six should be posted today as well!!! thoughts welcome c: find me on tumblr!!! // magicalgyal @ tumblr


	6. touch me there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She hadn't actually given it much thought, too excited/distracted by the prospect of Zayn's presence alone to really pay attention to what that would mean. What did she want? Did she want her comfort only? Did she want Zayn to touch her? To be fair, Zayn touching her before didn't end badly, but she was afraid that her heat had the potential to complicate things. What if they mated? But was that even possible without a knot? And she's never had sex with someone else, except with Zayn, but can that really count? Zayn didn't finish at all, at least, not while Liam was around or awake.  
> title credit // a little death - the neighbourhood

"I think we should talk about what you don't want and what you do want." Liam looked at Zayn, legs folded underneath her. Zayn made Liam dinner, mostly because she wanted to and probably wouldn't have let Liam stop her, not that she wanted to, anyway. They were sitting on the back porch, watching the rain from the small patio table, happy to be underneath the awning. It was too warm inside, and Liam knew she'd only be getting warmer.

"What?" Liam asked, frowning slightly as she dabbed at her mouth, chewing her brocolli slowly. "What do you mean?"

"Well... I mean - with your heat, and everything. Do you want me there at all? Do you just kind of want to be alone? I don't want you doing something you don't want to do just because I'm here," Zayn explained, eating her rice as she stared out at the yard, glancing at Liam curiously.

"I don't know," she mumbled. She hadn't actually given it much thought, too excited/distracted by the prospect of Zayn's presence alone to really pay attention to what that would mean. What did she want? Did she want her comfort only? Did she want Zayn to touch her? To be fair, Zayn touching her before didn't end badly, but she was afraid that her heat had the potential to complicate things. What if they mated? But was that even possible without a knot? And she's never had sex with someone else, except with Zayn, but can that really count? Zayn didn't finish at all, at least, not while Liam was around or awake.

"We could do whatever you want, okay? This isn't about me. It's about you," Zayn pressed, sipping her drink. And Liam knew that, she guessed - she knew that it had nothing to do with Zayn and that it was, at the end of the day, about her safety and comfort, but she realized, sitting there, that the possibilties were pretty endless. With a boy, there was only so much she could do, for obvious reasons, but with a girl... her cheeks went pink at the thought as she set her bowl and fork down, drawing her knees up to her chest with a soft, quiet sigh.

"I want, um." She knew what she wanted to say, and she didn't know why it was so difficult. She just wanted Zayn, period. She wanted to be touched and kissed and coddled and she wanted to play, and god, she just wanted everything so badly. "I want to do whatever y-you want," she stammered, feeling small and overwhelmed. Everything was so overwhelming, the intensity of how she felt was just too much, and she didn't want to think about it, not like this.

"Whatever?" Liam nodded, and Zayn took that as it was, humming quietly under her breath. What did whatever even mean, anyway? Was Zayn into some kinky, weird shit, like burning her with cigarettes or something? Well, there was only one way to find out, wasn't there? 

♥♥♥

When Liam woke up on Friday morning, early and still dark outside, she was flush hot from her head to her toes. She stared at the ceiling, taking slow, shallow breaths. She felt like every one of her nerves were shot, overloaded with everything. She could hear the rain outside, soft and tapering, tapping gently against her window. The air was warm and sticky, charged with something she couldn't quite grasp. She shifted, leg bumping against Zayn. She turned, slightly, raising an eyebrow in surprise.

She'd only asked Zayn to sleep in her bed as a courtesy. As soon as Zayn laid down and snuggled with one of Liam's pillows, she knew she'd be having a hard time getting her to sleep in a different room. She stretched out and lounged like a lazy cat, giving Liam one of those knee buckling smiles. They'd spent the evening talking about everything and nothing all at once, which made Liam happy because she wanted to know all about Zayn, everything that made her tick and made her happy and mad and sad.

The dark haired girl had a leg thrown over Liam's, rubbing her nose against Liam's neck. Liam could feel her smiling, shifting her leg ever so slightly. Her breath hitched when Zayn kissed her cheek, hands settled lightly over the fabric of her suddenly too thick and heavy shirt. She drew her thighs together, huffing because it was too much, and she wanted to be naked and touched, now, please. Liam rolled onto her back, pulling Zayn with her as she wrapped a thigh around Zayn's hip, lips moving together slowly as she tangled her fingers in Zayn's messy hair.

"What do you need?" Zayn asked, brushing Liam's hair out of her face. Liam reached up to pull her back down, whining when Zayn stayed put.

"You, please, 's too much," she protested. "Too hot, feel empty," she barely managed to tack on, starting to tug off her clothes with a small huff. Zayn helped her, fingers cool against Liam's burning skin as her shirt slipped over her head. She had slept without a bra despite Zayn being there, mostly because she knew her heat was coming and the less clothes she had to wrangle off, the better.

She helped Zayn too, except she didn't know if she really could have been a big help, kissing and touching and rubbing her face against her silky skin. Zayn took really, really good care of herself, and Liam was slightly envious. She pulled Zayn over her body, moaning softly at how it felt to have the soft, supple flesh of her arms and legs and chest nestled against her own.

Zayn cupped her cheek and kissed her gently, deepening the kiss as she gripped Liam's hips. Liam sighed, feeling her thighs twitch when Zan moved down and kissed her neck, abandoning her lips as she sucked kisses into the skin, teeth scraping. They'd talked about what Liam wanted in terms of a bite, which was no. She didn't want to say not yet, because that implied that Zayn would see Liam through another heat, and she didn't want to get her hopes up innecessarily.

Zayn's lips travelled further down as Liam writhed on the sheets, kicking out slightly.

"Zayn, pl-please," she whined, tilting her hips up slightly as Zayn's lips wrapped around a pink, sensitive nipple. She hitched, soft moans and pants tumbling from her lips. She didn't realize Zayn's hand was trailing up until she felt it pressing against her slit, crying out needily. Her cheeks burned, wondering if she was being too loud or clingy or weird. She couldn't worry about it too much, not when she felt Zayn's thumb pressing against her slippery clit, eyes rolling back into her head.

She kept at it, devouring Liam as slowly as she could, no rush in her movements. She throughly enjoyed it all, slinking up to kiss her as she dipped a finger inside Liam. That one finger was enough to have her hips canting up, bucking as she sought friction. Liam gripped Zayn's hair, whining as she kept moving. It wasn't a large stretch by any means, didn't hurt too much, but it was Zayn, with her slender, gentle fingers, moving against Liam with whispered soft nothings and a gentility that bordered on perfect.

Liam's mouth fell open in a silent moan when Zayn slipped in another finger easily, moving them seperately. Her thumb still rubbed Liam's clit in soft circles, free hand keeping Liam's hips pinned to the bed easily. Liam wanted so much, wanted more and less and couldn't breathe, felt so close. Zayn was smiling against her lips, sucking in her bottom lip into her own warm mouth, letting it go with a light pop that made Liam cry out, pulling her face down towards her again.

She slipped a tongue into Zayn's mouth curiously, bucking against her as best she could when she curled her fingers against Liam, thrusting them with a slow, painful rhythm. Zayn's tongue slipped against Liam's, kisses almost mocking the movement of her fingers inside Liam.

When she came, it was with a slow, dizzying force, thighs spasming and clenching around Zayn's hand as she gushed, every hair on her body standing on end. Liam licked herself off Zayn's fingers, watching how Zayn's face melted into something headier than that heated fond look she'd send her all the time.

♥♥♥

Liam watched Zayn go through her box, rutting against her bed slowly just for the sake of friction. Zayn's so naked and pretty and Liam wants to touch her everywhere, feels cold and sad because Zayn's not touching her. She sets the toys out on the bed, neatly, then decides on the sparkly pink dildo, kissing the tip and wriggling her eyebrows at Liam. Liam's cheeks burned, dully, watching Zayn put everything else away neatly. Liam smiled when Zayn climbed over her, kissing her and rubbing their noses together.

"I want to taste you," Liam mumbled, reaching down to touch Zayn too, curious. She'd never been with anyone, girl or boy, and wanted to make the most of this. She wasn't trying to over think, and even if she wanted to, probably couldn't, too focused on Zayn.

"Yeah? Okay," she replied, nodding. She turned her body so that her thighs rested right over Liam's face, her own face nestled against her thighs. "Is that okay?" Zayn glanced back at Liam, only to find her already kissing up at her eagerly, small tongue darting out to taste. Liam touched her tentatively, surprised when Zayn let out a soft and still somewhat loud moan, almost buckling down. She smiled with pride, licking at Zayn in earnest. She bet Harry didn't do things like that, probably too concerned about her hair or something equally as stupid. She nuzzled with it, licking the soft pink skin enthusiastically.

Or at least she was until Zayn gently thrust the dildo in, moaning and breaking away slightly. Zayn sought her mouth out, thrusting the toy in at a slightly quicker pace.

"Just like that, baby," she cooed, thumbing at Liam's clit with a small flick of her hips downward. Liam lapped up at her, tongue stroking in sloppy, uncoordinated movements. Zayn tasted tangy and sweet and she could sit there for hours, suckling her into her mouth. Her lips sucked against her clit, rubbing her face against her slightly. It didn't take much for Liam to come, still riding high from her previous orgasms. Liam's hands wrapped around Zayn's hips, tongue still hard at work.

Her hips canted and made Liam smile, a little surprised as Zayn rubbed against Liam. She kept at it, desperate as she swallowed slowly. Zayn reached down to toy at Liam, hands grasping her breasts harshly, but not enough to hurt too much. Liam moaned, softly, wrapping her hands around Zayn's thighs with a whimper. She loved this feeling so much, loved how amazing it felt to have Zayn touching her and being with her and even if she was getting to that point where her arousal would overwhelm her, she wanted to enjoy this.

Zayn's moan wasn't even a moan. It was a deep breath that got higher and higher and higher until Zayn was crying out, loud and wanton. Her thighs clenched around Liam's cheeks as she came, grip loosening slightly as she rocked and let go. Liam lapped at her until Zayn pulled up and away, making a sensitive little noise.

♥♥♥

The first two days passed with Zayn unable to leave Liam for more than two minutes without Liam crying about needing to be touched again. Which was fair and understandable because she hadn't been knotted, and her body was designed to want a knot and to want to be sated and full of something in general. But Zayn was afraid, with reason, of course, that Liam was going to tire herself out and become dehydrated and get really sick if she didn't eat. So Zayn did what anyone else would do, and tired Liam out to the point where she was asleep, legs splayed open underneath the sheets as she slept quietly.

Zayn watched for a moment or two before heading downstairs to cook something quick. Liam's nap was short lived - she was up in almost twenty minutes, again, itchy and hot and slick and shaky because she was kind of hungry and thirsty and could have definitely used a good shower. She bent over at an awkward angel, twisting at the waist to reach her box. They'd used almost every toy, and Zayn had been setting them to the side to clean them.

Liam grasped the knot toy, kneeling slightly as she bunched up a few pillows and propped herself against them. She knelt, face down in the pillows as she rubbed the tip against her folds, sighing in relief. She wasn't sure where Zayn was, though she could hear her pottering about faintly somewhere, focusing on her own pleasure for the moment. She thrusts in the toy, feeling the knot form at the base somewhat slowly but still not as fast as she would like.

Zayn was climbing up the stairs with cheese toasties and tea and snacks for Liam, fresh fruit and water bottles on a tray. She stopped short in front of the door, listening intently to the wet squishes of Liam's toy and her cries for more. Her cheeks flushed because she shouldn't have enjoyed it nearly as much as she did. She walked in quietly, setting the tray down on the small nightstand. Liam's eyes were closed and she didn't even notice, still seeking release.

"Liam?" Liam looked at her and sighed, small smile on her lips as she reached up for a kiss, mouthing soft pleas into Zayn's mouth. Zayn climbed on the bed and grasped the toy, swatting Liam's hands away gently. Liam relaxed, presenting her pink, glistening folds to Zayn as she wriggled around, trying to get her to move. Zayn's body molded over Liam's as she pressed against her, drawing the toy in and out and angling it at that place she'd discovered a few hours ago, the one that made Liam fall asleep so soundly after playing with it so much.

"Look so pretty like this," Zayn promised, kissing at her neck and sholder blades and the knot in her spine, until she finally pushed Liam over, feeling the knot swell as Liam cried out, collapsing into the bed. Zayn followed suit gingerly, kissing her cheeks and brushing her hair away, sighing in satisfaction and something akin to happiness.

♥♥♥

Liam was plugged up with her toy for the sixth time that night, nuzzling her face into Zayn's soft breast as she curled a leg around her thigh. Zayn fed her some grapes, trying to get her to eat. She ate, sleepily, licking her lips and refusing to admit to being tired even though Zayn could see it plainly on her face.

"Thank you for staying with me," Liam mumbled, rubbing her eye. "I know it can be kinda difficult," she yawned, chewing on a grape Zayn popped in her mouth. "And that I'm pretty clingy and annoying, but - "

"You aren't," Zayn promised, making Liam's cheeks blush despite all they'd done over the last few days. She was over the worst of her heat, especially after that day, the third day. Her body just sought comfort and friction, didn't want a knot so much as satisfaction, over and over and over again.

"Thanks." She kissed her collarbone, scenting Zayn's neck again. She smelled so pretty, would probably have Liam writhing had she not still been coming down from her high. "Have you done this for anyone else?"

It was a terribly personal question, and really, not any of Liam's business. Whatever Zayn did outside of Liam was Zayn's business, and Liam couldn't just want to know something so personal. But Zayn was so aloof and mysterious, made Liam wonder exactly what it was that made her tick, who she was before she just waltzed into Liam's life. And maybe Liam didn't want to know the answer to her question, maybe the answer was something that would make her sad and jealous and ruin the experience, but it was out there, and she couldn't take it back.

"Done what? Seen someone through a heat? No." Her answer was surprisngly frank, gentle still, didn't make Liam feel as though she'd done something wrong by asking such an intimate question. It wasn't her business. Zayn was Zayn, she could do as she pleased when she pleased and it wasn't her business, all that was really her business was whatever Zayn did while they were together. Did this mean they were together? "I've never really wanted to. Felt like a lot of pressure."

"Pressure?" Liam props her head up, and Zayn hands her a water bottle. She makes an effort to drink, sighing a little when the toy slips out and lands between their legs.

"It's hard to explain. I felt like I'd need to be some perfect alpha and do everything right and I over thought it too much. But with you it's different," she hummed, twisting the cap on a little more securely on the bottle before setting it to the side once Liam had finished. "I just feel like... I don't know. Like we can just... be. There's no pressure with you, Liam."

♥♥♥

"I think it's over." Liam was staring at her wall, sitting between Zayn's legs in the tub. She felt very clean, refreshed, relaxed almost as they lied together. For whatever reason, she really liked the press of their naked bodies together in the tub or the bath, probably had something to do with the water and bubbles. And while standing up was an issue, lying down wasn't so bad, funny, almost. Zayn made the most of it, washing Liam tenderly and rinsing out her hair. She did the same for Zayn, noting small things - the length of her eyelashes and the tiny little dots next to her ears, the way her hair clung to her skin when wet. Little, insignificant details that Liam was sure would keep her up late into the night.

"Hm?" Zayn had taken to rubbing cirles into the skin of her tummy with the pad of her thumb, humming quietly as Liam melted against her. She felt boneless, like Zayn could pick her up and she'd slump, a sack of viscera and bones and skin in her arms.

"It's over," she repeated, and Zayn nodded, cheek against Liam's. Water splashed about as Zayn adjusted their bodies, sitting up a little. Her hand found Liam's underneath the soapy, bubbly water, lacing them gently.

Oddly enough, that one small gesture felt more intimate than their whole weekend combined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is today's second update, but there will usually be daily updates, not double! so. here it is. hi. wow. hello. // find me on tumblr!! magicalgyal @ tumblr


	7. i usually love sleeping all alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn felt her mouth go dry, Liam's smooth legs writhing in her sheets as she got comfortable. Her brown hair fell down her shoulders, red jumper contrasting suddenly. Zayn simply stared at her, watched how she stretched out and kicked her legs and reached over, twisting at the waist to reach the plate of cheese squares that Zayn may or may not have spent twenty minutes cutting into perfect little squares because she knew they'd make Liam happy. Her little bum hung in the air, leg kicking up slightly as she picked at the cheese and crackers, wiping her mouth a little. The hem of her red sweater rose, and Zayn's mouth almost dropped open. She leaned back in the chair and simply watched as Liam wriggled, slightly, thin string of her thong (and since when did Liam own thongs?) riding up, ending in a thready pink heart right above, frilly and lacy. Zayn wanted to remember Liam just like that, huffing because she wanted more cheese and didn't think the fan was cool enough. Liam popped back up, tray on her lap as she looked at Zayn. // title credit: often - the weeknd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was inspired mostly by the fact that zayn's new haircut is adorable af and that someone asked me to write a zayn chapter, and that took me a little longer than I expected it to! tell me what you all think c:

"I feel like you're going through a mid life crisis."

Zayn was sprawled on Louis' bed, hanging upside down. Her long hair skirted Louis' floor, eyes closed. Her shirt dipped down, slightly, exposing the charm on her belly button. It was feathers, cute and funky and weird - Zayn was a fan of weird, liked being different - but she wasn't sure what it could look like from that angle. She flicked her cigarette and brought it to her lips again, eyes closed. She knew Louis was still sitting in his chair, spinning slowly.

"I'm not," Zayn protested, tone soft around her cigarette. Louis stopped, footsteps coming close. He pulled the cigarette from her lips, earning a glare from her as he took a drag. She rolled her eyes, smoke leaving her lips in a huff. "I'm fine."

"Fine? Following Liam Payne around campus is not fine. Punching Nick in the face isn't fine. Stalking Liam isn't fine."

"I'm not stalking Liam."

Stalking was the operative term.

Zayn really liked Liam, had since she moved in and saw her tanning in her yard and listening to music. She thought that Liam was pretty and soft and very, very beautiful, and she did want... something, but she wasn't sure if Liam was ready for that and was loathe to force her into something that she wasn't ready for or really willing to explore. Zayn just knew that whatever Liam wanted would be what she would want too, that Liam would literally be it for her. They weren't mated, as Liam loved reminding her on a seemingly hourly basis, but that didn't matter to Zayn. She just wasn't as fond or tolerant of other people the way she was with Liam, which meant a lot, considering that Zayn wasn't exactly a people person. Zayn wanted to keep her safe, that was all.

And Liam, being Liam, was oblivious to most things in her surroundings. She didn't realize how alphas and betas alike would look at her and didn't hear the comments made behind her back, and if she did, she just acted like they were no big deal. And since most people didn't realize that Zayn was there because she could be very quiet and unassuming when she wanted to be, they let out a lot more than Zayn was pretty sure she was ever meant to hear. So many people wanted to touch and take advantage of Liam, and Liam, itty bitty thing that she was, wouldn't be able to fend them off. Unlike Zayn, on the other hand, who had, to date, broken a nose, sprained a hand, bruised a shoulder, and threatened most athletic teams on campus all in the pursuit of defending Liam.

A little excessive, maybe, but - well, she was Liam, and she made Zayn feel something warm and fluttering in her chest, something she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to feel for anyone before.

"Right. Because, you know, most people do what you do when they like someone. Creep."

"I'm not the one who steals Harry's underwear and jerks off into it," Zayn said with a simple smile, stealing her cigarette back from Louis. She blew a soft stream of smoke into his face, then went back to her inspection of the wall.

How was Liam? She hadn't texted Zayn that day, and okay - she was hanging out with Niall, who was relatively harmless, her "best friend" even though Zayn was pretty sure she'd seen more of Liam than Niall ever would. And that meant that she was probably busy and all, but she was still (pathetically) looking forward to something. A text. A selfie. A voicemail about how Zayn can't threaten the boys in Liam's life studies class with castration if they look at her. Anything.

"That was one time. Have you spoken to Harry, by the way?" Zayn glanced at Louis, curious. To be fair, Zayn had technically seen Harry first, at her orientation to her new school. They made out in the loo, and Harry was nice and sweet and Zayn sort of liked her, until she saw Liam, and all thoughts of Harry or what could happen between them disappeared just like that.

While Harry would have liked something to happen between Zayn, Zayn wasn't all that interested. Was their one night fun? Of course. But Zayn knew something that Louis didn't, and revealing said knowledge would undo "years of meticulous flirting" according to Harry, so she couldn't just tell him. Though, she assumed, if things went as Zayn suspected they would, Louis would be finding out rather soon.

"I haven't. I've been busy." And Zayn had been busy, mostly with Liam and schoolwork and the occasional family dinner.

"Busy fucking - ow!" Louis' yelled ruefully, rubbing the back of his head from where Zayn had hit him. Zayn simply smiled, flicking the white nub into the ashtray on the floor.

♥♥♥

Liam's heat had been exactly two weeks ago. For the last two weeks, Zayn and Liam had been dancing around the topic of what they were. Liam didn't really want to talk about her sexual preference (or crisis, even though Zayn didn't really think it was as complicated as Liam was making it out ot be) and Zayn didn't want to make her uncomfortable or feel like she was pressured to do something she might really not want to do. So Zayn had just been trying to spend more time with her in situations that were pressure free - at the park, at the library, on the walk home from school. They weren't dating, but they weren't friends, and Zayn kind of wanted to know just for her own personal peace of mind. If she didn't know, that meant that other alphas didn't know either, which would undoubtedly mean that they'd try to do something to her because they were under the impression that she was unattatched.

Zayn was the last person who'd want to ever be labeled or would want to conform to something as stifiling as a relationship, but whenever she looked at Liam she was filled with something akin to curiosity and genuine thirst for knowing exactly what they were. Liam avoided the topic at all costs, and Zayn did too, because of her. And she wasn't jealous when other boys touched her, or when she went home with Niall and Jade instead of her, or something. She just... worried.

♥♥♥

Zayn's studies were mostly art based, because the only thing she ever really interested in, before she met Liam anyway, had been art. She loved the idea of capturing something's beauty (or lack thereof) by any medium possible, be it canvas or clay or even on film. And Liam was supposed to have come over to help Zayn with her project for Mr. Thomas, but she was doing just the opposite. And Zayn knew that maybe Liam didn't mean to be as attractive or as arousing as she was, and that it was only heightened by how Zayn felt about her, but regardless, Liam was very much not conducive to Zayn getting that project done on time. She'd come over because she was bored at home - Grace was working late and her father was away, again, and Liam had a thing about being home alone at night.

Zayn was more than happy to have Liam stay over - her sisters loved her and her mum liked her a lot (said that she was a lot nicer than those 'loose girls' Zayn used to like back home) and while her dad hadn't met her, she was sure that he would like her too. Zayn actually has yet to meet anyone who doesn't like Liam, oddly enough. And speaking of Liam -

"Zayn," she whined, slumping a little. She sat up a little higher in bed when Zayn glanced at her. Zayn flicked the cigarette in the ashtray at her left, then took another drag, charcoal dragging over the page. "I'm hot."

Zayn needed extra practice drawing animated objects (like people and dogs and cats and birds and other things) and Liam volunteered to help because Zayn promised her dinner. (And Liam, for whatever reason, really loved it when Zayn cooked for her, or food in general, really. She was always munching on something, granola or quinoa cups or yogurt or celery and peanut butter, grapes and tiny mandarins, and if Zayn said that she didn't make the cutest little faces, cheeks puffy as she ate, then she'd probably be lying.) She looked at Liam, sitting back in her chair.

"It's only like, 60 degrees," Zayn laughed. She had the fan on, the heater off, and Liam was still flush, pouting because she was hot. She'd come over after school, still wearing a jumper and shorts and tights. Her shoes were kicked off, sitting in a heap on Zayn's otherwise neat floor, next to her backpack and coat. "Do you want some water?" Zayn was about to get up to grab some water bottles, but Liam was already tugging down her shorts and tights, sighing comfortably once she laid back down and fluffed up Zayn's pillows.

Zayn felt her mouth go dry, Liam's smooth legs writhing in her sheets as she got comfortable. Her brown hair fell down her shoulders, red jumper contrasting suddenly. Zayn simply stared at her, watched how she stretched out and kicked her legs and reached over, twisting at the waist to reach the plate of cheese squares that Zayn may or may not have spent twenty minutes cutting into perfect little squares because she knew they'd make Liam happy. Her little bum hung in the air, leg kicking up slightly as she picked at the cheese and crackers, wiping her mouth a little. The hem of her red sweater rose, and Zayn's mouth almost dropped open.

She leaned back in the chair and simply watched as Liam wriggled, slightly, thin string of her thong (and since when did Liam own thongs?) riding up, ending in a thready pink heart right above, frilly and lacy. Zayn wanted to remember Liam just like that, huffing because she wanted more cheese and didn't think the fan was cool enough. Liam popped back up, tray on her lap as she looked at Zayn.

"What?" Liam asked, licking the crumbs of the crackers off her fingers innocently. "What? Oh. You didn't want me to move, right?" She laid back against the pillows, propping her head up again in a mimic of her prior position.

(Their evening ended with Zayn pinning Liam to her bed, face nestled between her thighs. Wonderful.)

♥♥♥

"I have a girlfriend." Harry made a small face, green eyes confused as Zayn went about her business at her locker. She could feel Louis staring, again, but she knew that he was only staring at Harry, who, in turn, was only talking to her to get Louis' attention. Zayn felt like this was just an overextended foreplay session or something, because she was pretty sure they both got off on the chase and the thrill of it all. Liam was already in class (maths) and Zayn was going to go to her media studies, but Harry stopped her.

"But - "

"Harry, we've had this conversation," Zayn said softly, trying to keep her voice gentle. She patted Harry's arm, sighing. "I really like Liam, and Liam really likes me. We can't do this. And you like Louis - "

"Not so loud," she protested, making a small face. Her hand covered Zayn's mouth, and had Zayn not used her nice lipstick (Liam seemed to like it and Zayn liked how it made her seem menacing, so) it would have smudged all over Harry's soft hand. She glanced back at Louis, who was flocked by his teammates but still staring at the back of Harry's curly head. "He's going to hear you."

"Harry, you like Louis. That's okay." Zayn shrugged, running a hand through her dark hair. "You're allowed to like people. Like - Harry, he's a decent guy when he's not being seedy as fuck. Just talk to him, for fuck's sake. What's the worst thing that's going to happen?"

♥♥♥

It was Friday.

Liam was sucking her vanilla milkshake through a striped stray, white and red with a cherry and whipped cream. The diner was three blocks away, and this was probably the closest that Zayn would ever get to taking Liam out on a real date. Liam had started to get a little better about letting herself go around Zayn. On Wednesday, for example, Liam held her hand on the way to free block and even kissed her cheek (albeit secretly, behind her locker door), so Zayn was hoping they were making some sort of adequate progress.

Zayn asked Liam to dinner, and didn't actually expect Liam to say yes, so when she did, she was pleasantly surprised. And of course, Zayn, being Zayn, didn't want to make it weird, or make it feel like a date, except she wanted it to be a date. She wanted to kiss Liam in public and squeeze her hip and call her baby and she didn't see why that was such an impossibility - except for, of course, Liam's weirdness when it came to anything remotely involving feelings or admitting said feelings (or lack thereof).

Liam's cheeks were rosy underneath the light overhead, eyelashes casting soft shadows on her cheeks. It was just - Liam was so pretty, and sweet, and amazing, and Zayn knew that, but whenever she looked at her, again, it overwhelmed her and it was like she was seeing Liam for the first time all over again.

Liam dabbed at her mouth with a napkin, leaving a peach pink print on it when she set it down. She picked up the menu and hid behind it, then peeked at Zayn. When she noticed that Zayn was looking her way she hid, sinking into the booth. Zayn's lips twitched in a smile and she almost laugh, but instead sipped her water, eying over the menu as she bit her inner cheek.

"Why are you staring at me?" Liam asked after a beat, rubbing her nose a little. Her brown eyes were curious, curls loose around her face (Zayn was happy because her curls were the sweetest things she'd ever seen, soft and bouncy, like Harry's, but decidedly nicer) as she looked at Zayn curiously.

"I'm not staring at you."

Liam's eyes narrowed at her, making Zayn smile and laugh, a little, because she was as about as intimidating as a puppy. Zayn set her menu down, and so did Liam, leaning forward a little.

"You're just really pretty."

"Shut up," Liam mumbled, cheeks flushing.

"No really," Zayn continued, leaning forward. "I think you're beautiful."

"You're stupid."

"Stunning, even." Liam grumbled, sipping her drink with a small smile on her face.

♥♥♥

Liam had snuck Zayn into her room after a series of text messages.

_L: i'm lonely_  
 _L: zayn_  
 _L: zaaaayn_  
 _L: wake up ))):_  
 _**Z: go to sleep liam** _  
_**Z: why are you awake at midnight** _  
_L: because my bed is cold_  
 _**Z: liam you're burning up 24/7** _  
_**Z: go to sleep** _  
_L: you can't tell me what to do_  
 _**Z: liam if you'd just stop texting me you'd probably be able to go to sleep** _  
_L: stop being mean to me_  
 _**Z: go to sleep** _  
_L: come cuddle_  
 _**Z: you have a body pillow** _  
_L: are you saying you don't want to cuddle with me_  
 _**Z: i'm saying you need to go to sleep** _  
_L: why won't you come cuddle_  
 _L: not wearing any pants_  
 _L: took off my bra too_  
 _L: zayn )):_  
 _L: if you loved me you'd cuddle_  
 _**Z: sometimes i feel like you're using me just because you want to cuddle** _  
_L: i'll leave the window open_

Zayn was over there in about five minutes flat. Liam did have the window open, and did Zayn scale up her wall with the gutter pipe thing? Hell yes. She barreled into Liam's room, landing on the floor with a dull thud. Liam was in bed, probably naked or pretty close to it, seeing as she didn't like clothes at all for whatever reason (not that Zayn was complaining) and really didn't like to wear them when she was asleep. She moved over to make room for Zayn, lifting up her covers with a small, sleepy smile.

Zayn didn't even bring any clothes over. She was wearing a pair of joggers and tank top, socks and a pair of slippers she'd thrown on in her haste.

"You're a menace, Liam Payne," Zayn mumbled, but she couldn't even stay too mad when Liam climbed on top of her, face in her neck, tugging at her shirt as she settled herself between her legs. Zayn hooked a leg around her hips, kissing her cheek and running a hand through her hair. A light flicked on in the hallway, footsteps slow and heavy. Liam didn't seem bothered at all, but Zayn was kind of freaking out because, well - how would her parents react to a almost naked Liam cuddling with Zayn?

"Liam?" It was Grace, sleepy and curious. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, snuggling further into Zayn. "Dropped something, sorry." Grace stood in front of the door for a minute before she went back to her room, shutting off the light. Her hands settled underneath Zayn's shirt, lips pressed to her neck.

"I really like you, Liam," Zayn murmured quietly, wrapping some of Liam's hair around her finger. Liam's response? A light snore. Zayn smiled, quiet in the dark, and fell asleep too.

♥♥♥

The sun rose sleepily, muddled by heavy clouds that cast dizzy pinks and deep purples, waking Zayn up. That, and she was stiff, having lied underneath Liam for a whole evening. Not that she minded - Liam was soft and light and smelled good, like fruit and slick and everything that made Zayn happy. She heard Grace walk around, and Evan, talking about work and things - Evan had to proctor an exam or something and Grace had to do inventory, so Liam and Zayn were left alone.

She didn't sleep very much, asking herself the same questions and finding that she was going nowhere. What were they? What kind of relationship did they have? Did they have a relationship? Was Zayn just a ploy for her to get through her heats? Or a pillow? Or a girl to take her out? A girl to kiss in the loos during free block? What? And Zayn didn't do labels, okay? But she wanted to know. Even if she was never going to be Zayn's mate, or would never hold her hand around their friends - what the fuck was happening between them? What was it?

Zayn knew that her dad was coming home later, and that she should have gone home to at least see him since she never did, but she couldn't find the will to move, not when Liam was whining quietly and tugging at her, whispering her name in her sleep. Liam woke up when Grace and Evan knocked to say goodbye. She looked at Zayn, sitting up a little as she looked down at her.

When Liam kissed Zayn, she wantd nothing more than to kiss her back. She wanted to cup her cheek and pin her to the bed, touch her and lick her and snuggle with her and act like they were a couple. Because for a pair of people who couldn't admit that they wanted to be a couple, they sure did a lot of couply things. Dates at the fucking diner and cuddling at midnight and texting and kissing in the backseat of Zayn's car after she picked Liam up at cheerleading practice.

Zayn pulled away, making Liam frown curiously, looking at her with a small frown. Liam dipped down to kiss her again with a small giggle, but Zayn moved away, again, looking up at Liam with a small frown.

"Liam."

"Zayn, stop being dumb and lemme kiss you," she whispered quietly, dipping down for a kiss again. She stopped short when she saw Zayn's expression, frowning. "Zayn."

"What is this, Liam?"

"What? I'm trying to kiss you," Liam protested, pouting a little at her. And while that would have worked usually, this wasn't a usual situation. None of this was usual. "Zayn?"

"I think we need to talk about this," Zayn explained, looking at her plainly. "About us."

"What are you talking about?" Liam asked quietly, making a face. "I don't - "

"Liam, you know what I'm talking about. What - what are we?"

"I don't know," she mumbled, sitting up on Zayn's waist. "Is this - I mean - do we need to have this this conversation right now?" She curled some of her hair behind her ear, early morning light bouncing off her strands. "I don't see why we have to, like, right now," she mumbled, shy. "We don't."

"I told you that I don't want to share you with other people," Zayn mumbled, hand on her hip sadly. She didn't. She didn't want to walk around and feel like she had no claim to Liam because she really didn't, didn't have any sort of real claim to her other than the fact that they shared her heat and that she liked her more than she ever liked anyone before.

"I don't want - I think - Zayn, I don't know what we are, okay? What do you want me to say?"

"Do you even like me?" Zayn asked, feeling small and vulnerable. "Liam?"

"I don't know," she mumbled, folding her arms over her chest, biting her lip. "I don't - you, um. I. I have feelings for you," she murmured, but it sounded forced and like she didn't really mean it. Zayn sat up, searching for the pants she must have taken off in the middle of the night.

"Feelings. Okay." She pulled them up by the leg, and Liam's face fell. "That's great. You have feelings and I'm, like, mad about you and do whatever I can but you have feelings. That's fantastic." She adjusted her shirt, pulling it up to fix her bra and adjust the cups.

"Zayn, don't - "

"Don't what? What? I fucking like you, Liam. I - fuck. I carry your books home. I drive you around. I take you out. I eat you out, I - fuck, I just - I like you so much. And I just need to know what this is to you, so I can figure out what the hell I'm doing with myself."

"I don't - Zayn, please," she pleaded softly, but Zayn shrug her hands away, combing her hair into a braid. "I don't know what this is, okay? Is that what you want? I don't know."

"Good," Zayn forced herself to say, then moved Liam off her lap, hands gripping her hips as she sat her down on the bed. She tugged her sweats on, pulling her socks on after. "Fantastic, Liam. This is what we're going to do. When you figure out what the hell I mean to you, or what this means, or what exactly it is you want, come find me. You know where I'll be."

Her hands shook as she slipped her feet into her house slippers, pink bunnies not doing anything for the dramatic exit she wanted. She shut the door, and before she even reached the stairs, she heard Liam scrambling out of bed.

"Zayn!" Liam exclaimed, thudding after Zayn on the steps. Zayn was already at the door, tugging it open when Liam caught up to her, tugging at her shirt.

"Let me go, Liam," she said quietly, voice defeated. She didn't know what else to say, and didn't trust her voice to say anything. "Liam."

"Zayn, I just - I want you, okay? Isn't that enough? I want you to be my friend, and - "

"I want to hold your hand, Liam. I want to kiss you. I don't want to be your friend." She yanked herself away from Liam, forcing herself to walk away and not turn around when Liam started crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the kudos, comments, recs, bookmarks, and general cuteness!!! suggestions are welcome xo // find me on tumblr! magicalgyal @ tumblr


	8. make that kitty rain, often

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween was on Friday. Liam and Zayn had made matching costumes - they were supposed to be cute little fairies and Zayn made Liam really cute wings and even a flower crown. They were going to go trick or treating her younger sisters and then Zayn was going to just stay because well - why wouldn't she? (The plan was for Liam to walk around with a plug to at least keep her sated until Zayn could get her home.) But, given that Zayn wasn't speaking to Liam anymore, she doubted that they'd be trick or treating together, or spending the weekend together, or doing anything. // title credit: often - the weeknd

Liam laid in her bed that whole weekend. She didn't know if she wanted to cry or yell, so after a time, she kind of just laid there and stared at her ceiling, feeling numb and tired and very deflated. She thought that things were going reasonably well. Did she understand her feelings? Not really, but she knew that whatever she felt for Zayn wasn't going away anytime soon, regardless of how much she wished it would. And Zayn was a good person, was the thing - Zayn took care of Liam and, aside from Saturday morning, hadn't ever snapped on her or gotten upset.

"Liam? Are you coming down for dinner?" her dad asked, knocking on her door. She was silent, sniffling as she curled up with her pillow, eyes closed. "Liam? Do you want Grace to come talk to you?" Her dad wasn't exactly the most emotional person, but at least he knew he wasn't and didn't pretend to be. And Grace was, for the record, more of a mother than Liam's own birth mother was (wherever she was) to Liam, so it wasn't like Grace was going to do much damage. "I'm going to take that as a yes."

Liam was lying on her side and staring at the wall when Grace came in. She could smell gravy and biscuits and something fried, probably chicken, and while she was hungry, she couldn't bring herself to eat. Grace set it down on her desk with a bottle of water, then sat down on Liam's bed, folding her legs underneath her.

"Liam, are you going to tell me what's wrong? Or should I guess?" Grace's hand rested on her shoulder comfortingly and as much as Liam wanted to shut her out, she couldn't. She turned around, slow, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. Her nose was stuffed and itchy, and she knew that her eyes weren't looking any better. "Oh, sweetheart," Grace said gently, and pulled Liam close. Liam's face rested against her leg, trying hard not to cry again. "Is it a boy?"

"No," she said thickly, face burning. It wasn't a boy and that was the problem. When did this become her life? She wanted to like a boy, wanted to find a nice alpha that she could bring home to her parents and that she liked. But Zayn was an alpha and she was Liam's, or at least she was until Saturday. She was probably with Harry, and the thought alone was enough to make her feel sick to her stomach.

"Is it a girl?"

"What? No," she protested, but it was weak and thready. Grace hummed, twisting some of Liam's hair between her fingers gently.

"Are you sure? Because, you know, it's not a big deal if it is," Grace reminded her, tone soft. "It's not like we're going to be upset. You can't help what you like, Liam." Liam was silent, soothed by Grace's words and movements. She knew that she was right, after all. Her parents weren't close minded and definitely weren't that mean, so she had nothing to really fear on that end. It was just... everyone else. "I want you to know you're always going to be my baby, regardless of who this person is."

"I know," Liam murmured softly, wiping at her face again.

"Did you have a fight?"

"Sort of," Liam mumbled. Was it even an argument? Or was it Zayn asking Liam for answers? She knew that it would come, that day would undoubtedly come knocking at the door and Liam wasn't ready. She knew that, and still hadn't managed to force herself to look at herself honestly and figure out what she wanted. "I just - I don't know what, um - what I want."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Liam replied, and Grace hummed.

"Are you going to eat? I made your favorite," she coaxed, squeezing her hip. "Just a couple bites? They'll make you feel better."

"Maybe later," she sighed, sitting up a little. Grace sighed, soft brown hands resting on Liam's cheek comfortingly.

"If this... person is the right person, you'll know, okay? Trust me. You will. Like, your dad and me. I just knew, and he's dorky and weird sometimes, okay. But he's... well, I just knew when I met him. You'll know, I promise. It isn't anything you control, and you can't make it go away by holing yourself up in your room and not doing anything else but crying and over thinking it."

♥♥♥

"Can anyone tell me about soul bonding?"

Her life studies teacher, Yves (she insisted on being called Yves, and had been for years, so most of the students and new faculty didn't really even know her last name), stood in front of her desk, sitting against it a little. Her graying hair was wrapped up in a loose bun, tendrils falling against her neck loosely. She wore a floral skirt, past her knees, and a chiffon blouse, cuffs undone and rolled up to her elbows. Against her chest rested her glasses, hanging on a beaded chain.

"Miss Payne," she decided, after no one raised their hand. She sunk into her seat, feeling her face flush. She hadn't done the assignment, but everyone knew about soul bonding. How couldn't they? Everyone thought they were soul bonded until they broke up, which meant they couldn't have been bonded at all because they wouldn't have broken up if they were.

Liam cleared her throat and sat up, feeling everyone's eyes on her.

"A soul bond is, uh, it's kinda like when you meet your soul mate and you... bond. You can't break it, and you can't fight it. It's kind of just there to stay. It happens when an alpha bites an omega, or a beta bites an omega." She relaxed into her seat after Yves seemed pleased with her answer and moved on to another student to ask about the ethics of bonding, about not bonding with someone who didn't want the bond, and about what happened if someone's body rejected the bond. Rare, but there it was.

She wasn't mated, not by any means, nor did she want to be, but - well. Maybe she did? Maybe. Was that such an impossibility?

"Your assignment this week, if you're mated, is to explore the dynamics of your relationship and share it with the class on Friday. If you're unmated, I want you to observe your mated classmates or family members and do the same. I expect neatly typed papers, please." She sat down at her desk just as the bell rang, sighing softly.

♥♥♥

Liam walked down the hall to the washrooms. History was boring, again, and she wanted to fix her face and eat some quinoa and hang out in the library for a little while. And since there was a substitute, again, she was at liberty to cut class and not face any real repercussions for it. She walked into the loo, setting her bag down on the sink. She reapplied her lip stain and a light coat of powder, fixed her mascara and eyeliner.

(She thought about the drive home a week ago when Zayn told Liam that she didn't really need makeup and that she looked lovely with out it and even though Liam knew that, her cheeks flushed anyway, and she kissed Zayn, and that quickly turned into Zayn pulling over because Liam wanted to eat her out again, something that she was kind of getting good at. Her eyes watered at the thought, but she shook it away, blowing her nose lightly.)

After that, she checked her phone, again. She had been doing it almost compulsively, wondering if Zayn had tried to text her or call her or see if she was even alive at all. Nothing. And Liam had been trying to give Zayn space at first because she thought that Zayn was just a little ticked off, but no one had ever been genuinely mad or upset with Liam before so she wasn't sure how to take it. So she'd been trying to get Zayn's attention with selfies and voicemails and text messages that were, in hindsight, pretty clingy and weird and obnoxious, but Zayn hadn't taken the bait at all.

She walked back to History, not even bothering to skip because she had no one to skip with. How long was Zayn going to stay mad at Liam? Seriously?

♥♥♥

Liam couldn't bear going to free period on Wednesday afternoon. She'd caught one glimpse of Zayn that morning, standing with Louis outside and sharing a cigarette. Had she moved on to boys? The thought made her mad, but Louis was an alpha and a pair of them together didn't work well. She was mad because she liked Zayn and didn't like the idea of Zayn with anyone else. She'd told Zayn that she liked her in not so many words. What else did Zayn want from her? What? What more did Liam have left to give?

Their eyes met for a split second and Liam actually thought she was having a heart attack until Jade tugged her along because she had to use the rest room and didn't like going alone. Liam cried, silent, and told Jade to go on without her to class and that she'd catch up with her later. That in turn turned into Liam trying to get herself off because she hadn't in ages and felt pent up and sad and thought it would help, except she couldn't finish, which made her feel sad and unfulfilled.

She washed her hands and went to class and tried to feel settled, except she couldn't. Everything felt hazy and dull and weird, like she was in a dream but wasn't. She felt like crying, except she couldn't bring herself to do that either. So, going to free block to sit next to Zayn for an hour and pretend everything was okay was clearly out of the question. She told Mr. Thomas she had a paper to do, and he wrote her a pass to go the library, where she went after hitting up the vending machine in the teacher's lounge for some unhealthy snacks that, had Zayn been around, she probably wouldn't have been able to eat. Zayn was really keen on Liam taking care of herself and not binging on unhealthy snacks when she was sad, which - okay, to be fair, she did make a fair point.

But since Zayn was apparently ignoring Liam's very existence, Liam took it upon herself to eat as she pleased and do what she wanted. She walked into the library, munching on a chocolate bar, with a stack of books under her arms. She'd at least try to get some homework done, seeing as her evening was going to consist of not much more than crying over Zayn and watching Clueless, and eating more junk food out of spite.

Liam sat down at a table stacked high with books. She could smell Zayn, faintly, but she could smell Zayn all over the school if she tried hard enough so she didn't think much of that. She tugged down her black dress and set her bag on the edge of the chair, one strap hanging loosely. She dug out her maths homework and calculator, getting to work. She wasn't good at maths, or homework in general - unlike Zayn who was so smart and pretty and - she stopped herself, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath.

Why did everything smell so much like Zayn? She wasn't even there. Liam set down the chocolate bar and got to work with her homework, making a small face because she was unhappy and uncomfortable and very sad. She ran a hand through her hair, making a face at the problem before her. Zayn would know how to do it. She knew how to do everything.

"Why are you sitting here?" Zayn asked. Liam jumped, dropping her pen in surprise. Zayn sat a stack of books down, making a small face.

"Because I - I wanted to," she mumbled, feeling herself grow flush and pink in embarrassment. "This isn't your table. I didn't see your name on it." Zayn rolled her eyes, quiet as she sat down to read. Liam wasn't used to silent treatments or being ignored, and by Zayn of all people, who had been, up to that point, following her every move. She started doing her homework again, munching on the chocolate bar quietly. She sighed softly, making a face at the assignment.

"You know those are bad for you," Zayn murmured, shaking her head at Liam. Liam took another rueful bite, staring at her with a petulant, watery frown. She made a show of it, wiping the crumbs of chocolate off her lips and onto her fingers to lick at them quietly. Zayn stared at her, tilting her head to the side as she watched Liam finish the bar. "Have fun with that stomach ache," she added, standing up as Liam ate the last square.

♥♥♥

Halloween was on Friday. Liam and Zayn had made matching costumes - they were supposed to be cute little fairies and Zayn made Liam really cute wings and even a flower crown. They were going to go trick or treating her younger sisters and then Zayn was going to just stay because well - why wouldn't she? (The plan was for Liam to walk around with a plug to at least keep her sated until Zayn could get her home.) But, given that Zayn wasn't speaking to Liam anymore, she doubted that they'd be trick or treating together, or spending the weekend together, or doing anything.

Thursday, Liam paced back and forth in her room, phone in her hand. She wasn't going to beg Zayn to talk to her, but she was just going to... talk. They were going to have a reasonable conversation and Zayn was going to stop icing Liam out and she was going to fix things. She was. She didn't realize it would be as hard to call Zayn as it actually was, or that it would take her almost twenty minutes to muster up the courage to let the phone actually ring.

When it was answered, to Liam's surprise, it wasn't Zayn.

"Yo," an unfamiliar voice said - or at least, recently unfamiliar, anyway. Liam was silent, face flush as she bit her lip. "Anyone there?"

"Louis?"

"Uh... yes? Who is this?" Zayn was yelling in the background, and Louis was laughing, hysterical. Liam was mortified. "Hello?"

"It's - is Zayn there?"

"Louis!" Zayn was yelling, but after a tussle, Louis laughed, again.

"Who is this? Why are you getting so bent out of shape, Zayn? Jesus. Is this that Liam? Oh, my god. You're that Liam! Oh my god. Zayn, get off," Louis huffed, and there was a bit of a rustle again before he came back. "So you're the girl that's got Zayn all - _for fuck's sake, ow_!"

"Hello?" Zayn asked, sounding a little breathless. Liam could hear Louis cursing Zayn out in the background, and she sat down on her bed, trying to make sense of it all. "Liam?"

"Why - you're with Louis?"

"We're - don't!" Zayn laughed, and then Louis had the phone again. _"Lou! Stop!"_

"Hello? Mystery Liam? Yes, hi. It's Louis again," he laughed. "Zayn, relax. I'm not going to tell her anything embarrassing that she probably doesn't already know. Liam? Yeah. Listen, you should come to my party on Saturday? Like. You definitely should. I really think you should. It's a costume party, so you know. Dress up. I'll be expecting you."

"I - "

"Do you need the address? I'll text it to you. It's going to be so much fun to finally meet you. Zayn can't sh-" The phone went dead, and Liam was staring at the wall, making a small face. Going out on her heat? Was that really a good idea? No, but Zayn was probably going to be there, and Liam really wanted to see Zayn, regardless of the danger that would probably entail.

♥♥♥

Liam spent Halloween with her fingers stuffed inside her, crying into a pillow that smelled too much like Zayn for comfort. And as much as she wanted to just finish, she couldn't. Everything reminded her too much of Zayn, of her mouth and lips and fingers and touch and it made her cry, gasping into a pillow as she collapsed, deflated.

Saturday dawned in a rainy storm - both physical and emotional. Liam barely managed to leave her bed to eat and shower to at least try to mask her scent a little. Liam struggled to dress herself, feeling hot and stuffy as she slipped up the tights and fixed her costume, adjusting the crown on her head and the wings on her back. She kept telling herself that it was a bad idea. She was uncomfortable, the plug didn't feel right and she wanted to be naked, and she could smell herself underneath all her perfume and masking lotions. But she wanted to go. Even if Zayn was going to tell her she never wanted to see her again - then okay. But at least she saw her.

It wasn't easy sneaking out of her room. Liam had to jump onto the awning outside the bathroom window, which was scary because she didn't know if it would catch her or not, but it did, so. The next step of her escape entailed shimming down the support beam, which wasn't too bad, but the landing was a little rough, made her ears ring. Liam didn't have a car, and the address that Louis had sent her was in the middle of a suburb on the other side of town.

Liam took the train.

Taking the train in the throes of her heat probably wasn't a good idea either, but as long as Liam didn't move too much and stayed near the door, not very many people could scent her because it was still relatively early in the evening. There were some alphas on the train that kept whistling at her, but they didn't do anything. Probably because she was wearing Zayn's jacket, which she had kept after Zayn left it at her house and hadn't bothered to give back because it was big and the sleeves were too long even on Zayn, and it smelled really good. She smelled like someone else, which helped, but only so much.

The ten minute walk to Louis' was almost unbearable. She was so hot, and Zayn's jacket wasn't helping matters any. She consoled herself with the thought that if she didn't manage to get Zayn to forgive her at the party, then there would be a lot of alphas there, and maybe she'd meet one who'd at least see her through this even if they never spoke to her again.

That was what she wanted less than two months ago, and all of a sudden, she was all emotional and bent out of shape and only wanted Zayn to touch her. The house was bright, lit up with scary decorations that made her dizzy. There were people sprawled all over the lawn, drunk or throwing up, and the music was loud and blasting, windows shaking.

Liam took shaky steps up the stairs, pushing the door open and letting herself inside. She adjusted the crown on her head, eyes half lidded. She was dizzy and hot and thirsty, and felt better after her (Zayn's) coat was off, tossed on the heavy coat rack. She ran a hand through her hair, arms bare. The glitter mostly sweat off, but she still kind of looked fairy-like. Sort of?

♥♥♥

The fact of the matter was that she was an omega in heat in a house full of alphas that were probably drunk or near a rut or both. She should have expected this, was the thing. In a house full of alphas who knew or had seen Zayn and her possessive nature, she couldn't expect anyone else to do something to her. Going after another alpha's mate was asking to have one's throat ripped out (or nose broken) and it would be justifiable because that person had no business messing around with something that didn't belong to them. And really, silly girl that she was, how could she expect anything else?

"What are you doing here?" Liam squirmed against Zayn, leaning into her. She moved her neck to the side, trying to tempt Zayn out of being so upset. She was furious, all but dragged Liam into the empty washroom. She hugged her close, scenting her with a palpable frown. She moved her face forward, tutting softly. "You should know better."

"I wanted to see you," Liam protested weakly, panting into Zayn's neck. Zayn turned her face forward, cupping her cheek with a tut. "I missed you."

"Did you?"

"Yes," Liam hiccupped, breaths coming in shallow huffs as she tried to get Zayn to do something. "Zayn, please. I - I get it now," Liam stammered, hand on Zayn's. Zayn was kissing at her, rubbing her nose into her hair. "I know why you're - you're upset."

"Do you?"

"Yes. You w-want to be more than what we are." Zayn purred, happy, and Liam's cheeks flushed, squeezing around her plug. "You want me to be yours."

"But you are."

"You know what I mean," Liam sighed, chest heavy as she kissed at her jaw. "You want me. I - and I - I want you too, 'cause - you - you're so - _Zayn_ ," Liam whined, swallowing thickly.

"I'm so Zayn?" she asked, kissing at her cheeks. Her hands roamed and left a trail of fire in their wake, making Liam feel weak at the knees.

"You k-know what I meant," she whimpered, shaking her head. "Please. I like you, okay? You're - you're not what I expected but you're all I want now and I - _god_ \- I mean that, okay?" And Zayn grinned at her, tugging her up onto the sink, pulling her stockings down with a mischievous smile.

"That's all you had to say, sweetheart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter inspired by often by the weeknd bc that's my new jam this week. thoughts? heat chapter coming up! // find me on tumblr! magicalgyal @ tumblr
> 
> (also, I was asked to do a headcanon/visual thing on my blog, which you can find here! it's not spoiler free c: http://magicalgyal.tumblr.com/post/110550025893/oh-my-gosh-black-treacle-is-the-best-thing)


	9. you are the smell before rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn had wrapped a leg around Liam's possessively, knee poking out between the bubbles Liam insisted on having in her bath. One hand was flicking a cigarette into a makeshift ashtray on the floor, and the other was palming at Liam's body while Zayn hummed in Liam's ear. She wanted to say so much, but didn't know how to - Zayn was so aloof sometimes, even when they were like this, and Liam was loathe to pop her out of her bubble. Liam whimpered when Zayn's palm ran across her right nipple, rosy flesh standing at attention with minimal effort underneath the water.
> 
>  
> 
> tw/cw for undiscussed/unnegotiated (light) pain play   
> title credit: the boy who blocked his own shot - brand new (thank u lord for brand new & la dispute)

Zayn took Liam home, though they barely made it out of Louis' house because Liam kept trying to get naked, and Zayn had to stop her every few feet and remind her that she couldn't just get naked in the middle of Louis' party. Liam begged to differ. Her body was on fire and if she didn't get somewhere comfortable soon she was going to start crying and get naked regardless of what Zayn said. She managed to make it to Zayn's car before she started tugging at her loose green shift, pulling the hem up and over her head into Zayn's back seat.

"Liam," Zayn insisted, tugging Liam's hand out of her tiny little excuse for underwear. Liam whined, pouting at Zayn as she rolled down the window. "We're going to be home in, like, an hour. Do you think you're going to make it?"

" _Mm-mm_ ," she mumbled, hand cupping her breast through the light material of her bra. "Zayn, please. Everything's so hot," she slurred, wiping her hair out of her face. She didn't know why Zayn was even wearing clothes either. She leaned into Zayn, cupping her cheek and kissing at her soft skin. Zayn laughed and smiled, untangling herself away.

"Do you want to stay in a hotel?"

"Can - that's like, expensive," Liam huffed, fingers itching to adjust the plug. She rocked against the seat for friction, moaning softly as she does so. She was probably getting slick all over the seat, but they were leather so she was hoping it would come out.

"Liam, you're not going to make it home like that," Zayn protested, shaking her head. "You shouldn't have even gone out like that, for heaven's sake."

"Wanted to see you," she mumbled, breath hitching. " _Missed_ you." Zayn nodded, and Liam could feel her stare on her cheeks, which did nothing but spur her on. "Just - I don't care where we go, need you."

♥♥♥

Zayn ended up leaving Liam at a motel that was actually kind of cute in a vintage, seedy way. And had Liam not been itching to just cool off, a little, she would have taken note of the decorations, of how every room was like a little cottage with the windows facing a courtyard with a small pool, kitschy in a way that only Zayn would really appreciate. But when Zayn left with promises to return in about an hour's time, Liam could only itch and whine and finish undressing, drawing herself a cool bath to at least tide herself over.

She drew the plug out and onto the counter once she'd dipped into the water, sinking down a little. The water helped clear her mind, slightly, but not very much. She tried to will herself to focus on something else aside from herself, like the glamour lights lining the mirror, or the shower curtain, or anything. She texted Grace to let her know that she probably wouldn't be home that weekend (she would so be grounded but it would definitely be worth it, or so she hoped). Liam washed her body with the nondescript body soap and a wash cloth, feeling a little better but sad that Zayn wasn't there to do it. Where was she?

Liam climbed out of the tub and wrapped the towel around her body, then started to clean the plug again. She'd left it soaking in the sink with some soap, and cleaned around it as best she could, then dried it off with her towel before inserting it gently again, knees almost buckling with the effort. Liam's cooled off significantly, felt so much better, but she was lonely, didn't have anyone to lie down with. Did Zayn mean to leave Liam alone for her whole heat? Why didn't she just take Liam back home? At least she'd have some thing(s) to help take the edge off.

She laid naked on the bed, sighing at the feeling of the sheets against her skin. They weren't soft like hers, or decadent like Zayn's, but they were still kind of comfy. The comforter was big and white, puffy and bunched up at Liam's feet after she kicked it away. She didn't feel comfortable until she heard Zayn's car in the car park, rolling over and pulling a pillow up to her chest to support herself. She spread her legs slightly, laughing to herself at the visual she'd probably give Zayn.

"Liam? I - " Zayn stopped short in the doorway, and Liam glanced back at her, wriggling her bum in the air slightly. "Oh, angel." Liam grinned at her, back arching and dipping slightly as she spread her legs further. "I got food," she said quickly, pulling off her own dress and kicking off her boots. She set her flower crown aside, unfastening her bra and pulling down her underwear in one quick motion. Liam giggled, loud and surprised, almost a squeak when Zayn jumped on her, lips attacking her neck as her own naked body snuggled up against Liam's.

♥♥♥

"You need to eat," Zayn reminded her quietly, but Liam was more concerned with mapping out Zayn with her tongue and fingers and hands and mouth and teeth. She was occupied with Zayn's soft breasts, lapping at the darkened flesh, her thighs straddling Zayn's thigh. She panted softly, rocking lightly despite the fact that Zayn had just eaten her out ten minutes prior. Liam nuzzled her face against her soft flesh, teeth tugging the sensitive nipple into her mouth. Zayn moaned, light and wanton, and Liam smiled. "Liam - "

She just moved to the other breast instead, drawing as much of it as she could into her mouth. She sucked at it and licked, slow and gentle, making a face when Zayn pulled her away after a moment.

"Liam," she said gently, patting her cheeks to get her attention. Liam felt herself pouting in embarrassment, looking at Zayn with a sheepish expression. "We should eat, okay?" She nodded, hardly able to speak with how deep she was into everything. She whined when Zayn left, watching her hips sway as she walked to the bags on the counter and to the fridge. She grabbed water bottles and pineapple slices for Liam, a small box of chocolate (she'd bought many because the only real time Liam should have been indulging in sweets like that was after play, or during her heat), eying the kettle. She would put some tea on, later, after Liam was able to sleep for more than an hour.

Liam laid on Zayn's chest, eyelids drooping because she was tired but still warm and pliant. She kissed at her neck as Zayn picked at pineapple chunks to feed Liam. She licked at her fingers and yawned, chewing sleepily.

"Tired?"

"Mmhm," was Liam's pliant reply, munching on a chocolate square. Zayn held the bottle up to Liam's mouth, and she drank slowly, barely able to keep her eyes open. "You know how to tucker a girl out, Zayn." Zayn laughed and Liam smiled when she felt her hand in her hair again, squeezing around her plug.

♥♥♥

Zayn had gone out and bought, in addition to groceries, toys. Toys for Liam, pink and glittery and pretty and so cute, a new vibrator and even a few new plugs that Liam was scarily excited to try, among other things. Liam was mortified for maybe two seconds until Zayn showed her how the vibrator worked, and she came in maybe two minutes flat. She was propped up on pillows, air conditioner humming quietly in the room. Her knees were spread, and Zayn sat between them, pumping her fingers inside Liam lazily.

"Zayn, _please_ ," Liam whimpered, rocking back. The hand that Zayn used to steady her was frustrating, made Liam feel like she was going to explode with want if Zayn didn't do something. She felt the head of one of Zayn's toys, a little thicker than Liam's but not by very much, made Liam gasp the first time they'd used it but that gave way to a pleased little smile and giggle, bearing down against it while Zayn watched her from a chair, smoking a cigarette with a hand between her own thighs.

"Patience," Zayn said quietly, pressng the toy in another inch before drawing it out. Liam huffed, frowning as she collapsed a little against her pillows. Liam could feel Zayn's lips against her shoulder, making a small face because Zayn was taking forever. She pressed in again, going a little further. Liam whined, loud and wanton as Zayn kept that up for all eight inches, leaving her a whiny, breathless mess by the end of it. She ground against the base, eyes almost rolling back in her head.

" _Harder_ ," she insisted after a beat, because Zayn was just moving so slowly, taking her time and making it so intimate, like there could be something soft and docile about Zayn fucking Liam with a toy. She felt a light slap against her bum which made her sigh and moan a little, even if it caught her by surprise. " _Harder_ ," Liam insisted, but Zayn kept moving at that same slow, languid pace. She tried to rock back, but was only met with Zayn halting her movements completely before laying another quick series of swats on Liam's bottom.

Was she getting spanked? Fuck. Liam whined, wriggling around. She must have looked a mess, only a bit of the toy poking out of her hole as she tried to follow Zayn's hand. She didn't even know she liked that, but now that she knew, she didn't want Zayn to stop.

"Behave," Zayn chastised, half hearted. Liam could hear the smirk in her voice when she pressed a finger against Liam's clit, rubbing it slowly. "Do you like that, princess? Hm?"

"Yes," she whispered, arching her back a little. "Can - mm - please? Do it again?" she asked quietly, cheeks burning. She waited as Zayn moved the toy, deflating a little when she realized that Zayn probably wouldn't. The next swat caught her by surprise, a little firmer but still gentle, leaving a stinging pain on her bottom that made her gush a little, toy squishing wetly inside her every time Zayn moved it. Zayn tapped against it lightly, raining down swats against Liam's bottom as she whispered soft nothings into her ear, sucking kisses into her neck.

Liam didn't know she could come as hard as she did after that, soaking through the sheets and slicking Zayn's hand, collapsing on the bed.

♥♥♥

Liam woke to Zayn's hands kneading the flesh, groaning quietly in her sleep. It didn't hurt, not really, it was just a little sore but Liam liked it because it reminded her of what Zayn did and how much she liked it. She wriggled a little, and Zayn laughed, rubbing cool cream into it.

"Feels good," Liam mumbled, spreading her thighs as incentive. Zayn slapped her pink flesh, giggling quietly.

"Cheeky, aren't you?" she replied, disregarding where her hands were for the moment.

♥♥♥

Liam laid on Zayn's lap again, nestled between her thighs in the tub. The motel's tub was a lot roomier than Liam's, but Zayn's was nice because it had a floor with enough space for Liam to lay comfortably while Zayn ate her out. Not that she knew from experience, or anything. Her heat was mostly over, she could feel herself relaxing and cooling down as it ebbed away. Zayn had, like usual, taken care of Liam and reminded her to eat every few hours, gave her cool water and at least one full meal every six hours because she was big on Liam and her health (obsessively so). Her head lolled back, eying Zayn with curiosity and feelings that she was kind of coming to grips with. Kind of.

Zayn had wrapped a leg around Liam's possessively, knee poking out between the bubbles Liam insisted on having in her bath. One hand was flicking a cigarette into a makeshift ashtray on the floor, and the other was palming at Liam's body while Zayn hummed in Liam's ear. She wanted to say so much, but didn't know how to - Zayn was so aloof sometimes, even when they were like this, and Liam was loathe to pop her out of her bubble. Liam whimpered when Zayn's palm ran across her right nipple, rosy flesh standing at attention with minimal effort underneath the water.

She took a drag when the first finger entered Liam, making Liam jump and relax against Zayn's naked form. Zayn circled it around lazily and Liam didn't stop whining until Zayn added a second one, moving at a pace that made her keen and thrash against her in the warm water, mouthing at her damp cheek and jaw as her hips bucked. Zayn exhaled, blowing the smoke upwards as she smiled at Liam, quiet.

Liam was so sensitive that it only took a few pumps and swipes at her swollen nub for her to clench and tighten around Zayn's fingers, Zayn's name leaving her lips in broken moans and gasps.

♥♥♥

"We need to talk, Liam," Grace said quietly. She had been pleasant enough when Liam came home, told her to go upstairs and get settled and cleaned up, to help herself to the leftovers on the stove and to make herself comfortable. So Liam did, tried to scrub Zayn's scent away, cursing quietly when she was unable to. They weren't even mated. It was probably all the weird things Zayn did, like lick her randomly and press against her and give Liam her clothes.

She came downstairs in a pair of leggings and a loose, comfy shirt, newly detangled hair in a messy bun on her head. Grace had that look on her face, and her father looked a little uncomfortable, which meant that the conversation that was probably going to take place wasn't going to be very pleasant.

Her dad had pretty much been a single parent after Liam was born. For whatever reason, her mum kind of just checked out and didn't want anything to do with Liam or her older sister Ruth, and her dad, being his flippant, accepting self, tried to take care of the girls by himself. And for a while, that worked. When Ruth was old enough to help out with Liam, she did, but brunt of it all usually fell upon her dad. Seeing as he had no real idea how to raise two girls, the girls kind of got away with a lot before Grace came into their lives.

Grace wasn't strict, but there were rules, and if those rules weren't followed there were consequences, which Liam guessed was fair. It hadn't ever really affected her too much because she either didn't break the rule, or was sneaky enough not to get caught. But eventually, Liam realized, her luck would run out, and she was right.

"We love you very much, Liam," her dad began to say as Liam took a seat on the recliner, folding her legs up underneath herself. "And regardless of what you do, we'll love you because you're our daughter." Liam glanced at Grace, curious. He was acting suspiciously awkward, like that time Liam accidentally walked in on them (last time they slept with the door open), and Liam felt like shrinking into herself, wanting desperately to avoid this conversation.

"But you can't sneak out during your heat," Grace sighed, shaking her head. "Do you know how dangerous that is? What if something had happened to you?"

"But nothing did," Liam protested, gnawing on her bottom lip. She brought her legs to her chest, wrapping her arms around them as she propped her head up on them. "I'm fine."

"Zayn called me. That's the only reason I didn't call the police or something, Liam. Do you know how worried we were about you?" Grace asked, raising an eyebrow as Liam sniffed her shirt discreetly. She still smelled like Zayn, and surpressed an eye roll. The girl was a menace.

"Sorry," she apologized, cheeks flush. "I just - I got invited to a party, and Zayn was there, and then we kind of just went on holiday."

"I don't know if Zayn's really the best influence on you, Liam." Her dad's voice was quiet, gentle as he tilted his head to look at her better.

"Dad," Liam protested, making a face at him as her throat grew thick. "You don't even know Zayn."

"I know that you haven't been yourself since she's come around," he countered. "I think you guys need some space. Is she hurting you? You can tell us, Liam. It's okay."

"Is she - " Liam made a face at her parents, unable to stop that eye roll and scoff. "Are you being serious? Zayn, of all people? Why would she ever hurt me?"

"You tell us," her father countered, shaking her head. "I'm sure she's wonderful in her own right, but I don't like the idea of you seeing her. Not when she's - "

"No," Liam countered, shaking her head. "No, dad. She's - Zayn's my - she's mine and you can't just tell me I can't - " She stopped short, voice thick as she looked at them both. She could feel the tears brimming in her eyes hotly at the prospect, hands shaking as she dug her nails into the thin material of her leggings.

"Liam, calm down - "

"No, you calm down, Dad," she half hissed, swallowing thickly. "You can't stop me from seeing Zayn."

"Well, something about the girl mustn't be good, if you can't even tell us you're spending the weekend with your girlfriend - "

"She's not - she - we're complicated," she mumbled, cheeks flushing. She didn't know if she was outing herself to her parents, or if her parents had just assumed that she liked girls (which was still, and of itself, weird and novel, because it wasn't even just a pure physical attraction - Zayn was kind of the full package, or as close to it as Liam would ever get) or what, but it was still a weird conversation to be having.

"Then you can take this time apart to uncomplicate things," Liam's dad reasoned, making her seethe and bite her lip harshly to stop herself from crying.

"Evan - "

"No, Grace. Liam needs this," he explained, shaking his head. Because he knew everything, Liam reasoned bitterly, sniffling.

"I don't disagree but this isn't the way to do it," she said softly, eyes wide and soft. (Doe-eyed, sugary sweet - a look that brought most mated pairs to their knees. Liam would eventually perfect it.) "I think that if Liam has feelings for Zayn that you can't just tell her that her feelings don't matter. We're concerned, but we're happy she's happy, aren't we?" She raised an eyebrow after he was silent for a beat, and he reluctantly grumbled a reply. "We just think you and Zayn should go about it properly, that's all, whatever it is. I mean there's no reason to sneak around, Liam. Nothing bad is going to happen, okay? We're okay with Zayn and you and whatever you are, together. No worries."

(Grace had been picking up English mannerisms and sayings, which, paired with her American accent, were nothing short of hilarious and oddly endearing.)

Liam gave Grace a small smile as her father kept up his quiet grumbling. Grace kissed his cheek and that gave way to his face flushing, a small smile on his face when she wrapped her arms around him. Liam snuck out of the room when they started kissing, laughing silently to herself. That could have gone much worse, Liam surmised, and she was awfully glad that at least she had Grace there to defend her when she couldn't bring herself to do much else but stare and try not to cry.

♥♥♥

"So, are you guys mated now?" Niall asked, sprawled out on Liam's bed, head propped up on a fist. Liam was hanging down it too, staring at the telly upside down as she picked at the pretzels and popcorn in the bowl between them. Niall was looking at her curiously as she stuffed her mouth full, shrugging to avoid answering his question. Were they mated? No. Did Zayn act like they were, anyway? Yes, and the implicaitons of that was a little too much to bear.

The only reason why Niall was asking that was because Liam had been trying to make herself look more like Zayn's girlfriend or something, which included kissing her randomly in the hallways and holding her hand and not really interfering when Zayn hissed at someone for looking at Liam the wrong way. It meant that Liam didn't shy away from Zayn when her hand settled into the back pocket of her pants, and that she cut the occasional class to meet her in the loo for a quick makeout session.

"Nope," Liam said around her mouthful, and hoped that Niall would leave it at that. But since when would Niall leave anything alone? He was her best friend and she loved him for how curious and inquisitive he could be, but sometimes she wished he wasn't. But if he wasn't, then he wouldn't be the Niall she loved so much.

"Do you wanna be?" She shot him a look in reply, and he shrugged, sheepish. "Tough crowd, jeez. Sorry. It was just a question." Liam swallowed and took a sip of her soda, sighing softly.

"Did you know with Jade?" He looked at her, curious. Liam didn't ask about Jade very often, and had shied away from him slightly when they became an official 'thing', just out of respect to Jade and because she didn't want her feeling upset or hurt if she saw Niall with Liam - even though they'd never be anything more than close friends. "Like, right away, I mean?"

"Yeah," he said quietly, face burning. He wasn't exactly emotional, unless it involve Jade - then he became a mess. "She just - she looked at me and I kind of just... knew. Like, I don't really know how else to describe it. It was like I was missing a piece of myself and I didn't know it was missing until we met and - I don't know, Liam. You just know, you know?"

"Mm." After a beat, she added, "Do you think it's weird I told Zayn not to bite me? Like during, I mean? Like - "

"Too much information, Liam," Niall said with a cringe, shrinking into himself. Liam cackled, laughing with a snort. "There are some things I just don't need to know, Li. My goodness."

"Okay, well - I don't need to know certain things either, pal. Like - like how you lost your virginity to Jade? Hm? How did it go? _I think I've died and gone to heaven, Li, I really have!_ " she mocked, rolling onto her front from laughing so hard. "You big sap."

♥♥♥

_**Z: liam you can't just send me nudes in the middle of class** _   
_L: why not???_   
_**Z: because i'm in the middle of class** _   
_L: but i'm so cute_   
_L: look at how cute i am_   
_**Z: don't you have a class to be in right now** _   
_L: life studies_   
_L: but yves is out sick and we're watching a video on male pregnancy_   
_**Z: pay attention** _   
_L: but I'm not a boy ):_   
_L: zaaayn_   
_L: zayn ):_   
_L: wore this especially for you today xo_   
_**Z: are you taking these in the middle of class?!** _   
_L: the flash is turned off (:_   
_**Z: are you serious** _   
_L: srs_   
_**Z: what am i supposed to do with you???** _   
_L: i dunno_   
_L: fuck me ((: pls & thx_   
_**Z: liam find some chill** _   
_L: let's meet up in the loo_   
_L: i'll eat you out ;)_   
_**Z: liam!** _   
_L: like it when you say my name_   
_L: i can keep it down_   
_**Z: you're very misbehaved** _   
_L: misbehaved? who even says that anymore?_   
_**Z: people who are talking to misbehaved little girls like you** _   
_L: what are you going to do about it? spank me?_   
_**Z: don't tempt me, liam** _   
_L: ooh i'm so scared_   
_L: bet you won't_   
_L: all talk_   
_L: no game_

♥♥♥

Liam laughed against Zayn's lips, rocking on her lap as Zayn undressed her, shirt slipping over her head and falling onto the floor. Her hands cup Zayn's cheeks as she moves, lifting her hips a little to help Zayn tug her pants off to join the heap of Liam's clothes on the floor - jacket and jumper and shoes. She jumped when Zayn squeezed at her left cheek over the material of her thong (which she only started to buy after that art session a few weeks ago when Zayn kept staring at it, so she guessed that Zayn must have liked it) and slapped at the flesh, a light swat that made her cheeks flush.

"What if someone had seen you today? Hm?" Zayn asked, soothing the skin with her hand. Liam rested her head in her shoulder, rocking back into her hand, trying to tempt her to move a little forward. Just a little.

"Seen me whe - oh," Liam sighed, cheeks flushing even further. She moaned, soft and barely there as Zayn kissed at her. "I don't - don't think they would have, Zayn," she mumbled. "I was in the corner, in the back."

"The teacher could have," Zayn hummed, bringing her hand up to settle on Liam's waist. "I think I'm going to have to teach you a lesson, Liam. How many times have I told you I don't share?" Her eyes lit up, remembering their conversation from earlier in the day. Did Zayn catch on during her heat? Was she actually going to do it? "Over my knees, yeah?" Liam nodded and positioned her soft tummy on Zayn's thigh, noting that she had yet to get undressed. "Tell me when to stop, hm?" Liam nodded again and almost purred when Zayn rubbed her bum, kneading the flesh beneath her fingers.

"Thank you," Liam said quietly, cheeks flushing as her toes pressed against the floor, arching slightly. She could feel Zayn smiling, hands still kneading.

"How many times have I told you I don't share, hm? I don't think you answered me the first time."

"Too many," she said softly. "'M sorry."

"You're not, though. Are you?" She shook her head, because well - she wasn't sorry. And even if she wasn't caught, she wouldn't be sorry because she was right where she wanted to be. "What would you have done if someone had caught you?" A swat landed on her right cheek, and she bit her lip to keep from moaning, panting a little. "Liam? When I ask you a question, I want an answer."

"Dunno," she managed, eyes closing at the quick series of swats Zayn landed on her, barely there but still stinging all the same.

"You don't know." Zayn laughed, fond tone in her voice. "Do you do these things on purpose?"

"Mmhm," she confessed, starting to rock in time with Zayn's swats. She didn't realize that Zayn had caught on for a while, rocking slowly against her clothed knee.

"I was taking an exam," she murmured quietly, not relenting. Her hand was closed, crashing against her flesh in a way that made her too slick to even think right, gnawing on her bottom lip as quiet moans escaped her. "Do you think I needed that while I was trying to remember the answers? Hm?"

"N-No - _fuck_ ," Liam groaned, melting against Zayn's lap.

"Can you tell me why I'm spanking you?"

"Because I was - was - _mm_!" Liam whined, throwing her head back. Zayn dipped down for a kiss that didn't last long enough for Liam's comfort, making her writhe and pout when she pulled away.

"Don't pout," she reminded her, slapping her thigh. "Good girls don't pout."

"I - Zayn, oh. Wasn't good for you," Liam finally managed to string together, keening softly against the bed.

"You didn't even wear your plug today," Zayn tutted, running a thumb down the cleft between her cheeks today. "Disappointed."

"I was - hoped you'd take care of that," she groaned, wriggling around to encourage Zayn again. "'M sorry."

"You aren't. Don't apologize when you're not sorry," she chastised, punctuating her points with quick, hard slaps. Liam didn't even flinch, still rocking against Zayn. Her hands rubbed the sting out slightly, and finally, finally her finger dipped down, pushing the thin strap to the side. "Spread," she said, and it was almost like her legs fell open of their own accord, whining just a bit because Zayn wasn't touching her at all.

" _Zayn_."

"You like this, don't you?" Liam shook her head half heartedly, but still giggled when a firm swat landed right above her little nub, ending in a moan. "You're all slick, baby. Don't lie to me."

"Mm."

"Like it when I bend you over my knee?" Liam nodded, feeling her cheeks burn hotly again. A hand fell against her thigh again, tutting.

"Yes, yes," Liam replied, soft noises leaving her when Zayn pumped two fingers inside her, face pressed against her thigh as she rocked back. "Feels good." Zayn's hand gripped her thigh, keeping her hips still. She felt a sting, lightly, but it wasn't horrible, and paired with the feeling of Zayn's fingers inside her and touching her there, she felt so good.

There was an occasional swat, but much lighter compared to the ones before. Liam groaned in time with ever harsh pump, back arching as she tingled all over. Her orgasm came with whispered sweet nothings from Zayn, thighs clenching around Zayn's hand and a scream muffled with a pillow. It was beautiful.

♥♥♥

"Am I like your girlfriend now?" Liam asked quietly. She was laying on Zayn, leg wrapped around her hip again. Zayn's hand was soothing the marks on Liam's bum - which didn't hurt, regardless of what Zayn thought, even after she'd rubbed some lotion into it - smoking another cigarette. Liam had to get home, at some point, before her dad started making a fuss about Liam spending an "unhealthy" amount of time with Zayn. And frankly, as far as Liam was concerned, with every passing day she wanted to spend more and more time with Zayn, which... was a new feeling, definitely, but Liam was starting to accept it, little by little. It wasn't as jarring as it was before.

"My girlfriend?" Zayn asked, looking at Liam curiously. They were watching a movie and eating, or well - Liam was eating and Zayn was nibbling on the crust of the pizza Liam put back in the box between cigarette drags. She felt her cheeks burn in embarrassment when Zayn asked her that, incredulous.

"It was a silly question, nevermind," Liam said quickly, shaking her head.

"That's not a dumb question," Zayn tutted, squeezing her cheek to get a giggle from Liam. "I just - I kind of thought that's what we were. I thought that's what being yours and mine meant."

"Oh. I mean, you didn't ask so I thought - "

"Wanna be my girlfriend?" Zayn asked cheekily, kissing at Liam's cheek and sucking blooming kisses into her neck.

"Zayn," Liam giggled, pushing her away. "My dad's gonna see."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes, stupid," Liam laughed, snuggling into her. "I wanna be your girlfriend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! here's chapter eight! thoughts would be welcome! and i did another headcanon post (http://magicalgyal.tumblr.com/post/110662040723/black-treacle-is-just-soooo-well-written-and-makes). if you guys have any questions or suggestions, send them to my blog and I'll see what I can make happen. I'm thinking that tonight I'll open up requests on my blog for little girl!ziam drabbles and stuff so take advantage (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ find me on tumblr!! // magicalgyal @ tumblr


	10. you are the blood in my veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn was smoking a cigarette, tears pooling in her eyes. She didn’t wear waterproof mascara and wasn’t fucking crying, her allergies were just acting up and she was mad as shit because she didn’t have any antihistamines handy. She was staying at Louis’ because his SUV was big enough for everyone and all their stuff and it would have just been easier for him to pick everyone up with Zayn because Zayn would stop him from saying anything stupid to someone (read: Harry). Louis was packing and trying to avoid the pink elephant in the room (read: Liam) but it was hard when Zayn was, well, crying.   
> title credit: the boy who blocked his own shot - brand new

Liam ran a hand through Zayn's hair, sighing softly as they watched a film. Zayn was supposed to be tutoring Liam and helping her with her maths homework, but that plan crumbled after Liam kissed her and tugged her onto her bed, tucking a hand into Zayn's waistband. Her dad was away on a camping trip with his students, and so Liam was allowed to stay over at Zayn's instead of her own place. Trisha liked Liam a lot, and so did her sisters, mostly, so she felt comfortable going and staying over.

“Zayn,” she whispered quietly, kissing at her neck and jaw. Her hand crept into Zayn's underwear, tracing the patterns on the silk with a smile. Zayn squirmed, but otherwise stayed still, not playing into Liam besides that. “Zayn.”

Liam liked exploring herself with Zayn. She liked how Zayn knew those little nooks and crannies and spaces and places that made Liam squirm and giggle in delight and moan and come undone. But she didn’t exactly know where they were on Zayn, and she kind of wanted to. She kissed at Zayn’s jaw and cheek, nuzzling her cheek into Zayn’s skin to get her attention.

She pressed her hand down further, finger slipping down further between Zayn’s thighs, kissing at her lips. She made a soft noise of protest and surprise when Zayn tugged her hand away, smiling softly at her. Her shoulders fell when she looked at Zayn, but Zayn kissed her until she kind of forgot what had bothered her and put a pout on her face in the first place.

♥♥♥

“Why do I have to wear pants?” Liam tried tugging her pants up her legs, shimmying around the room. Zayn and Liam had shared a shower - Zayn had said something about saving water but she spent most of the shower touching Liam and shying away from Liam’s touches - and were getting ready for school in her room. Zayn was fixing her makeup in the mirror, a stick of incense lit. It smelled smoky and fruity, and while Liam didn’t burn incense, she liked that Zayn did. She liked the smell, made her feel comfy and cozy. She was wearing another one of Zayn’s shirts, not because she didn’t have her own clothes, but because she liked to wear Zayn’s, and a pair of pants she’d packed the night before.

She fell onto Zayn’s bed and kicked out, trying to button the pants. She knew that eating that pizza last night wasn’t a good idea. She huffed, blowing her hair out of her face.

“Because you’re not going to school naked,” Zayn laughed, glancing back at her. Liam giggled, cheeks flush as she watched Zayn wipe her lips, soft red. “Do you want help?”

“No,” Liam mumbled, pouting as she inched up Zayn’s bed. She felt her cheeks flush, hair mussed. “I can do it.”

“You sure?”

“Yes,” Liam whined, kicking out her little feet. Zayn walked over, not that Liam really noticed with how her eyes were closed and how she kept trying to suck in her tummy. She looked up when she felt Zayn’s weight on her hips, feeling her cheeks flush and go bright pink when Zayn looked at her. She felt Zayn’s hands reaching underneath her body, thumbs slipping into the waistband of her pants.

She shimmied the pants up Liam’s hips without much trouble, buttoning them at the waist. She kissed Liam then, but pulled away when Liam tried to deepen the kiss.

“We’re going to be late for school,” she pointed out, rolling off Liam with a simple huff, going back to fixing her makeup on her vanity counter.

♥♥♥

On Tuesday, Zayn and Liam actually went to school separately which was kind of weird, and left Liam feeling kind of lonely all day. Zayn had an appointment early and would be going to school later, and even though Liam understood that, she still kind of selfishly wanted Zayn to be around. Did that stop her from sending her bored selfies in class? Nope. Zayn kept telling her to pay attention in class, and Liam answered her with blurry shots of her underwear underneath her skirt.

“Do you and Niall have dry spells?” Jade almost choked, pink straw flying out of her mouth. Liam pushed around her lunch, stabbing at her fruit with a small sigh. (Zayn was packing her lunches, and snacks, and they weren’t just simply packed. She would include little notes and sweets and cute things that Liam was saying in a small box.)

“Dry spells?” Niall was getting Jade another lemonade and so Liam had the opportunity to get some answers out of Jade. Not that she was mated to Zayn, or thinking about being mated, or wanted to - except, well? The prospect of it wasn’t so scary, not as much as it used to be, but it still kind of threw her for a loop if she thought about it too much. (So she didn’t.) “No, n-not really. Niall’s, um, kinda like, really good about that?” Liam didn’t really need to know about their sex life, and Jade blushed just when Niall kissed her cheek so she doubted that she’d really cough up anymore information.

“Oh.” Liam munched on her peaches, licking her lips with a small frown. “Well.”

“Do you - is - I mean, is everything okay with Zayn?” Jade asked, looking at Liam with a concerned expression on her docile features. “You can tell me if it’s not going well, you know. No one’s gonna freak out.”

“No, Zayn and me are okay. Just - like. She’s not - I - ” Liam stopped short, feeling a little pent up and frustrated because she couldn’t explain what she wanted to say. It was difficult enough letting Zayn hold her hand in public and kiss her and try to ignore the inner turmoil she felt about everything going on around her at the moment. And it wasn’t like Liam got the chance to figure out how to explain herself to Jade anyway, because Zayn was sitting down and hugging her, kissing at her cheek.

“Hey, baby,” she said quietly, rubbing her knee. Liam melted, a little, smiling at Zayn, and for, the moment, forgot her discomfort about Zayn’s weirdness.

♥♥♥

“I guess things are getting pretty serious, huh?” Grace asked, cutting the tender meat on her plate. Liam had been pushing her food around her plate, but stabbed the vegetables on her plate with a small frown, chewing the string beans. Her dad shot Grace a look.

The topic of Zayn was still tender and sore. While Grace liked Zayn and wanted Liam’s happiness only, her dad was having a hard time accepting it all. Not because Zayn was a girl, though Liam suspected that it had something to do with it, maybe, but mostly because he wasn’t ready for Liam to grow up and find someone. It was something every parent had to face, and sooner or later, Liam was going to find someone. She was going to meet a boy (or girl, apparently) and they were going to sweep her off her feet and Liam would love them, and nothing that he would say would ever stop her from wanting that person.

And was Zayn that person? Liam wanted her to be, some nights, when she was staring at her ceiling in the dark and Zayn was sleeping quietly beneath her, pantless and deep asleep. Though, the idea that Zayn could be is scary, really, because her whole life and future will be Zayn one day. That one day Liam and Zayn are going to be _LiamandZayn_ and it’s scary and weird and it’s not so bad as it is exciting, but confusing.

“I guess,” Liam murmured thickly, cutting another piece of the pot pie with a small sigh. She chewed on the chicken, glancing at her parents awkwardly. “I don’t really know, like - it’s just... guess we are what we are,” Liam added.

“Would you like to have her over for dinner sometime, Liam?” her dad asked. Liam munched on a biscuit, trying to avoid answering the question.

“I think it would be fun,” Grace added, trying to be encouraging. Liam dabbed at her mouth politely, trying not to sink onto the floor and sneak out of the room. “Don’t you think, sweetheart? I think we should.”

“Okay,” Liam agreed around a mouthful of food, avoiding looking at her dad.

♥♥♥

  
“Have you ever been in love?”

The question hung in the air, hot and heavy in the once light environment. Liam had roped Zayn into going shopping. Winter was due any day, and Liam, with all her short skirts and pretty dresses, would probably freeze to death in minutes. And Zayn jumped at any opportunity to see Liam naked, so it wasn’t so hard to get her to come along. Liam had gotten a warm pair boots, a new coat, a few warmer shirts and thick jeans, some socks, other trifles (underwear that she’d bought when Zayn went to find new charms for her navel piercing). They went to the food court, planning on getting a quick lunch before Zayn took Liam home.

Zayn was eating a pretzel and Liam was picking apart some nachos, licking the cheese off her fingers and lips. She thought it was an innocent enough question, anyway. Liam had never been with anyone but Zayn so the answer to that question on her end was simple - no. Louis was, at the end of it all, a simple infatuation and childish crush.

(What she felt for Zayn was a fire, burning hot and bright and scaldingly beautiful.)

“In love?” Zayn asked, looking at Liam curiously. She sipped her soda, flipping her hair over her shoulder. And it wasn’t like Liam thought Zayn was going to say that she was in love with Liam or anything, because that would be silly and kind of naive, but... well, she kind of did. And she didn’t love Zayn, but she liked her quite a lot and it was difficult to come to grips with the fact that Zayn might not have felt the same way.

“Yeah. Like... in love with someone. Like you would want to, like, mate with someone one day or something?”

“Once before.” Zayn looked at Liam, ripping a piece off her pretzel. “I don’t like to talk about it.”

And okay. Liam didn’t want to push and really she didn’t have to know and if Zayn never told her then she’d just have to live with that, but it was difficult. She felt like she was giving Zayn so much and Liam got... very little back, sometimes.

♥♥♥

“How did you _know_?” Liam asks. Grace was folding her clothes in the laundry room, humming under her breath. Liam was helping her, but was kind of distracted by the thoughts that had been spinning on her mind in a perpetual loop.

It was different for alphas and omegas (and betas too). Alphas could come and go as they pleased. If they met an omega they liked, it wouldn’t be much of a big deal for them to go and mate with them, mark them up as theirs. The omega would be tied to them forever, regardless of whether the alpha stayed or not. They’d embedded that person inside themselves, and they were pretty much forever ruined for anyone else. Of course there were medicines to try to counteract it, to try to coerce the body into giving up what it once wanted, but those didn’t work very much.

And that was why they encouraged young omegas and alphas and betas to think about their mating choices carefully, and to not mate because everyone else is doing it or it seems like the cool thing to do. But everyone around Liam was mated or close enough, Jade and Niall, apparently Louis and Harry (which Liam didn’t understand but she didn’t understand her relationship with Zayn either, so) and Grace and her dad and everyone Liam knew, basically. Liam didn’t know if she wanted that with Zayn or not, but she felt something, and she needed to know what it was. Whatever it was?

“Know what, Liam?” Grace asked, glancing at Liam.

“I mean, like, _know_.”

The rumor was that every omega just knew when they found whoever they were meant to be with. Whether that person felt the same way was another story but the fact of the matter was that omegas were just supposed to know. Everybody made it seem like it was something so clear and easy to define, but it wasn’t. It just wasn’t. At least, not to Liam. Was Liam the frigid type? Was she one of those “weird” omegas who was going to spend the rest of her life alone?

“Like about a mate?” Grace asked, smoothing out the wrinkles in a dress shirt. Liam nodded, a little nervous and apprehensive about the topic. It was kind of a big deal - a mate was a once in a life time thing and some people ended up with the wrong person because they never found the right person. “Well, you just... you can feel it inside, you know? You just... know.”

“But how?”

“Somewhere in here,” Grace said, patting her chest. “That person just makes you feel really complete and.. like, well - they just make you feel like everything in the world is going to be alright even when it probably isn’t going to. Not in a delusional way but just in a... comfortable, happy way.” Liam nodded, folding her delicates and placing them in the hamper at her feet. “Is everything okay with Zayn?”

“Yeah,” Liam nodded, cheeks flush. “I just... I want to figure out things, that’s all. I don’t think I’ve ever liked someone this much.” Grace smiled and kissed her temple, drawing her close. A hand rubs her shoulder and makes Liam feel comforted, leaning against her.

♥♥♥

Harry flipped her curls over her shoulder, green eyes scanning Liam with an expression that the latter couldn’t really read. She crossed her legs, rubbing her pink lips together. A small sigh left her lips as Liam gulped, looking at her.

“You don’t have anything to worry about, Liam.”

Did Harry like Liam? She didn’t even know who Liam was until Zayn decided to just cut her off because she had a “girlfriend”. Zayn didn’t do monogamy as far as Harry was concerned - she wasn’t a one woman girl and that was that. And then she met Liam, and the doe eyed girl just changed her attitude completely. Liam was good for Zayn, or so it seemed. Zayn seemed calmer, even if she was kind of on edge all the time around Liam (not because of Liam, but because of what others could do to Liam). She didn’t smoke as much, didn’t hit Louis, and spent most of her free time with Liam if she wasn’t hanging up and getting into mischief with Louis.

Harry did think that Liam was a cutie pie, a little naive, and a little bit of an airhead. Even though she didn’t know Liam personally, she did know Zayn, and she knew that Zayn was too good a judge of character to get involved with someone who wasn’t worth her time. And given how Zayn looked at Liam like she hung the moon and was walking on clouds, a living goddess.

“I just - ”

“Liam, stop.” Harry chewed her gum slowly, blowing a big pink bubble in her face. She licked it off her lips once it popped, noting the discomfort on the other omega’s face. She was pretty, Harry guessed. Not as pretty as Harry, but Zayn could have done much worse so Harry couldn’t even complain. “Zayn likes you, okay? She likes you. She cares about you. She wants you. I’m the least of your concerns.”

♥♥♥

Liam leaned over to kiss Zayn, hand on her thigh. They were cutting class, again, but it was a free block and it was Friday and the next two weeks were fall break, so they were getting a simply early start, that was all. Liam had managed to convince her parents to let her go on a camping trip with her friends (Niall and Jade) and Zayn’s friends (Harry and Louis). The camping ground was near a lake, and it was chilly outside but still not too cold, uncomfortable but manageable with coat and mittens and scarf.

They were going home to pack and spend some time with their families, seeing as their holiday would last a good three or four days, and then they’d probably spend the rest of the two weeks attached at the hip. She was looking forward to it, hoping that they’d end up getting reconnected and fixing whatever weird rift had developed between them for no real apparent reason.

Zayn moved, slightly, and Liam ended up kissing the edge of her lips instead. She looked at her, biting her bottom lip as she looked at the side of Zayn’s cheek. Her eyes were focused on the road, eyelashes fanning out and long. Her makeup was toned down, shimmer on her eyelids, light powder on her face. She had glitter on her cheeks, probably from the glitter on Liam’s underwear - Zayn came over early that morning to “help Liam get ready for school”. Her hair hung loosely, falling free from the bun her head.

Liam withdrew even more from Zayn, folding her hands on her lap. She looked away, biting her lip as she took a deep breath. Does this mean that Zayn doesn’t want her anymore? Does this mean that Zayn only wants her body? Is Liam just a means to an end for Zayn? Except - well, Zayn wasn’t even getting off, didn’t let Liam touch her even though she really, really wanted to.

“Liam?”

She sniffled, pushing her hair behind her ears. She didn’t want to cry and she didn’t want to get upset because it wasn’t that big a deal and maybe Zayn was going through something Liam couldn’t get her through. Or maybe Zayn just didn’t want her? That was a possibility. Maybe Zayn had realized that Liam was only a dwarf star compared to her supernova and that she could do better. Could Harry have lied? Could Zayn actually want Harry instead?

She felt a hand on her thigh and moved it away, knee slipping away from Zayn’s hand. She tried to curl into herself as much as she could, face against the window. Liam wasn’t going to cry. She took a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut tight. She didn’t want Zayn to see her cry and look like a baby because she wasn’t, but she felt... hurt. Had she stepped over a line? Hurt Zayn? Had she said something wrong?

“Liam? Is everything okay?”

“I’m f-fine,” she whimpered, swatting Zayn’s hand away when she tried to comfort her. “Don’t.”

“Liam.”

_“Don’t.”_

“What’s wrong?”

They had been sitting in front of Liam’s house for a minute or two, but Liam couldn’t bring herself to get up and leave.

“Just say it, okay? Don’t... I don’t want you to - to string me along if you don’t want me,” Liam said thickly, wiping her eyes with shaking hands.

“Say - _Liam_ ,” Zayn said, grasping Liam’s hand. She tried to pull her hand away but couldn’t, trembling as she struggled to breathe. “Where did this all come from?”

“I don’t feel like you want me,” Liam murmured, taking slow, deep breaths. “I don’t - you don’t - you don’t want me to touch you, it feels like sometimes you just... you ice me out.” She collected herself, flipping some of her hair over her shoulder with a small, quiet huff. “Maybe we should just - maybe we need to like, figure ourselves out, like with time and space. And by _us_ , I mean _you_.”

“What? Liam, now you’re just being ridiculous,” Zayn protested, shaking her head. “We don’t _need_ space - ”

“Clearly we do,” Liam protested, biting her lip. “You don’t let me kiss you and you don’t let me touch you and you don’t talk to me about anything and I just... I feel like maybe we’re going too fast. Maybe we need...”

“Liam, don’t do this. We - I just - it’s not you.”

“Then who is it?” Liam asked, looking at Zayn. “I don’t understand you, Zayn. I don’t get you. I don’t think I’m ever gonna get you the way everyone does.”

Zayn kissed her properly, cupping her cheek, but Liam wasn’t sure if she wanted to kiss Liam, or if she was forcing herself to, or what. Regardless, Liam was unhappy with it, pulling herself away.

“I’ll, um - I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” The words felt heavy and weird and final as they left Liam’s lips, Zayn staring at her as she gathered her things and shut the door. She wanted to look back at Zayn and curl up on her lap because she was just that upset, but refused, and instead walked into her house and shut the door, locking it behind her as though to block Zayn out.

♥♥♥

“Don’t _fucking_ start.” Zayn was smoking a cigarette, tears pooling in her eyes. She didn’t wear waterproof mascara and wasn’t fucking crying, her allergies were just acting up and she was mad as shit because she didn’t have any antihistamines handy. She was staying at Louis’ because his SUV was big enough for everyone and all their stuff and it would have just been easier for him to pick everyone up with Zayn because Zayn would stop him from saying anything stupid to someone (read: Harry). Louis was packing and trying to avoid the pink elephant in the room (read: Liam) but it was hard when Zayn was, well, crying.

Zayn didn’t cry. It was just that she was pretty emotionally cut off and Louis knew that she probably had feelings, but she pushed them down and buried them deep. And Louis liked that about Zayn. He liked that he could chill out with Zayn and play video games and smoke a spliff on the roof and she wouldn’t get all emotional and talk about how much she liked him. She was one of the guys, and their friendship worked.

“I just - are you sure you’re okay?”

“Don’t forget your fucking sunscreen,” Zayn managed, wiping at her face. "You'll crisp. It's still warm, at shore."

“Did you and Liam have a row?” Louis ducked when Zayn whipped a pillow at him, blowing her nose into a tissue. He tossed in some jeans and shirts and boxers into his duffel bag, unsure what to do. He wasn’t any good at comforting people, which was why he’d make a rubbish mate one day, but there they were. “I feel like you and Liam had a row.”

“I feel like you need to shut the fuck and just _pack your shit_ ,” Zayn hissed at him, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. “And it wasn’t a fucking row.”

“Are things going to be awkward tomorrow? Because, like I don’t know how I’m supposed to, you know, get with Harry if Liam’s crying the whole - ” Zayn caught him with one of her hard stares, and he stopped short, sheepish. “Sorry.”

Louis had a bad feeling about the camping trip, which had originally been his idea because he was trying to get closer to Harry, but he was starting to fear it would all backfire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEEK! you guys! i'm sorry this update took so long. i wrote/re-wrote this chapter almost five times so idk here it is!!! the angst is only starting c: comments? thoughts? thank you for everything and all the support ahh it's been amazing xx ((((: find me on tumblr // magicalgyal @ tumblr


	11. i wish i was in love but i don't wanna cause any pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to know you. I don’t know you, Zayn,” Liam murmured. “Harry knows you better than I do. Louis knows you better than I do. Are you fucking them too?”
> 
> “I don’t fuck you. I give you the best orgasms of your life,” Zayn hummed, kissing at Liam’s lips. She smiled, and laughed a little. “That’s so vulgar. It’s more than that with you, and you know that. And apparently now you know that Louis and Harry don’t have any interest in anyone but each other.” She sighed, kissing Liam’s hand. Liam squeezed, leaning her head on Zayn’s shoulder. “I feel like this is really bothering you.”
> 
> ♥ A VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL ♥
> 
> title credit: waiting game - neon jungle (thank neon jungle for this chapter ALRIGHT alright happy reading)

“If you don’t want to you don’t have to go,” Niall said, watching Liam pack her bags angrily. Liam huffed, stuffing her thick socks into her travel case. She flipped her hair over her shoulder, hands shaking. The conversation was playing on a distorted loop in her head. Did they break up? She felt like it was a breakup. Except, it wasn’t, because Liam didn’t want to break up with Zayn and didn’t want Zayn to break up with her. What would the trip even be like? Would she want to be with Harry and Louis all the time? Was Liam just going to be chopped liver? She felt her hands shaking.

And what the hell did Harry mean by,  _“I’m the least of your problems”?_  Like Zayn was hiding something from her that Harry knew. Why would Harry know more about Zayn than Liam if Liam was her girlfriend (or whatever)? Her hands shook as she folded her jumpers with a scowl, trying to take a deep breath.

“Why not? It’s supposed to be fun. I’ve never been camping,” Liam mumbled, stuffing the clothes into the open bag on her bed. Jade was sitting on the desk chair and Niall was leaning against the window. She watched them exchange a glance, and suppressed a deep breath.

“Of course she should come, Niall,” Jade said, tutting at her boyfriend. “It’s a fun weekend. We’re all going to have a good time.” Liam found some of Zayn’s shirts intermingled with her things and it made her pause, feeling the tears prick her eyes again. What did Zayn want? She wanted Liam to act like her girlfriend. When Liam finally mustered up the courage, Zayn decided she was just going to shut Liam out and make her feel like she was doing something wrong, when all she had been doing was what Zayn wanted to do in the first.

“Fun, fun, fun,” Liam mumbled, rolling her eyes. She walked into the bathroom to get her toiletries, happy that at least they were staying on a campground with running water so she could at the very least get clean and sit in the shower and cry and avoid Zayn. How did everything get so weird? Did Liam make things weird?

Louis was there too soon, was the thing. Liam was dreading seeing him, and Zayn, and she knew that she’d just be in a sour mood as soon as he came, but she’d been planning on having Zayn there to make it better. But Zayn spent the night with Louis, doing whatever she did when she was with him (nothing good, that was for sure), which meant that she wasn’t there to keep Liam from getting upset when Louis said something. Knowing Zayn, she was probably going to brood and not say anything to Liam at all.

Niall helped Jade carry their things down (read: he freaked out - kind of - when Jade tried carrying her bag which was weird because it wasn’t that heavy) and Liam dragged her own down the steps, grabbing a coat and kissing her mum and dad goodbye. She’d gone through so much to get them to agree to this, and for what? They were having their first row. Was this a row? It felt so much bigger than a row.

Louis’ car was black and roomy and he was waiting outside to help Niall with their bags, loading them into the trunk. He made a curious face at Jade but said nothing, opening the door for them. Liam didn’t know why people were acting so strangely around Jade, but it wasn’t a major concern at the moment. Louis helped her with her bag, giving her a small smile. She sat in the second row of seats, in front of Niall and Jade, hands folded on her lap as she settled her purse at her feet.

Zayn was sitting there, still as a stone, staring out the window. Louis hopped into the car, turning it back on with a small sigh.

“We’re fetchin’ Harry?” he asks Zayn, who makes a quiet grumble that sounds something like a yes. Liam suppressed an eyeroll, crossing her arms over chest. She felt her phone vibrating on her lap, and she knew that Zayn was texting her, or hoped, but she wouldn’t look at them, couldn’t bring herself to. “Seatbelts.”

Harry lived, surprisingly, only ten minutes away from Liam and Zayn. Her home was pretty, cozy little thing with brick and ivy climbing the walls, a car sitting in the driveway. Louis honked the horn, and Liam didn’t miss the flush on his cheeks when he did, shifting in his seat as he lit a cigarette. Liam squinted at him, wondering why he was acting so weirdly.

“Can you call her?” Louis asked Zayn. Before he got the chance, Harry’s curly head poked out a window on the second floor, waving at them.

“I’m coming! Just - just hold on!” she exclaimed, laughing. Liam felt like she was being bathed in acid when Louis and Zayn looked at Harry with that look, almost seething as she dug her nails into her thigh. How dare she? How could Zayn say she cared about Harry and look at Harry like she was going to devour her right on the sidewalk.

“You should go help her,” Zayn said, glancing at Louis. He clammed up, shaking his head as Zayn looked at him. He flicked his cigarette out the window and gnawed on his bottom lip. “This whole weekend - really, Lou?” She unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed out of the car, jogging up to Harry’s front steps with a familiarity that she shouldn’t have had.

Liam darted glances at her phone, making a small face.

 _zaynie: liam?_  
zaynie: so we’re just not speaking now?  
zaynie: like at all?

Liam shoved her phone into her bag, shutting her eyes and rubbing them with a small sigh. She was going to be fine. This weekend was going to be fine. Everything was fine. They needed this space. They needed to slow down, she reminded herself.

“Hello? Earth to Liam?” Louis asked, drawing Liam out of her thoughts. “You think we should stop for breakfast?”

“Nando’s has a breakfast special!” Niall called out, and Jade laughed. Louis was not impressed, raising an eyebrow with a cheap laugh.

“Yeah, no. So, breakfast? Yes? No? Maybe? You’re just like, staring off,” Louis murmured, concerned. Liam was staring (read: glaring holes into Harry’s head) at how Zayn balanced Harry’s three stuffed valises down the steps, not at all dressed for the weather. She was such an airhead, and Liam was sure that the weekend would only drag on and on because of how Harry would fawn and coo and act so helpless in the woods and have Louis, Zayn and maybe even Niall, too. Louis glanced back, then settled in his seat, staring at Harry with a look that Zayn hardly ever looked at her with.

“Hi, Liam,” Harry greeted sweetly, climbing into the car. She smelled too sweet, soft and pliant and Liam didn’t want to be mad at her, but she couldn’t help it. She was just... jealous? No, but yes. It was difficult, really. “Thanks, Zayn.” Zayn grumbled in reply, shutting the door and buckling her seatbelt. She turned around and greeted Jade and Niall, and made pleasant conversation with them for a few moments. “Oh, thanks for picking me up, Lou.” She placed a hand on his shoulder, and Liam could have sworn that she saw his knuckles turn white.

♥♥♥

The campground was beautiful. It was big and sprawling, leaves falling from some trees, reds and yellows and oranges and purples everywhere. The grass was green, water blue, skies clear, pink and orange with the red setting sun in the distance. Liam took a deep breath and felt for a moment at peace with herself, like all the heaviness and sadness she’d been brooding over during the three hour drive just fading away, floating into the sky above her. She stretched out her limbs and stomped her feet to get some feeling back into them, shook out her hair and settled back into herself.

Louis was the one who’d made the arrangements for them, three cabins for three couples. They were log cabins, all in a neat row. After they checked in, Niall and Jade made a beeline to the one farthest to the left, giggling and whispering quietly. Zayn made a face at her, watching her run off with Niall.

“I think us girls should stick together,” Harry said, clinging to Liam with a small smile.

“I think we should give Zayn and Liam their space,” Louis hummed, shaking his head. “We - ”

“Don’t be silly, Louis,” Harry laughed, shaking her head. “It’s an amazing bonding opportunity! Come along, Liam! Let’s see our cabin.” She grabbed a key from Louis before he could protest any further, grasping Liam’s hand and tugging her away, laughing underneath her breath. Liam followed half heartedly, setting down her bags near the door. It was nice, a big comfy bed in the middle with soft blue sheets and matching white pillows. There was a kitchenette, small fridge, and small table. There was also a cute little bathroom with a toilet and a clean sink, but no shower because there was a large washroom near by.

Harry fell onto the bed, kicking off her brown shoes. Liam started to hang up her clothes, gnawing on her bottom lip. She could hear Zayn and Louis outside, and tried to focus on getting her jacket on a hanger.

♥♥♥

“You and Zayn had a row, huh?” Harry was lounging in yoga pants, sweater hanging off her shoulder. Her hair was in a bun on her head, swinging her legs. She’d brought some portable speakers and hooked up her phone to put on some quiet music. Liam was on the other end of the bed, reading a book. Louis and Zayn were outside, again, trying to get a fire going.

“We didn’t have a row,” Liam protested, turning the page. “We’re just taking a break, or something. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“No. I’m trying to read, Harry,” Liam pointed out, holding up her book. “Do you mind?”

“Yes. You’re being boring,” Harry whined, nudging her with her foot. “And obviously something happened between you and Zayn. I can cut the tension with a knife. You can tell me.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Did she do something?” Harry asked, concern on her gentle features. She blinked, biting her lip when Liam stayed silent. She shut her book and sighed, pressing her face against the bed. “Is she hurting you? Do you need help?”

“Harry, just shut up,” Liam snapped, groaning into the bed. She’d been talking non stop and Liam’s head hurt and she missed Zayn and she didn’t want to hear Harry’s voice at all. It was annoying, poured salt in the wound and made her feel like she itched. “Just stop.”

“I’m sorry.” Harry’s voice was suddenly small and scared and Liam felt like she had just kicked a little puppy. Harry was probably the type to start crying when her feelings were hurt. Liam glanced at her and she was tugging at a hangnail, blinking quickly. She sighed and itched closer, hand on her shoulder. “I’m only trying to help.”

“No, I’m sorry, Harry. I know you mean well. I just... it’s just a me and Zayn... thing. She’s very complicated and I’m... not.”

♥♥♥

The six of them sat on logs near their cabins with a large campfire roaring. Jade had gone out with Niall to get some snacks because Louis had only actually bought regular food and not old fashioned campfire snack foods like marshmallows and cocoa and graham crackers and chocolate and other staples. Jade was sitting on a log and Niall was sitting on the ground next to her, head on her knee as they roasted some marshmallows on sticks. Louis and Harry were sitting on the log opposite, hands grazing one another’s as they pretended to roast some s’mores.

And then there was Liam and Zayn.

Zayn tried to sit next to Liam, but Liam didn’t know what to do so she just shied away from her, which might as well have been a slap to the face with how Zayn looked at her. She tried to focus on getting everything to stay on her stick right, but they kept falling off, so Liam just ate her chocolate silently, staring at the flames and avoiding Zayn’s pleading glance.

“We should play a game,” Jade suggested, sipping her cocoa. The look Niall gave her was sickening, made Liam feel cold and lonely. The wind picked up and she drew her sweater around her shoulders, wondering why she’d left her thicker one inside.

“What about Who Am I?” Harry asked, glancing at everyone. “I have some sticky notes in my bag.” Everyone agreed, even Zayn, but Liam was silent, licking at the chocolate on her lips.

♥♥♥

“Okay, okay,” Louis laughed, sipping a bottle of water. Everyone was in hysterics, trying to keep the papers from falling from their foreheads. Even Liam felt a little better (not really but it was better than nothing) as she nibbled on some graham crackers. Harry was looking at Louis fondly, kind of like the way Zayn looked at Liam before. Before that shift happened, before everything just changed.

“I’m an American girl, right? I’m on TV?”

“Yeah,” Niall said. Jade was keeping time, her phone sitting on her lap while she kept score on a piece of paper.

“Thirty seconds!” she called out.

“Okay, okay! Um, um - am I married?”

“Yes,” Zayn said, wrapping a gooey marshmallow around her finger.

“Is my husband famous?”

“ _Yes_!” Harry exclaimed, nodding.

"We live in Hollywood? Are we pretentious? Do we have a kid?”

“One,” Niall mentioned, trying to goad Louis on.

“Fifteen,” Jade reminded them.

“Uh - I’m Kim! Kim Kardashian!” Louis exclaimed. Niall and Zayn cheered, and they all high fived and yelled when he took the paper off. The evening continued like that, with them playing games by the fire. Liam felt good, but didn’t feel happy, and was almost envious. Louis and Harry ended up sneaking away at some point, which left them playing with Niall and Jade, which wasn’t so bad.

♥♥♥

Jade wanted to turn in around ten, so they went to bed. Liam said a quiet good night to Zayn and went to her cabin and grabbed some toiletries to grab a quick shower and brush her teeth and go to bed. She was going to sleep, cuddle with a pillow and not cry about Zayn. Though she could, because Harry wasn’t there. Not that she wouldn’t come back, but.

Liam grabbed her night shirt and leggings and some underwear, lighting her way to the washrooms with a flashlight. Her shower was short lived, mostly because Liam found herself crying, and she didn’t want to cry and this was supposed to be a fun trip with her girlfriend and they were supposed to hang out, damn it. This week was supposed to be about them, about their relationship, not about... giving each other the silent treatment.

She brushed her teeth and combed out her hair, making a face. When Zayn combed her hair, she always did it slowly and gently and there were never any knots and she always braided her hair and made it look so nice and - Liam stopped short, grinding her teeth through all the knots she found and combed them out quickly. She didn’t braid her hair and just threw it up in a bun, then headed to her cabin, balling up her clothes in her towel. It was freezing, and she hoped that she didn’t catch a head cold because she was running around with wet hair in the night chill.

Niall and Zayn were talking near the dwindling fire. She watched them for a minute, but then headed into her cabin. She wasn’t going to over think it. She was going to just relax. She was going to breathe, slip into bed and put on some soft songs and relax into her bed. She’d put a kettle on and drink some chai and relax.

♥♥♥

Harry crawled back into bed some time around midnight, giggling quietly. She smelled like sex and sweat and alpha and soap, curling up with Liam. She made a face, wrinkling her nose and laughing a little at the absurdity of the situation.

“Louis and I didn’t have sex,” Harry whispered, face on Liam’s shoulder.

“I don’t need to know.”

“He ate me out,” she confessed. Liam could feel Harry’s blush, her own cheeks flushing for her. “He’s actually a  _very_ talented boy. Tongue game was on point, my friend.”

“Harry, we're not friends and I don't - ”

“I didn’t know I could come that hard.”

“Harry!” Liam hissed, giggling quietly.

“I think I like him.”

“Congrats.”

“Thanks. Are you and Zayn still having that row?”

“Harry, go to sleep.”

“We should double date.”

“We’re not going to double date.”

“Why not? We’re such a power couple group. We could be like, three power couples. Picture it.”

♥♥♥

“Oi!” Liam exclaimed, shielding her eyes from Louis and Harry in her kitchenette. It was barely even six, sky still dark. She threw a pillow at them, but Harry was too busy kissing him on the counter, bare legs wrapped around his waist. He flipped her off, pillow falling after it gently hit his back. Liam grabbed a change of clothes and some slippers, huffing.

“Bunch of fucking knobs,” she mumbled under her breath, heading to the next cabin. Jade and Niall were sleeping so she wasn’t going to go bother them, which left her no choice other than to go to sleep in Zayn’s cabin. They were all supposed to go swimming, but the sky looked too dark to tell if the weather would permit it. She knocked on Zayn’s door, shivering in the cold.

Zayn didn’t answer, which made Liam feel a little sad and definitely a little bit irritated because it was cold as hell. She turned the knob, regardless, not even caring if Zayn got upset. Maybe she should have kept Louis on a damn leash. She set her things down on a chair, fumbling in the darkness of the room. She found Zayn asleep, panties swung low on her hips, hair messily splayed around her on the pillows beneath her head.

Liam slipped out of her slippers and climbed into bed with Zayn, pulling the sheets over her head.

“Louis, go away,” she grumbled, kicking underneath the sheets. “I told you I don’t want to fucking  _spoon_ \- ” She stopped short when she turned, looking at Liam with a small, curious expression. “Oh, hello.”

“Louis and Harry are probably having sex,” she whispered, looking at Zayn shyly. “I thought I would come here.”

“Oh.”

“Do you mind?”

“No,” Zayn murmured, small smile on her face. Liam drew closer, sighing when Zayn wrapped her arms around Liam. She felt comfortable here, sleepy.

♥♥♥

Liam woke up alone again. The kettle was whistling. Zayn was walking around, hair tied in a bun on her head. She wasn’t wearing any pants, sipping a mug of something while she looked out the window. Liam crept up behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist. It was dark, still, pouring down outside.

“Are you still cross with me?” Zayn asked quietly. Liam pressed her lips to her neck in response, and she sighed wrapping her hand around Liam’s. “I miss you. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed us, hm?”

“I missed you too.” She hugged Zayn tightly, snuggling into her body with a small sigh. “I want us to be like... like Jade and Niall and my parents, you know? I want us to be happy.”

“Aren’t we happy?” Zayn asked, turning her head to look at Liam curiously. “I thought we were.”

“But we’re having a row.”

“Couples _fight_ , Liam. It’s very normal.” It was odd, hearing them referred to as a couple. As a thing, something real and tangible. “That doesn’t make us, you know, like a bad pair. And this isn’t even a row. This is us having a problem communicating, which is a problem some couples face. It's alright.”

“I want to know you. I don’t know you, Zayn,” Liam murmured. “Harry knows you better than I do. Louis knows you better than I do. Are you fucking them too?”

“I don’t _fuck_ you. I give you the best orgasms of your life,” Zayn hummed, kissing at Liam’s lips. She smiled, and laughed a little. “That’s so _vulgar_. It’s more than that with you, and you know that. And apparently now you know that Louis and Harry don’t have any interest in anyone but each other.” She sighed, kissing Liam’s hand. Liam squeezed, leaning her head on Zayn’s shoulder. “I feel like this is really bothering you.”

“You’re mysterious.”

“I am.” Zayn shrugged, sipping some of her tea. Liam took a sip too, humming at the taste. She took her tea sweet, like Liam. “Does it upset you?”

“Who was she?” Liam asked, glancing up at Zayn. “The girl you fell in love with,” she added. Zayn looked sad for a minute, but sighed, and rested her head against Liam’s. She felt like it was something bigger than her simply wanting to not talk about it, but Liam wanted to know. Zayn had seen so much, done so much before she met Liam, and Liam was just curious.

“Her name was Shoshannah,” she said quietly. “She was very beautiful, but she was very sad. And we had this really intense and wild and just really, like... burning hot and, I mean, in retrospect, very dysfunctional, but at the time, I thought that she really loved me. She went the uni near my house and I thought she was so cool, you? She was, like, such a pot head and popped so much ecstasy and... she took me to raves and out drinking and she made me feel like I was grown. I thought - I wanted us to be mated and I wanted us to be like, more than we were. I thought we were in a relationship and she saw it as just hooking up.” Her voice was thick and heavy with emotion, heavy. “We broke up like, a week before my fifteenth birthday. Shoshannah met this boy and dropped out of uni and just stopped talking to me and - ”

“It’s okay, Zayn,” she murmured, squeezing her close. “Thank you for telling me about her. She didn’t deserve you, Zayn. She didn’t. You’re a star and she’s some stupid stoner who could have gotten you really hurt.”

“Yeah,” she said, nodding slowly. “I just - I don’t want us to be like me and her. It’s weird because I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to hurt you and I’m afraid I will and I like you so much, Liam, like I don’t really think you - ”

Liam reached up and kissed Zayn, setting her mug on the windowsill to kiss her proper. She wound her arms around Zayn’s neck, lips moving against hers gently. She jumped up and wrapped her legs around Zayn’s soft waist, locking her ankles tightly against her back.

“You little minx,” Zayn murmured against her lips, kissing Liam again, cupping her cheeks.

“I like you too, okay? We’re different, Zayn. We’re so much better than that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys? like. thank you so much for all the support and love and everything i've gotten from you all!!! you guys are so special and honestly thank you so much for every comment and kudo and bookmark liKE ugh you guys make this happen and just feel really special okay? ahem anyway   
> i think that we're like half way / three quarters of the way through this story!!! maybe. (idk yet) // have questions? comments? concerns? want to be anonymous? want to read drabbles in this universe? want to request a drabble? want to see my not spoiler free headcannons? find me on tumblr!! magicalgyal @ tumblr ♥


	12. they just don't know you like i do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The water fell down the side of the cliff and ended in an aquamarine pool that glimmered and was surrounded by trees and wildflowers. Liam stood there and just watched it for a moment, setting her bag down on the ground. Harry was kicking off her shoes and already undressing, pulling her shirt over her head and folding it neatly. She bent over and shimmed her shorts down, looking back at Louis. Louis choked on his cigarette and spit it out, coughing. Liam tried not to laugh, untying her shoelaces when she sat down.
> 
> “Who’s gonna come swim with me?” she asked, pulling her curls into a loose braid down her back. Louis stripped in a minute flat, waddling into the pool with Harry. They swam quietly, floating on their backs.
> 
> title credit: they just don't know you - little mix

The rain didn’t let up through the day. If they did have any plans, they were washed away with the torrential rain pouring down from the sky, tapping rhythmically against the glass of the windows and the sides of the log walls outside. Liam and Zayn made toast and tea and even managed to scrounge up some cinnamon and butter for their toast. They laid on the bed and talked about everything and nothing all at once, and it made something inside Liam feel warm and toasty inside, like she was melted butter and Zayn was popcorn.

“Are you gonna eat?” Liam’s face was resting against Zayn’s hip, fingers running along the hem of her nightshirt. She was loathe to get up, and much rathered laying there and burying her nose into Zayn’s hip. “I feel like you should eat.”

Liam looked at Zayn with a small smile, one hand cupping her hip. Zayn, for all intents and purposes, really did have a beautiful body. Zayn was everything Liam wasn’t, curvier and softer and was squishy and cuddly and Liam loved it. She gave it a soft squeeze, glancing up at her curiously. Their intimacy had, for the most part, been one sided and while Liam wasn’t complaining and doubted she ever would, she felt like that was something to be shared between two people, and not just given to one person.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Zayn asked, raising an eyebrow at Liam, who just kissed her belly and settled herself over her legs, trying not to let Zayn see how nervous she was. She had a faint recollection of doing this to Zayn during her heat, but that was ages ago and she barely remembered her heats the way it was.

“You look good without any pants on,” Liam points out, dipping her fingers into the waistband of her underwear. “I really do think so.”

“Yeah?” Liam nodded and Zayn snorted, laughing. “You’re probably just a touch biased, don’t you think?”

“Nope,” Liam hummed. She shook her head and wriggled her eyebrows at Zayn, pressing a kiss to her hip. “Can I?” She nodded and Liam tugged them down, setting the scrap of white to the side. She looked at Zayn shyly, tipping into her hand when she caressed her cheek with her fingertips. “I want to make you feel good,” Liam said softly, cheeks pink.

“You do,” she replied, nodding. “Just do what comes naturally to you, okay? Take your time. We’ve got nowhere to be.” The smile she gave Liam made her feel weak, and she was already laying down. She snuggled into her thigh, lips pressing soft kisses to the skin she found there. It was softer than the rest of her skin, and smelled like flowers and something musky and she wanted to stay there forever, if Zayn would let her.

She felt her shift and glanced up, only to see the material of Zayn’s black shirt slide over her head, breasts free. (Zayn rarely wore bras. Not that she didn’t, or that she was flat chested, but she just rathered not to, and Liam was secretly so happy because of it. After her legs, Liam loved her breasts because they fit nicely in Liam’s hand and weren’t pink or brown but somewhere in the middle.) Liam reached up and grasped her soft flesh for a moment, not missing the flush on Zayn’s cheeks when she trailed her hands back down her body.

Liam’s hands held onto Zayn gently, unsure of herself still.

She was bare, not a single hair, which made Liam wonder exactly how meticulous Zayn was. And pink. She was really pink, like salmon pink and slick and pretty and Liam couldn’t help herself from diving in, licking up her slit with a quiet moan. She was like syrup, saccharine and sour all at the same time.

“Oh, Liam,” Zayn sighed, stroking her hair. Her tone was praising and soft, sighing. She licked, tongue going up and down her slit in long, fast strokes. Everything felt smooth and slick and still a little bumpy, but she didn’t mind it, not at all. She nuzzled her face into it, licking happily. “Liam - Li - slow down,” she said with a small smile, which made Liam stop, looking up at Zayn curiously.

“Am I - is it bad?” she asked, embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

“No! No, Liam,” Zayn said softly, shaking her head. “You’re doing fine. Just slow down, yeah? It’s okay.” She folded over, pecking her lips softly, then kissed her nose. “Take your time.” She laid back down and Liam reached forward again, licks much more measured than before. She reached out for Zayn’s hand, squeezing it. She smiled when Zayn squeezed back, moaning quietly. “Go up a little, okay?”

Liam started to lap quietly, nose nuzzled with the smooth skin between her thighs. She felt Zayn’s hands in her hair and felt herself growing slick as she tasted her, tongue darting out and suckling at soft nub. Zayn’s thighs tensed, feet resting on the soft material of Liam’s shirt on her back. She kept at it, reveling in the noises and squeaks and moans and groans and surprised little squeals that left Zayn’s mouth.

Her hand slipped between her own thighs, crying out against Zayn’s pink wetness. She thrusted her fingers into herself, lapping and licking and suckling Zayn into her mouth to prevent her moans from slipping out.

“Liam, oh god,” Zayn sighed, keeping Liam’s face nestled between her thighs. “I’m gonna - oh, oh _yes_ , baby, yes! So good, don’t stop, so - _fuck_.” Zayn came with a loud moan, wetness splashing against Liam’s tongue and lips and cheeks, moaning her name with a cry. Liam sat up and licked her lips, smiling at Liam with a small smile. She drew her fingers out of herself and licked them too, cheeks flush. “Come here.”

Liam found herself pinned to the bed, giggling underneath her flurry of kisses and coos and praises.

♥♥♥

“I have no clothes,” Liam sighed. Zayn’d put on a film and was snuggling with her bum, pressing kisses and nestling her face into her soft flesh. She was eating a sandwhich, picking at the crust.

“You don’t need clothes. We could stay naked all day,” Zayn giggled, biting her playfully. Liam jumped, laughing quietly. “You wanna? I could make it worth your while. I packed that toy you like, too.”

“The one with the glitter?”

“Mmhm,” Zayn hummed, thumb reaching down and tracing through her slick. “It could be fun.”

“But I want my c-clothes,” Liam stammered, sighing and dipping into Zayn’s touch. “And I packed some of my toys, too,” she whimpered. “I have some outfits, and need my phone and - _mm_.”

“Do you want me to go get them?”

“Mmhm.” She nodded, wriggling around with a small hum. A small swat fell against her bum and she sighed, melting into the sheets.

“Manners, Liam.”

“Please? Can you please go interrupt Louis and Harry fucking to get my bag?” Another swat, a little firmer.

“ _Language_.”

“’M sorry,” she sighed, reaching back for Zayn’s hand. She smiled when she smoothed out the sting, eyes closed as she cuddled with the pillow beneath her.

“Are you?” This was probably Liam’s favorite game. Liam didn’t really know why, she really didn’t. She wasn’t a ‘kinky’ person, didn’t think she would ever really be interested in things like this, but something inside her felt satisfied and happy and like she was getting attention she really wanted, and the best part about it was that Zayn just fell into it. She didn’t question it and didn’t make her feel bad about it. She even bought a special cream to help rub the sting out, but she never hit Liam hard enough to actually be really painful. There were a few red marks that Liam liked, and Zayn always fawned and fussed after her after the fact, kissing and cooing at her and taking a bath and making her treats.

“Yes,” Liam whined, biting the sheet. “ _Please_?”

“Are you going to be good?”

“Mmhm.”

“No you’re not,” she laughed. She pulled Liam up gently, kissing her and swatting at her bum playfully again. “I’ll be back.”

♥♥♥

Zayn and Liam were sitting in the tub when Liam brought Shoshannah up again. She had bought bath bombs for her own self, since she was planning on doing a lot of sad wallowing if she found a tub. Zayn dug up some candles that Louis had admittedly bought because he thought it would help him seduce Harry, but since Zayn said that she had “seen things she couldn’t unsee,” she guessed that he wouldn’t miss the candles.

“Did you do this with her too?” she asked quietly. She was leaning against Zayn, moving her fingers through the purple water. She wasn’t even asking to be mean or rude, but she was just curious and really wished that she knew more about this girl that had been with Zayn before they met.

“Do what? Baths?” Zayn flicked her cigarette on the ashtray, blowing the cigarette smoke up and away from Liam. “No. She was very cold, like, emotionally cold.”

“What kind of things did you do?” Liam asked, holding her free hand. Zayn was very silent, holding onto Liam. She settled her head on Zayn’s shoulder, kissing her cheek. She turned to look back at her, and Zayn kissed her, but she pulled away.

“I don’t like to talk about that, Liam. She’s not a part of my life anymore, yeah? I don’t see why she’s relevant to us,” Zayn murmured, kissing her cheek. “Is she?”

“No,” she mumbled, biting her lip. “It’s just us.”

“ _Us_ ,” Zayn repeats, smiling at Liam. She kissed her again, but Liam still felt a little uneasy.

♥♥♥

“Ew,” Harry frowned, looking at the mud on the trail. The sun had come out on Sunday morning, air humid and sticky as the sun shone down on them. She wasn’t mated, but she smelled like Louis a lot, and it made Liam gag. Zayn was eating some trail mix, camera hanging from her neck as she chewed slowly. Niall was holding Jade’s hand while she looked at some flowers, picking thin stems out of the ground. And Louis, sap that he was, was looking at Harry with something like love and adoration. Liam was hot and sticky and wanted to go back inside and fool around with Zayn some more.

But Niall, being Niall, wanted fresh air and sunshine and to enjoy their scenery, so he managed to collar everyone into going outside with him. Jade was wearing a cute little romper and looked happy, and Liam secretly suspected that Jade wanted to go on a walk with everyone. Zayn was taking pictures of things, like the trees and the birds and insects and flowers.

They were hiking to a waterfall that Niall had found online before they came out there, and were going to have a picnic lunch and go swimming. Niall had the wicker basket, Louis was carrying water bottles in his backpack, and Harry was upset that she had mud on her shoes. Liam walked with Jade while Zayn hung back.

“Are you guys better now?” Jade asked, putting a flower in Liam’s hair. She smiled and nodded, glancing back at Zayn, who was talking to Louis. “You look happier.”

“I am. I think, like, like - we’re gonna get better, you know? Like we’re - when we’re not having a row, we’re like, really good. She’s... like, I don’t know. I like her a lot.”

“I like you guys together. You guys both seem happy.” She brushed her hair up into a bun, messy on her head. “We need to double one of these days, yeah?” Liam nodded, and they made plans for the twenty minute trek into the woods.

The water fell down the side of the cliff and ended in an aquamarine pool that glimmered and was surrounded by trees and wildflowers. Liam stood there and just watched it for a moment, setting her bag down on the ground. Harry was kicking off her shoes and already undressing, pulling her shirt over her head and folding it neatly. She bent over and shimmed her shorts down, looking back at Louis. Louis choked on his cigarette and spit it out, coughing. Liam tried not to laugh, untying her shoelaces when she sat down.

“Who’s gonna come swim with me?” she asked, pulling her curls into a loose braid down her back. Louis stripped in a minute flat, waddling into the pool with Harry. They swam quietly, floating on their backs.

Jade and Niall were talking quietly as they stripped down to their own bathing suits - Jade wore Niall’s shirt and a bikini bottom, and Niall, being Niall, had a pair of funny board shorts - trading kisses and holding each other’s hand. Liam smiled, biting her lip. (She would always be happy for Niall because she’d honestly never seen a couple so in love, save for her parents. Jade was good for him, made sure he didn’t live on Nandos and video games all the time, and he was good for her, taught her to speak up for herself and to be independent.)

“Are you going to come swim?” Liam asked, adjusting the strap on her one piece. Zayn shook her head, finishing her trail mix. She wiped her hands on the back of her pants and started going through the picnic basket to get lunch together for everyone.

“I think I might, later. Go, yeah? Enjoy it.” There was a loud splash and then Harry was yelling and Louis was laughing hysterically - she looked like a drowned cat and he looked all smug, until she went and drowned him too. Liam felt Zayn kissing her cheek, holding her hand. “Have fun.”

♥♥♥

“This is a big deal,” Liam said, combing out her hair with a small huff. Zayn held her hand, putting it on the center console. “Like, it’s huge. I want Niall to like you.”

“He does,” Zayn laughed, glancing at her. “Calm down.”

“I just - it’s kind of a big deal. Like, he likes you because he’s my best friend, but like - if we get serious, you know, I want him to like you. I don’t want to lose my best friend because he doesn’t like you.”

“Liam, take a deep breath and relax. It’s just dinner.” She gnawed on her bottom lip and stared felt herself tensing up, trying to relax. Zayn rubbed her hand with her thumb, smiling at her softly. “It’s fine.”

The restaurant was nice, a little fancy but not too much. It was getting a little colder, so Zayn made Liam button up - which, in all fairness, was actually kind of cute, how Zayn fussed and buttoned her jacket and wound a scarf around her neck because she didn’t want Liam getting ill. They checked in their coats in the coat room, and Zayn kissed Liam to get her to calm down, pressing her against the door.

Niall and Jade were sitting at the table already, looking over the menus. Jade hugged Liam, happy, kissing her cheek. She kissed Zayn’s cheek too, and Niall and Zayn exchanged a hug that was kind of stiff, but they didn’t know each other very well, so Liam tried not to worry too much.

“Thanks for inviting coming out,” Jade hummed, unfolding a cloth napkin on her lap. “Aren’t we happy, Niall?”

“Of course,” Niall hummed, looking at his menu with a small frown. “You both look lovely.” Liam thanked him quietly, relieved when the waitress came over to ask them for their drink orders. She hoped that their dinner wouldn’t be awkward and stiff, but she didn’t have very high hopes.

♥♥♥

“Jade’s pregnant,” Zayn said on the way to the car. Liam was holding their leftovers, curry and some soup. She made a face at Zayn frowning. Jade had gained a little weight, but maybe seh was just growing into her body. Maybe Niall was cooking some fatty foods. Maybe Jade hadn’t been working out as much. But she looked healthy, was glowing and beautiful still and Niall didn’t mind, clearly.

“I can’t believe you’d say that,” Liam protested, making a face. Zayn lit a cigarette as she started the car, unbuttoning her jacket. “That’s so _rude_.”

“What? She smells pregnant, Liam,” she said, taking a small drag. “What? You’ve never scented me before?”

“Yeah, but... like - how do you smell pregnant?” Liam asked, making a face. It wasn’t impossible, and if Jade had been visibly pregnant then maybe Liam could have smelled something, but alphas had a sharper sense of smell (but omegas were more in touch with their emotions).

“It’s like, how you smell like Liam. Like, I can smell you in my house when you’re not even around. On my clothes and in my bathroom, in the car, and like - just like how you can smell me? And Jade smells like Niall and, like - pregnant people smell like... earthy? I don’t know how to describe it. It’s really distinct and it’s usually mixed with their mate’s scent, or the father’s scent, so... yeah. I think Jade’s, like, pretty pregnant. You couldn’t smell it? Why do you think Niall glared at every guy who walked past our table?”

“That’s so wild,” Liam said quietly, smiling a little to herself. The more she thought about it, the more it was obvious. Jade was wearing looser fitting clothes. She was always with Niall. She was softer and more mild, couldn’t eat the kinds of things she used to eat. And she did smell a little off, but Liam thought it was a new perfume. “That’s fantastic.”

♥♥♥

“Do you like Zayn?”

Niall and Liam were sitting in the library, working on a maths extra credit assignment. (She was so awful at maths, she hated it.) Niall was erasing a stray mark on their graphing paper, glancing at his phone. He knew that Liam and Zayn knew about Jade’s baby, and his reaction was surprisingly bashful and pleasant. They were trying to keep it under wraps until they found out the sex, because by then she’d be far enough along to be secure in her pregnancy.

“What?” Niall asked, making a small face. “What are you on about?”

“Like, you know, do you like Zayn and me together?” Liam asked, glancing over at Niall. He set down his pencil, punching some numbers into the calculator. “Niall?”

“I’m happy you’re happy, Liam.” He sounded a little irritated, but Liam couldn’t figure out why he looked so upset. “That’s it.”

“What is it?”

“How well do you really know Zayn?” Niall asked, raising his eyebrows. His blue eyes were concerned and a little unimpressed. “Like, how well?”

“Well enough,” Liam said with a small shrug, working through her problem. “I like her a lot. We get on pretty well.”

“Get on?” Niall asked, rolling his eyes at her. “You were just crying the other week one day and all over her the next. That’s not getting on, Liam. That’s unhealthy.”

“Why can’t you be happy for me?”

“I’m happy you’re accepting yourself,” Niall said, sighing. “But I don’t like her, okay? I don’t.” He set down his pencil and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t like how she acts like you’re both mated when you’re not,” he added. “You’re better than this, Liam.”

“I can’t _believe_ you.”

“I can’t believe _you_ ,” Niall countered, shaking his head. “You don’t know Zayn as well as you think you do, Liam. She isn’t the little angel you think she is.”

“I never said she was.”

“She smokes.” Liam shrugged. She didn’t like that Zayn smoked, but she didn’t question it, because Zayn did what she wanted and so did Liam. “She’s bad news, Liam.”

“Why are you doing this?” she asked quietly, gnawing on her bottom lip. “Why are you saying these things?”

“Because you need to hear it. You don’t know her.”

“And you do?” Liam asked, standing up. She packed up her things, eyes smarting with unshed tears. “You don’t know Zayn, Niall. You never even gave her chance. You’re not happy for me because if you were you’d not be saying these things.”

♥♥♥

“It’s alright, pet,” Zayn said quietly, holding Liam on her lap. She kissed her temple and rocked back and forth on Liam’s bed. She rubbed a gentle hand down Liam’s back, shushing her quietly. She couldn’t stop crying, holding onto Zayn tightly. She’d soaked through her shirt with her tears, felt like she couldn’t breathe and like everything was too much. “Liam, it’s okay.”

“It’s _n-not_ okay,” Liam insisted, stammering and trying hard not to hyperventilate. Zayn held her close. They were wrapped in a big old quilt, and it smelled so much like Zayn that it made her want to feel better, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop crying.

“He worries about you because he’s your friend,” Zayn said. “What kind of friend doesn’t worry about their friends sometimes?”

“But you’re so good t-to me and I - I like you so much,” Liam replied, taking halting breaths. “I _k-know_ you,” she murmured, cupping Zayn’s face. “I know how you m-make me feel.”

“I know.” Zayn kissed her, drying her eyes with the corner of the sheets. “I know, sweetheart.”

Liam wrapped her arms around Zayn’s neck, lips slotted against hers shakily.

“I like you s-so much, and I just want them to like you too.” She hung onto her, face nestled against her neck. She sighed, calming down a little when she felt Zayn’s fingers combing through her hair gently. She could'nt shake that little feeling inside that told her something just wasn't  _right_ , but she wasn't sure what exactly it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi you guys! i've planned out (in detail) the next four chapters, and i estimate that we'll have a few extra on top. how do you guys feel? can a girl get some more thoughts? speaking of which, i'm super happy that you all have been so supportive! thanks for the comments, kudos, subscriptions, and everything else xo find me on tumblr to get extras (drabbles and outfits and more oh my) // magicalgyal @ tumblr


	13. bambi on the lawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam sat at the table, fixing the candle with a small smile. She'd bought Zayn flowers, and had them sitting on the opposite side of the table, adjusting them slightly. She had only been early, she told herself, and it was a Friday night so traffic was going to be hectic, anyway. She bit her lip before quickly letting it go, trying not to ruin her makeup. The waitress bought her the glass of water she'd asked for and asked if she was ready to order, but Liam was waiting for Zayn, so she asked her to come back in a little while. Her hands fidgeted underneath the table, tugging at the slip dress. Was it too much? She'd worn it because she thought Zayn would like it, and had been hoping to not need it after a point. She had checked in her coat and scarf so she couldn't cover up if she wanted to. Crossing her legs, she glanced at the door and tried to see if Zayn was coming every so often.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, VERBAL ABUSE, AND UNDERAGE DUBIOUS CONTENT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IN CASE YOU MISSED THE TRIGGER WARNING, RE-READ IT.   
> also, title credit to azealia banks - jfk

Zayn followed Harry around the store, making a face. It smelled so much like preppy boy, sandalwood and opulence and misogyny all wrapped up in glass bottles. Zayn made a face at how expensive everything was - who would pay almost fifty quid for a shirt? Apparently, Harry. Louis' birthday was a good four or five weeks away, but Harry had already planned a huge surprise bash months in advance, like she did every year. The only difference this year would have been that Harry would be taking the credit for it instead of one of Louis' jock friends.

"What do you think? Powder blue, right?" Harry asked, holding up two sweaters that looked almost exactly the same to Zayn, except one was a bit of a softer hue of blue than the other. She nodded and Harry sighed in relief, setting the other sweater down on a table before stuffing it in her bag. "Do you think he's going to like it?"

"If you gave him a burlap sack you rolled around in, he'd love it. He'd probably love anything you give him because it's you," Zayn explained, making a small face. There wasn't anything in the store that she was sure Liam would be remotely interested in, so she wasn't interested in it either. Though, to be fair, for the last week, she'd been more than distracted. Distant - she knew that Liam noticed, which meant, clearly, that Harry would notice too, if Liam hadn't already told her.

Harry's tour of the second floor of the mall didn't end until she had bags on each arm and a big box wrapped in blue gift paper with a yellow bow on it, gold and bright and pretty. She liked it, she guessed, and she'd managed to pick up a few little things for Liam too, a bra and some panties and a pair of pantyhose she'd been looking at a few days ago. She was still distracted, was the thing, couldn't help to be. Not when she knew what she knew.

"Are you hungry, Zayn?" Harry asked, fixing her hair with a small smile. "We can get chips, yeah? My treat."

Zayn murmured a reply in disinterest, holding her own shopping bags and some of Harry's to split the weight. She just couldn't stop thinking about - well. She shouldn't have been thinking about it in the first place and she should have known better. That was the thing. She should have not been thinking about her, should have forgotten and pushed her away, but she couldn't. She was such a large part of Zayn, was the thing, and she wanted, some evenings, when she was tired and alone and Liam wasn't there, she wanted her back.

Zayn sat a table as Harry ordered, glancing at her phone. She saw that familar phone number and contact icon and felt herself grow flush, turning her phone over with the screen against the table top. She felt her foot twitching underneath the table, jumping up and down as the phone stopped vibrating. She wiped her flush cheeks, glancing at Harry in the line. Her curls hung in a ponytail tied with a ribbon, Louis' jersey hanging off her shoulders. Her hands were moving and pointing at the menu, and Zayn laughed, a little, then glanced down at her phone.

_hannie: Call me, skip._

Zayn didn't reply, gulping and willing herself to deep breathe. She needed to relax. She was going to get herself all worked up over nothing if she didn't stop. And she wasn't worth all this time and energy, Zayn reminded herself. She wasn't, so why was she getting so upset? It was over. It had been over for ages. She wasn't the type to get hung up on people, or miss them for so long. It wasn't like her at all, and she hated the fact that she had so much power over her after all this time.

She glanced at Harry when she sat down with a tray of milkshakes and sandwiches and fresh chips. She looked at Zayn with a curious glance, then grabbed her phone before Zayn could stop her.

"Are you fucked in the head?" Harry hissed, narrowing her eyes at Zayn. She reached out for her phone, but Harry kept it out of her reach, making a face at her. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Zayn didn't answer, digging into her chips and looking away from Harry. She'd get her phone when Harry wasn't paying attention. "I'm talking to you, Zayn."

"I know. And I'm not answering because it's none of your damn business," Zayn replied, dipping a straw into her shake to taste it. Not so bad, but it could have been better. She set it down and unwrapped her sandwich, taking a bite.

"It became my business when you got with Liam," Harry replied. She hadn't even touched her food, had pushed the tray away in her disdain. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Five missed calls from 'Hannie' doesn't seem like nothing to me," Harry protested. "Does Liam know?"

"No, and she isn't going to know because it isn't her business either," she hummed, snatching her phone from Harry's phone. "I wouldn't get into it, okay? Just stop."

♥♥♥

Shoshannah was all blonde hair and doe eyes. Zayn met her outside of a local indie show in her old neighborhood. She'd snuck out of her house and snagged her older cousin's ID to get into the bar, but she was going to put it back as soon as she got home, anyway so it wasn't even a big deal. She was smoking a cigarette and asked Zayn what a pretty little thing like her was doing there all alone. Zayn stammered through an answer about not calling her pretty. She wasn't pretty. She was a vicious, seething, angry _woman_ , puffed up and grown.

Shoshannah laughed, and Zayn's cheeks flushed as she looked away. Shoshannah pushed her hair behind her ears and told her to look up. When she told Zayn that she was prettier when she didn't look away, her face burned.

She told Zayn that her cheeks were a pretty shade of pink, too, and then asked her for her phone number.

**_x_ **

"You're thirteen," Shoshannah said. Zayn had her cheek on Shoshannah's pale, thin thigh, naked on the sheets of her bed. Shoshannah had a studio near uni, and it was also near Zayn's school so it wasn't a total stretch for Zayn to spend her afternoons there while Shoshannah did Shoshannah things, like drink too much coffee and smoke and take these white bars that made her mellow and pink pills that made her want to bend Zayn over every flat surface in the flat.

"Mm," Zayn said gently, looking up at Shoshannah. Her soft blonde hair was curling softly around her face sleepily. She kissed at her skin, smiling when she felt a tender hand in her hair. "But I love you," she promised quietly, settled against her leg.

"Silly girl," she laughed, rolling Zayn onto her back to kiss at her. "Silly, silly."

**_x_ **

"What the _fuck_?" Shoshannah hissed. Zayn sniffled, feeling herself shake when her voice rose. Shoshannah's hand slammed against the table, trying to get her attention. "I'm talking to you."

"I said I was sorry," she stammered, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just - "

"You're _sorry_? I'm going to _make_ you sorry," Shoshannah hummed, shaking her head. "Look at me when I'm talking to you." Zayn hiccupped, throat thick. " _Why the fuck_ were you talking to him?"

"He was - I - he said he was your friend," Zayn whimpered, heart thumping harshly in her chest. "I'm sorry, Hannah."

**_x_ **

"What does it feel like?"

Shoshannah swallowed the pill with a sip of water, twisting the cap on the bottle with a sigh. Zayn propped her head up, watching her. Her eyes were half lidded and glossy with something other than her natural happiness, and Zayn was curious about what it was. What was in those pills?

"What does what feel like, princess?" Shoshannah asked, folding Zayn into her lap. Zayn kissed at her soft neck, lapping at her skin slowly.

"When you take those pills?" she replied, lacing their hands together. Shoshannah laughed a little, cupping her cheek to kiss her properly. Zayn wriggles, giggling against her lips. "Hm?"

"It feels like you're floating. Feels nice. Calm."

**_x_ **

"Oh, angel," Shoshannah cooed. Zayn spun around, a little, black straps of her shirt slipping down her shoulders. She fixed her skirt and looked at her, cheeks flush. "Come here, baby. Lemme see how pretty you look." She approached her shyly, still burning. She felt herself grow slick - still an odd feeling - at her touch, gasping a little when she felt her fingertips pressed against the fabric of her cotton panties.

"Do you like it?" Zayn asked, adjusting the straps on her back. She was an angel this year, and Shoshannah was - well, Shoshannah, all black everything, like usual. Her answer was a kiss and a firm pat on her bum that made her jump and laugh, dipping into her touch.

"What's this, cream puff? Hm?" Shoshannah's lips lapped at Zayn's skin, snuggling into her. She pulled her flush, rubbing her through the fabric. "Are you wet?"

"Mm," Zayn nodded, face in Shoshannah's shoulder.

"Say it," she whispered, thumb pressing down.

"I'm wet," Zayn said, barely loud enough to be heard. She gasped, rutting into Shoshannah's hand. "I'm sorry," she whimpered. "Mm."

"Are we going to this party still? Hm? Everyone's going to smell this on you." The thought made Zayn bear down, moving inexperiencedly. "Is that what you want?"

" _Yes_ ," she gasped, sinking down on her fingers once they slipped into her underwear. Just one finger was something that made her cry out because it was too much, but it felt so good. She jumped, bouncing in earnest against her. "Ah! Oh, oh my god, yes, please," she babbled, chasing after her orgasm with cries and pants for more (please).

**_x_ **

"It's going to make you feel really good, baby doll," Shoshannah promised, pressing the heart shaped pill into her hand. "I promise."

"What is it?"

"X," she said, throwing back a shot. The rave was loud and bustling. There was glitter on her cheeks and neck and arm and she had a crown of glow sticks. Zayn was shy, wasn't used to all that commotion, and felt awkward and strange and weird being there.

"You'll stay with me, right?" Zayn asked, and Shoshannah nodded, kissing her softly. She threw it back and chased it with whatever was in the cup in Shoshannah's hand, lapping at it.

**_x_ **

"Don't start this, Zayn."

"I don't like him," she protested, watching her fix her makeup in the mirror. She bit her lip, pulling the jumper around herself. Shoshannah had curled her hair and fixed her makeup, snug black dress hugging the curves that Zayn had come to know and love.

"Did I ask you if you liked him?" Zayn cast her eyes down and didn't say anything else, wrapping her arms around her legs as she propped her head on her knees. "Don't make that face."

"Sorry," she mumbled, smiling a little to cover her discomfort. The bed smelled like this person, whoever he was, and it made her stomach roll and feel tied up in knots. "You look real pretty."

"You think? I don't know," Shoshannah murmured, tugging down the fabric of the dress. "Do you? Are you gonna be home when I get back?"

"Can I?" Shoshannah walked over to the bed, kissing Zayn into docile submission, squeezing her breast teasingly.

"I'll be back later tonight. Don't wait up."

♥♥♥

"You probably shouldn't do this. I'm, like, 99% sure this isn't a good idea." Harry gnawed on her bottom lip as she watched Liam iron her hair. She was in her underwear, a soft beige slip hanging on the back of the chair on her desk. Harry had come over to try to talk her out of this, but it was clearly too late. Liam dug her thumb and index into the waist of her tights, pulling them up a little, glancing back at her.

"Why not? It's a big deal," Liam answered, turning back around. "It isn't every day that people get their work featured in galleries," she added.

She had been so proud of Zayn, so very happy and filled with a brand of joyful pride and glee at the idea that her girlfriend was being talked about by all these local art critics. They said that she was full of potential and that they wanted to see more of her paintings. She was even in the newspaper. Okay, it was the end of it, in a small corner of the art and lifestyle pages but it was still something worth celebrating. Granted, Zayn thought it was just a date. But it wasn't just a date.

Liam had so many things she was going to tell Zayn, and they were going to go to the ice cream parlor, and for a walk, and it was all going to be so romantic. She'd even gotten the restaurant to bake Zayn a special cake and everything - was so enthused and excited by the prospect of the fact that Zayn's art was actually being recognized as something other than teenage doodles that she was willing to go through all this.

Because, Liam reasoned, Zayn was special, and she always did so many things for Liam and it was the least she could do to make her feel special, too. Sometimes she felt like a lot of people really underestimated what she was capable of, and that made Liam sad. Zayn was capable of so much. She was going to be the next Frida Kahlo, or something. Liam just felt it.

"Yeah, but - I just. I dunno, Liam. Maybe we should have girls night? Go the club?"

"The club? Lou's going to let you go clubbing without him?" Liam asked, setting the iron down. She combed her fingers through her hair, shaking it out before combing it into a neat style, parting it down the middle. "Right."

"I don't have to ask Louis for permission to do anything. It's my life," Harry protested, rolling her eyes. Just because Louis was her boyfriend didn't mean she'd lost all sense of freedom and right to be a free entity. That was so stupid. If she wanted to go out with Liam and get drunk off her ass, then she would. That was her right because it was her life and her body, and the idea that Louis would be able to tell her otherwise made her kind of really mad. (She wasn't the 'average' omega, wasn't a cutesy little idiot like everyone made her out to be, just because she was doe-eyed and long limbed and pretty. She had feelings and thoughts and they should have been taken into account too.)

"I know. I'm just saying, how much fun is it really going to be with Louis glaring at everyone who breathes near you?" Liam asked, rubbing some nude lipstick against her lips before wiping it off and going through her makeup kits. "I already made the reservations, H. We can go out tomorrow night, okay?"

"Lou's taking me to a concert tomorrow," Harry sighed, dramatically falling on Liam's bed. She hoped she could convince Liam to stay home, to not put herself through something that was going to hurt her later on.

♥♥♥

"I'm going to kill her," Niall hissed, but Jade held his hand, tugging him back down into his seat. She shushed him, pulling him down in the car. They were supposed to go pick up a changing table from the thrift store - it was brand new, still had tags and labels and was in the original box and everything - but they'd seen Zayn walking into a posh looking bar without Liam. Which would have been fine had it not been for the fact that Niall and Jade had been planning that stupid dinner for Zayn all week with Liam.

"Niall, just calm down," Jade said softly, pulling him back. "It might not be what it looks like," she murmured, though she had a sick feeling just looking at Zayn going into that place. Niall almost called Liam, but Jade stopped him, shaking her head. "It isn't our relationship, yeah? I think this is something they need to work out."

♥♥♥

Liam sat at the table, fixing the candle with a small smile. She'd bought Zayn flowers, and had them sitting on the opposite side of the table, adjusting them slightly. She had only been early, she told herself, and it was a Friday night so traffic was going to be hectic, anyway. She bit her lip before quickly letting it go, trying not to ruin her makeup. The waitress bought her the glass of water she'd asked for and asked if she was ready to order, but Liam was waiting for Zayn, so she asked her to come back in a little while.

Her hands fidgeted underneath the table, tugging at the slip dress. Was it too much? She'd worn it because she thought Zayn would like it, and had been hoping to not need it after a point. She had checked in her coat and scarf so she couldn't cover up if she wanted to. Crossing her legs, she glanced at the door and tried to see if Zayn was coming every so often.

She hadn't gotten there, yet, but she was on her way, so Liam wasn't worried. She'd told her about this all week, and Zayn hadn't said she wasn't coming, which meant she was. Because she wouldn't do this to Liam, was the thing. She was just a little late. That was it.

♥♥♥

Zayn brushed the lint off her dress, eyeing herself in the mirror. She eyed her reflection, fixing her dark hair with shaking fingers. It was one drink. Just one drink. And then she was going to go to dinner with Liam and pretend this didn't happen, and it was going to be fine. Shoshannah was going to be totally fucked up from all the drugs and alcohol and everything else and she wasn't going to be the docile goddess that Zayn had made her out to be in her youth. Things had changed, everything had changed.

Zayn was happy, wasn't she?

She reapplied a quick coat of dark lipstick, then some mascara, then tucked everything into her clutch before swallowing a breath mint. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and walked out of the washroom confidently, music much louder with dimmed lights, flashing strobe lights throwing her for a quick loop. There were a lot of people there, dancing and drinking and yelling, but Shoshannah would always stick out in a crowded room for Zayn.

Shoshannah was in a booth, sipping a bottle of water as she watched the events around her. Zayn felt her hands grow sweaty, wiping them against her thighs as she walked towards the table. Shoshannah stood and hugged her, kissing both her cheeks softly. She hugged her back, all those warm feelings rushing back at her and making her feel heady and warm.

Her face flushed as Shoshannah spun her, casting her eyes down shyly. (After all this time, Shoshannah still made her feel like she was small and a teenage girl, not grown and independent. She was a beta who knew better, damn it, who knew better than to fool around with a little girl and make her so confused but clearly that didn't matter.)

♥♥♥

"Are you sure you don't want another bread stick basket?" the waitress asked, smiling at Liam with something akin to pity.

"I'm alright, thank you," Liam murmured politely, chewing on one of them. She texted Zayn, but got no reply. She wanted to call, but didn't want to seem clingy. Was she busy? Was she avoiding Liam? Did she not want to see Liam? Maybe she wasn't ready to be with Liam... but that wouldn't make any sense, would it? They were always together.

Was she okay? What if she got into an accident? It would all be Liam's fault if she was hurt trying to rush to see her. She sighed and glanced at the doors. The restaurant was full of couples enjoying a nice evening out, and she wished that could be her and Zayn. Where was she?

♥♥♥

"You look beautiful," Shoshannah said as Zayn sipped her wine, swallowing the sweetness down as she watched her. Shoshannah was sober, for starters, looked so much better than she had when they had actually been a thing. Her eyes were brighter and the dark bags under her eyes had given way to soft skin that matched her tone. Her blonde hair was wispy, dark roots in again, but fashionably. Her lips were still black, crushed velvet dress and matching chunky heels.

Zayn wanted to scream, throw her wine in her face and slap her and tear her hair out. But she didn't, just stared at her and felt the tears welling in her eyes. She took another sip, licking her lips.

"Thank you." (She'd instilled in Zayn manners, saying please and thank you.) "You're looking good too, Hannie," she added, cheeks pink.

"Thank you, darling. How have you been? What have you been doing?"

Zayn talked about her art. She talked about school, talked about her parents and how they might have been getting a divorce but might not have been totally sure about it. She told her about her friends at school, Louis and Niall and Jade and Harry, mentioned Liam in passing, but didn't realize that she hadn't mentioned Liam in the proper context until she finished.

Shoshannah didn't call her stupid, or tell her to shut up, or interrupt once.

"Have you met someone?" she asked, sipping her water some more. She propped her head up on a fist, looking at Zayn with a small smile.

"Are you still with him?" Zayn asked quietly, making a small face. (He ruined her life and she'd never even met him properly.)

"He overdosed and went to rehab last summer," Shoshannah said simply, shrugging as she turned her attention back to Zayn. "We broke up the summer before that." (A year. They were together for a year or two. That was it. Shoshannah left her for a guy who wasn't worth the sweat on Shoshannah's cheeks.)

"Oh."

"So?"

"No," Zayn said quietly.

 _No_. What Liam didn't know wouldn't hurt, and it wasn't like she wasn't going to have sex or hook up with her. They were just going to reacquaint themselves, and Zayn was going to get the closure she never got, then be a good girlfriend to Liam. So, really, she was doing this for Liam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of updates! i had a busy week, but the rest of story is mapped out and pretty much outlined. feedback would be nice c: also, updates will be slow because i entered a fic exchange and have to work on that a little. thank you for the comment, feedback, subscriptions, and kudos!!! xo // find me on tumblr!!! magicalgyal @ tumblr


	14. she's so pretty, forget self pity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her hair was black and stringy and she just didn’t look right, was the thing. Her eyes were big and glassy and she was just off. Something about her was muted and wrong and it made Liam’s stomach twist. Maybe something bad happened the evening before, she thought as she gnawed on her bottom lip. She adjusted the purse on her shoulder, reaching up for a kiss. But Zayn moved, slightly, and she kissed the corner of her lips, instead. She held her hand, loosely. She was just so distant, was the thing, and Liam couldn’t help feeling like Zayn’s sudden shift in attitude was her fault.
> 
> title credit: her - tyler, the creator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of updates lately. here it is!

Liam didn't tell Zayn that she'd spent the night waiting for her at the restaurant. And she didn't tell her about how she cried the whole bus ride home. She didn't tell her about the mortification and shame she felt, sitting in a restaurant full of couples who were happy and in love. Zayn didn't need to know about how many times Liam told the waitress to just wait, or how it felt to carry a huge cake home, or how she cried when the cake fell on the sidewalk. 

She didn't tell Zayn any of that. She didn't need to know that, anyway. What was she going to do to change it? It was in the past.

Zayn wanted to go out for lunch, so she did, of course. Liam would do anything Zayn would ask her to do, pathetically. She had spent the night rationalizing why Zayn couldn't make it. She had an art thing, maybe. Or maybe her dad surprised them and came home a week early. Maybe Zayn got caught up hanging out with her friends, or... something. Because Zayn wouldn't just stand Liam up for no reason, and Liam knew that. Because they were just having a weird time, and every couple had weird times. They'd get through this, whatever it was.

Her hair was black and stringy and she just didn't look right, was the thing. Her eyes were big and glassy and she was just off. Something about her was muted and wrong and it made Liam's stomach twist. Maybe something bad happened the evening before, she thought as she gnawed on her bottom lip. She adjusted the purse on her shoulder, reaching up for a kiss. But Zayn moved, slightly, and she kissed the corner of her lips, instead.

She held her hand, loosely. She was just so distant, was the thing, and Liam couldn't help feeling like Zayn's sudden shift in attitude was her fault. Zayn was quiet, made Liam feel like she had done something. Was the dinner thing too much? Had Liam pushed too far? Had she moved too fast?

"I'm sorry about last night." That was the only semblance of an apology Zayn offered at all about the evening before. She picked at the salad before her, sunglasses still on her face. She was quiet, scarily so. Liam stirred her soup with anxious hands and looked at Zayn, watched her put her cigarette out in a fake potted plant near their table.

"It's okay," Liam said tightly, forcing herself to smile as she spooned some soup into her mouth. "It was just something I threw together quickly, anyway." She extended a hand towards Zayn, holding their hands over the table. Zayn's hand slipped away from Liam's. She bit her lip and tried not to cry, casting her eyes down into the bowl. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine, Liam." Zayn's hands ran through her hair as she glanced at Liam, then made a small face. "What?"

"Nothing," Liam said quietly, biting her lip. She wasn't sure why Zayn was snapping on her all of a sudden, but she couldn't help but to feel like something she did - though she didn't know what she did. Was she trying too hard? Was she being clingy? Did Zayn want her to back off?

They spent their lunch in silence, which only made Liam feel worse about the situation. She didn't want to look at Zayn constantly, but couldn't help herself from doing so. Was there something she'd missed? Was Zayn doing okay? Maybe there was something weird going on at home, but it was just that - well, Liam would have noticed. She was there as much as she was at her own home, and even though she hadn't actually met her dad, she knew her well enough.

Or did she?

♥♥♥

"I can't  _believe_ you."

Louis was driving Harry home, hand on her thigh. She was petulant, crossing her arms over her chest as she shook her head. Louis was being so  _stupid_ , and sexist, and she couldn't even believe he was saying what he was saying. She shoved his hand off her leg, looking at him with disdain. She could feel his blue eyes on her face, the scowl on his pink lips and she didn't even care. Normally, she'd try to maybe placate him or shelter him from how she felt, but she couldn't, was so upset and disgusted with how he was acting.

"Harry, I don't really see what there is to get so upset about," Louis replied, glancing at her. She rolled her eyes, staring out the window. "Are we in Liam and Zayn's relationship?"

"You're - seriously, Lou?" Harry asked, rolling her eyes. She couldn't believe him. How could he say something like that? Would he do that to her, too? She had expect this from him, of course. How couldn't she? They were both alphas, and of course they'd take each other's sides in the matter. But it wasn't fair and Zayn was lying to Liam, and Liam had no idea. How was that okay? "You're so full of it."

"Stay in your lane," Louis said simply, shaking his head at her. "Seriously, Harry. Just leave it."

"Stay in my lane? No, Lou. Stay in  _your_ fucking lane. You and your cheap-ass lotion and a fucking sock, too," she hissed, shaking her head. "Pull over."

"Harry, you - "

"Pull the car over," Harry insisted, grabbing her things. She buttoned her cape, fixing the fleece collar with a small huff. She was so upset, and angry, and just mad, and she didn't care that she was a good twenty minutes away - by train - from her home. She didn't want to be with Louis right then, didn't want to do something that she would later regret. "I'm serious."

"You're going to walk home in this cold?" Louis asked, concerned as he looked at her. Did he think that Harry was slightly over reacting? Yes. Did he know Zayn a lot better than Harry thought she did? Yes. And he didn't see why she was getting so overly concerned with Zayn acting a little strange with Liam. He knew that she was going through something that she didn't really get, and even though she didn't want to talk about it, Louis thought that with some time to herself she'd be fine. She would back to her ordinary self, ambivalent and vague and carefully aloof.

"Are you still going to tell me that Zayn being an asshole isn't my business?" She raised an eyebrow and let out a tiny huff. "Pull the car over."

"Harry. It isn't as big a deal as you think - "

"Louis, please." Harry was silent while Louis pulled off onto the side of the road,  sighing as she pulled her hood on her head. Louis' shoulders fell as he watched her, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. He didn't realize that Harry would take it so to heart, and he wished she didn't, but what was he going to do? Keep her in the car? Yell at her? Tell her to stop? He probably would have, but she was Harry, and Louis was, even if he wouldn't admit it, wrapped around her little slender pinky. "Call me when you stop acting like an chav, yeah?" She kissed his cheek, and opened the door before stepping out. Louis watched her walk towards the tunnel entrance, little pink hood disappearing in the mass of people rushing home.

♥♥♥

Liam had, upon analyzing their relationship, finally narrowed down the problem. Zayn wasn't satisfied. That was exactly what the problem was. Maybe Zayn was used to a lot more sex, much more adventurous sex, than what Liam was giving her. She wasn't enough, which was kind of understandable because Liam really was shy and quiet and kept a lot to herself, and she knew that maybe Zayn was used to better sex, better girls, better, period. So, when Grace picked her up from practice a few days after her awkward lunch with Zayn, she decided to put her plan in motion.

It was very simple. She'd surprise Zayn at home, candles and roses and music and dinner without a stitch on. It was foolproof. She had a spare key for Zayn's, and Zayn had the spare to hers, so it wasn't weird. Not really. And her mum was working late, or so it seemed since her car wasn't home, and her sisters weren't home, either. Liam wasn't totally sure what they were up to, but that wasn't a major concern for her at the time. She got to work, unloading her paper bags in the kitchen. It took her maybe forty minutes to get a nice looking trail of roses up to Zayn's room, and to set up her little tea candles and make Zayn her favorite curry chicken (she'd printed a few different recipes to come up with a general idea so she hoped that Zayn would like it). Then she dressed herself, a robe and a nice set she'd bought at a shop she could barely pronounce.

It was going to be fine. It was all going to be fine.

Why was she trying to convince herself of that so much? It was fine. They were fine. They were in a weird place, was all. They'd be fine, Liam reasoned as she brushed her honey brown curls into a ponytail in Zayn's room. She rubbed her lips together, wiping the stray red mark. She missed Zayn horribly, and this was another effort to reach out to her. Liam fixed her makeup, glitter and powders and soft lotions. She tried to stop shaking, fingers trembling as she thought about things nervously. Would Zayn like it? Was she doing too much? What did Zayn want? Liam wanted answers. And even if Zayn didn't ever want to see Liam again, it would be better than feeling like there was a huge ocean of space between them. When had that rift formed?

She knew that Zayn was unhappy, could see it in her eyes and face and in how she expressed herself. Liam wasn't an idiot, and she knew, just from watching her and listening to her, that something just wasn't right. And she assumed, as she always did, that whatever was wrong with Zayn and their relationship had something to do with Liam, of course. She wasn't doing something right, and she knew that. Whatever it was, Liam was going to get to the bottom of it, and they were going to fix things. They had to. Liam was convinced that she didn't want anyone else, and she knew that no one would ever be able to make her as happy and fulfilled as Zayn. Was she being obsessive?

♥♥♥

"Thank you for meeting me," Shoshannah said, kissing Zayn's cheeks gently. Her cheeks were flush and hot as she sat down, pushing her chair in. It was a nice little place, bistro of some sort that smelled like baked goods. She sat her clutch on the table, glancing at Shoshannah with a small smile. She knew that she had to make it short because Liam was probably going to want to do something later - they had barely spoken all day, mostly because she was busy running around school and Zayn was having a bit of a breakdown about Shoshannah and their psuedo-relationship. She knew that they weren't a thing, because she was very much attached to Liam, and she did care about her.

There was just a lot of unfinished business between them, and she knew that if she told Liam, she just wouldn't get it. She knew that Liam would think that she was cheating on her, or unsatisfied, or something equally as histrionic and emotional and over dramatic. She didn't want to  _want_ Shoshannah anymore, she wanted to be over it, wanted to know why she did what she did. In a way, it was to help her relationship with Liam, because she couldn't be with her fully while her heart was with someone else. Not that Shoshannah really had any real part of Zayn anymore, but it was enough to make Zayn pause and wonder what exactly she was doing with Liam.

"Do you have anywhere to be tonight? I got an extra ticket to this really cool spoken word thing," Shoshannah said, sipping her coffee a little. "We should go."

"I - um. Okay. Yeah," Zayn nodded, eyeing the small paper menu in front of her. Liam probably didn't have anything planned, right? She'd be tired from cheer, and school, and  _Liam things_. And it wouldn't be a totally huge deal if Zayn found a plausible explanation, right? She nodded a little to herself. It was poetry. Poetry was inherently inoffensive and not anything serious. Because Liam and Zayn hadn't even been doing anything like that, and they'd been dating since the late summer and it was already the beginning of December. "We can do that."

"I'll have you home on time, don 't worry." The laugh that left Shoshannah's lips had no right to make Zayn feel so on edge, but it did regardless. She tried not to feel guilty, but - well. She kind of did, and she didn't want to.

♥♥♥

"I just - don't you think Zayn knows what she's doing?" Jade asked, twirling her noodles around her chopsticks. Niall glanced at her, making a small face. He thought that the subject was over and done with, but he guessed that it wasn't. As far as Niall knew, Zayn was cheating on Liam, and Liam needed to find someone who would treat her right. Would Liam believe him? Given her strong reaction to Niall telling her that he didn't really care for Zayn, he guessed that she probably wouldn't take all too well to the news. And he thought that Jade felt the same, mostly because she didn't say anything, and let him assume so. But clearly, given the events of the past week, he really didn't know anyone as well as he thought he did.

Harry and Louis were on a hiatus, which was a dramatic way of saying their three week old relationship had splintered and fizzled out. He wasn't exactly sure what had happened, but he couldn't help but to feel like it was Zayn's fault. It wasn't that Niall didn't appreciate Zayn as a human being, because he did. He had to - something about the girl made Liam happier than Niall ever knew she could be. She did her best, and even if her best wasn't perfect, it was enough and Zayn was damn lucky to have landed a girl like Liam. She wasn't even that pretty, not to mention that she got stoned with Louis all the time and pawned Liam off on Jade. Not that Niall minded hanging out with Liam and Jade, but Jade was pregnant and all Niall wanted to do when they were together was hold her close, not convince Liam that her relationship wasn't as bad as she thought it was.

"What?" Niall questioned, unsure as he raised an eyebrow. "What she's doing with what?"

"That girl," Jade hummed, dabbing at her lips. "I mean, she wouldn't - I don't really think she means poorly, with Liam and all. She's... I don't know. I think she's troubled."

"She's going to be in trouble if she keeps it up," he grumbled.

Liam was his best friend, and he was always going to be on her side, regardless. She had always been his best friend, and they were still very close. Not as close as before, especially with Jade and their baby, but still. She was naive, was the thing, gullible and desperate for love and affection and attention. And Niall knew that, and he loved her regardless, loved her with a strong, fierce love because she was Liam and she needed that. But she didn't need someone who would take advantage of her, like Zayn. It wasn't that no one would be good enough for Liam, but not someone like Zayn. She was lying, and Liam was miserable.

Liam wasn't eating. She didn't look like she was getting enough sleep, and she wasn't going to practice as much as she used to, and her homework was always late. Zayn wasn't taking care of her the way she should have been, was the thing, and Niall was growing sick of it. Liam probably, like, loved Zayn, and Zayn probably thought she was a little game to pass the time.

"Niall, really. She isn't that bad."

"Did you not see what I saw the other night, Jade? She's cheating on Liam," Niall tutted. "We probably need to like, intervention her or something. She's addicted to her. It's unhealthy."

"It's the honeymoon phase, Ni. Don't you remember when we were like that?" Jade asked, climbing into Niall's lap. She settled there, face in his neck. She kissed at his skin, which made him calm down slightly, but not really. He was still just upset about it all. Something wasn't right with Zayn and Liam, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it. "Hm? We couldn't get enough of each other. Still can't, yeah?"

♥♥♥

Shoshannah was six years older than Zayn. Zayn loved it. She loved the age gap, oddly enough, which was weird - secretly. She didn't have to be tough with Hannie, was the thing. She could be soft and yielding and could feel like she wasn't in charge for a minute or two which was honestly really nice, given everything that Zayn had going on in her life. She glanced at their fingers, cheeks burning. Was this closure? How the hell was this closure? She needed to go home. Liam was probably home, and Zayn knew that Liam knew something wasn't well with them.

They took a seat in the middle, between a few other people. She just - Zayn felt both comfortable and increasingly apprehensive. She wanted to go home, wanted to go find Liam and tell her that she was sorry for everything. She wanted to tell her about Shoshannah, wanted to tell her that she wanted to be over her but wasn't, but she couldn't. She couldn't tell Liam how Shoshannah held her hand and made her feel like she was a little kid again, or how things felt like they hadn't changed at all. It was awful.

She wanted to text Liam, and it wasn't like Shoshannah would stop her, but she refrained, biting her bottom lip with a small sigh. Her hands felt clammy, tremulous and she had to force herself to sit there. This was one step closer to her progress, right? She wanted closure from Shoshannah, and after she got that she'd cut her out of her life, for good.

Except, hadn't she cut Shoshannah out for good last time? She had. She forced herself not to answer the phone when Shohannah called, didn't answer her messages, deleted all the old voice mails and - damn it. She had been doing so well. She thought she was alright. She met a new person, someone she really cared about, and things were going so well. Everything was awesome. Liam was amazing and Zayn liked her more than she probably ever liked anyone, more than Shoshannah  and it was so beautiful. And then Shoshannah waltzed back into her life, like she hadn't ever hurt Zayn or made her feel unworthy of anyone's affection. It was too much to take, and it made her feel on edge, overwhelmed.

♥♥♥

"I'm really happy I got to see you," Shoshannah said, walking Zayn to her car. She didn't know what to do. Did she tell Shoshannah to go away? This hadn't brought her any closer to closure. If anything, it had made her feel more confused. She didn't get anything out of their little not-date other than her renewed misunderstanding of spoken word and that she was probably the world's shittiest girlfriend. She leaned against the door of her car, gnawing on her bottom lip.

"I'm happy too," she murmured, taking a deep breath. "I don't - um. I feel like - I have to - " While Zayn was fumbling with her words, she hadn't noticed that Shoshannah had been leaning in, ready for a kiss. "Hannie, I just - "

"I've missed you."

"No," she insisted, turning her face away. "I really - I liked going out tonight, and I missed hanging out with you, but - look. I just..." She rubbed the back of her neck, feeling ill at ease. "This isn't what I want."

Shoshannah kissed her cheek instead, patting it softly. Zayn felt like she was being suffocated, gnawing on her bottom lip harshly. She smiled at Zayn, holding her hand.

"It's alright, angel. I'll see you later, okay?"

"But - "

Shoshannah had turned around and was walking down the street to her own car, hips swaying in a way that made Zayn feel guiltier than she ever knew she could.

♥♥♥

Zayn walked into an empty home. Which, at first, was really very strange and odd because she thought that someone would at least be home. She kicked off her shoes and flipped on the light in the parlor. Why were there roses on the floor? Had she caught her parents in the middle of something? She cringed, hanging up her coat in the closet. What had been going on? She padded through the house quietly. The candles were melted in their little glass bowls, wax long dried in the water. She lifted the covers on the plates, heart melting a little. There was chicken curry, which made her both smile and pause a little - who was here? The rose trail kept going up the stairs, which made her really, really curious and kind of concerned. Was her mum up waiting for her dad or something?

She walked up the stairs carefully, trying to be quiet. She gulped, a little nervous. She was out really late. Was Liam even awake? Would she answer if Zayn called? She walked into her room, quiet. She flipped the switch on, and almost jumped.

Liam was stretched out over Zayn's bed, legs hanging off the edge. Her curls were a brown halo around her face, pink lips in a sleepy pout. Her robe was sheer, flowers embroidered into it. The get up was even a little much for Liam, which made Zayn wonder exactly what she had planned for the evening. She was small and slender and Zayn felt like her chest was tight and like she couldn't breathe.

She sat on the edge of the bed, watching Liam shift and roll onto her back, rubbing her face into the pillow sleepily. Zayn grasped her ankle, tugging gently. Liam picked her head up slowly and turned around, a small smile on her face as she looked at Zayn. Her eyes were half lidded, makeup a little smudged but not very much so.

"Hi, Zaynie," she cooed softly, yawning a little. "Sorry I fell asleep." Zayn's shoulders slumped as Liam sat up, shaking out her hair. She rubbed her eyes and yawned again, crawling towards Zayn. She climbed into her lap, face in her neck as she held her close. Zayn sat still as could be, face burning as Liam kissed at her and snuggled closer. "I missed you. I was going to surprise you with dinner and stuff." Liam opened her mouth to say something else, but stopped short, sitting up and looking at Zayn. "Where were you?"

"I went out to eat with a friend," Zayn said, trying to be inconspicuous. "It ran late."

Liam looked like she didn't really believe Zayn, but didn't question it, looking down at her lap instead. And Zayn knew then, that whatever was going to happen between all of them was going to get messy and horrible and she felt like she couldn't stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the unending support and love you guys have shown both me and this story! we're a good four chapters from the end. stay tuned! find me on tumblr! magicalgyal @ tumblr


	15. your love's got me looking so crazy right now (or, what you gon' do when I appear?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who are you?" Liam hissed, glaring at the blonde girl. She was devastatingly beautiful, with her wiry limbs and so free and flippant. She looked at Liam curiously, like she had no business being there at all even though Liam was sure it was the other way around. How did she find herself here? Was she making a scene? It was Christmas, damn it. And it was Louis' birthday. At a party in front of all of their friends wasn't the place she wanted to do this, but Liam had no other choice. "Who the fuck are you?" 
> 
> tw for underage drinking and strong language
> 
> title credit: crazy in love (remix) - beyonce, 212 - azealia banks

See, the thing with Liam was that she had expected something like this to happen for a long time. Liam was, to a fault, both a realist and a fatalist. On one hand, she always saw the good in others, sought out the redeeming quality and silver lining in every sticky situation. The end would come, and Liam knew that. The end of everything she knew would come eventually, regardless of her willingness or lack there of to face it or accept it as a real and valid threat to her happiness. She knew that one day, Grace would leave her father behind, or vice versa because of life getting in the way, that at some point,  _JadeandNiall_ would merely be Jade or Niall if life did what it usually did and split them up because of time and circumstance. Harry and Louis had already split up. What was next? Reasonably, Zayn and her.

But the thing was that Liam wanted them to be perfect and eternal, like the rising sun, the waves that kissed the shore - Liam wanted them to be permanent, as sure as the air they breathed and the love she felt. Could it have been that her feelings for Zayn had been one sided this whole time? Could it have been that, perhaps, Liam misread all her cues? Could Liam have been wrong? For so long?

_"Who are you?" Liam hissed, glaring at the blonde girl. She was devastatingly beautiful, with her wiry limbs and so free and flippant. She looked at Liam curiously, like she had no business being there at all even though Liam was sure it was the other way around. How did she find herself here? Was she making a scene? It was Christmas, damn it. And it was Louis' birthday. At a party in front of all of their friends wasn't the place she wanted to do this, but Liam had no other choice. "Who the fuck are you?"_

♥♥♥

To explain Liam's fury - righteous burning rage - it would behoove us all to go back to the beginning of December and see all that had been going on before that fateful night at the party. 

Liam had been trying to pin down exactly what had distracted Zayn without success. It couldn't have been sex because they slept together a lot and she was always looking for ways to spice it up. But that couldn't have been it - Zayn was still distant and aloof even after Liam did that thing she saw in Cosmo. They barely even cuddled after, which was really odd because Zayn loved to cuddle. And it wasn't even like Liam was clingy, or needy, or trying to suffocate her with affection. She was giving Zayn her space and trying not to crowd her, but Zayn still snapped all the and made Liam feel like it was her fault.

And Liam didn't know what to do with herself, felt like she was completely at fault for all that happened, and found herself, in a fit of desperation, crying in the washrooms at school. She shook, sniffling as she struggled to breathe. The argument of the day centered itself around, of all things, Liam asking Zayn if she could see her phone. It was a reasonable request - maybe it would shed light on what had her feeling like Liam was a hobby instead of her girlfriend - but Zayn freaked out, told her to stop acting like she didn't trust her, and huffed off, leaving Liam standing in the middle of the hallway looking like an idiot.

She'd kept it pretty well together during her first two classes, but she had to leave during her third one. She just felt so sad, and tired, and Zayn was so off. She felt like they were out of sync and she didn't know why, but they were and it was too much to bear. She locked herself in the stall, tears rolling down her cheeks in fat, heavy trails, smudging her makeup and making her probably look like a right mess.

Liam's chest felt like it was caving in, heavy and tense and tight as she struggled to breathe through her tears. She panted and gasped and hiccuped, sinking against the plastic pink wall as she tried to stay upright. She was very, very tired, and sad, and since cheer was officially over, she had nothing to distract her and keep her thoughts off Zayn. Which meant, in turn, that she spent quite a lot of time thinking about their relationship and what she was doing wrong, and ways to keep Zayn from leaving her for good.

Zayn was going to break up with Liam, and Liam was going to be alone, and Liam had grown so used to Zayn and what they used to have and it scared her to think that she wouldn't have that anymore because of her own selfishness. Did she want Zayn too much? Was she clingy? Liam was about to blow her nose into a wad of scratchy toilet paper she'd wrapped around a clammy hand, but stopped short.

She knew those boots, she thought as she stared at the worn pair of boots that were pacing outside the stall. Liam sat on the toilet, drawing her knees to her chest as she pressed her face into her jeans. Could this be it? Maybe Liam would finally figure it out.

"No, damn it, I'm at  _school_ ," Zayn hissed. Liam strained her ears, hiccuping ever so slightly into the fabric of her sweater. (She wasn't even wearing Zayn's clothes anymore. Things were getting worse, and worse, and worse.) "Don't you pull this shit on me now.  _Don't_. I'm not - no. I don't - it was  _one_ fucking night, okay? It shouldn't have happened."

 _It shouldn't have happened?_  What shouldn't have happened? Her breathing grew quick, tears leaking from her eyes again as she suspected the worst. Zayn slept with someone else. She had sex with someone else? When? Why? And why wouldn't she tell Liam what she was doing? Why didn't she just break up with her? Why was Zayn stringing her along?

"No, I can't. I have fucking plans. My life doesn't revolve around you, and you can't just - you wouldn't. Don't - don't - I - yeah. I - yeah, okay," Zayn mumbled.

♥♥♥

Liam wasn't nosy, was the thing. If someone told her to mind her own business, even if she was curious, that was what she did. She didn't see the need to pry into someone's personal life. Some things were kept secret for a reason, and Liam had from an early age accepted that not every secret was meant to be shared. But there was something about the secret that Zayn was keeping that Liam  _needed_ to know about. Liam really did adore and love Zayn, not that she ever got the chance to tell her because Zayn was always blowing her off and making her feel less than important, and she felt like she wouldn't be able to move forward until she knew what it was.

It was a rare Wednesday afternoon, rare because they were both free and had no reason to not spend time together. Zayn told Liam that she was planning on cutting class. Liam had the option of suffering through the abstinence assembly or going home with Zay. Of course, Liam chose to go with Zayn. The sky was clouded over, heavy with dark grey masses that sprinkled large, fluffy snowflakes over them. Zayn was actually kind of happy for once, which Liam jumped on - she wasn't happy anymore, and Liam saw that, so seeing her in a good mood was something she wanted to try to capitalize on. Liam rarely saw her smile as of late. She even held Liam's hand, fingers interlaced over the center console as they drove. Liam felt like things were going back to normal, and she could have cried, she was so happy.

Instead, she squeezed and leaned over to kiss Zayn's cheek, who, in turn, kissed her at a red traffic light.

In Zayn's room, they actually made love, which felt a lot more personal than the quiet hookups in the middle of the night that Liam had grown used to, rushed and silent. They took their time and touched and kissed and when Liam came she actually cried, thighs pressed against Zayn's cheeks. She snuggled into Zayn's naked body, legs wobbly and uneasy. Zayn combed her fingers through Liam's hair, breaths even and measured as Liam wrapped a leg around her waist.

"I missed you, baby," Zayn said quietly, and Liam smiled, glancing up at her. She pressed her lips against Zayn's, rubbing their noses together.

They laid like that quietly, watching the snow fall outside. The room was quiet, and Liam was rather happy to have that time together. And the thing is, Liam probably would have fallen asleep had it not been for the vibrating phone in Zayn's jacket. Her jacket was on the floor, abandoned in the tangle of their clothes and bags from school.

Zayn snored lightly, face turned to the side. Her mouth hung open, lipstick long smudged red over her one cheek. Her black makeup was smudged as well, now circles around her closed eyes. Her dark hair even grazed her face, slightly, soft strands caressing her skin. She let out a soft breath, turning away from Liam. Liam scrambled out of bed quickly, kneeling on the floor. She grabbed Zayn's phone, glancing back at her quickly to make sure she wasn't awake.

The missed call notification said:  _S ♥_

Who was  _S_? Liam quickly went to unlock Zayn's phone, going to her contacts to find the number. Who was she? And why did she or he have a heart next to their initial? After a little bit of digging, she noted that this was the same person that Zayn was talking to earlier, mostly because it was the only call during that time frame. She quickly jotted the number down before putting the phone back how she found it. She tucked the small note into her own purse, hands shaky. She couldn't believe she'd gone behind Zayn's back, but she didn't feel as bad about it as she suspected she would have. She needed answers, and maybe this person could give them to her.

♥♥♥

"Have you noticed anything strange going on with Zayn?" Liam asked Harry. Harry would know if it was all just in Liam's head or not. She spent so much time watching other people and carefully cataloging what they said and their tone, analyzing and thinking - and surely, she'd done that to Zayn and noticed what Liam had noticed too. Right? They were in history class, working on a project together. She had, despite the breakup (" _hiatus_ "), been doing quite well. Liam didn't know how she did it. She would probably be a wreck if she broke up with Zayn, sobbing and miserable for days. But Harry had been taking it all in stride, not a hair out of place, makeup impeccable, outfits on point. She glanced at Liam then, curious and concerned.

"Strange how?" Harry countered, picking up her pencil again. Something was shifty in her reaction to that question, which only made Liam suspect the worst. Did Harry know something Liam didn't? If so, what? Why was she keeping it from Liam, who needed to know? "I think she's just been... well. Definitely not herself, but, um - she's been - well, Zayn. Maybe she's coming up on a rut?"

Zayn's rut came once a year, in either July or August. It was December, so Liam knew that couldn't be it. She squinted at Harry, paging through the book with disinterest. She was lying. But about what, exactly? And why would she lie to Liam? They were kind of friends, now, and Liam thought that said kind-of friendship would have afforded her knowing the truth. Apparently not. She looked away from Harry, highlighting a random paragraph.

"Liam, I can't - it's not my place to tell you if anything is or isn't because I'm not Zayn, but I care about you, so - I mean... if she  _happens_ to make plans to go to a star gazing party in front of me with someone who I know for a fact isn't you, and I  _happen_ to just pass that information along to you," Harry says, scribbling something down on a small piece of paper before passing it to Liam, "and you just so  _happen_ to discreetly pop up to see what's happening... well, it is what it is then, isn't it? It's not my problem. You just like the stars, and you just happened to show up. A nice coincidence."

She winked at Liam, but the wink left her sad and uneasy and weird feeling, like something was very wrong.

♥♥♥

"Niall,  _stop_ ," Liam hissed, making a face at him. She pulled her honey brown hair into a black hat, shades on her face. They were on a fancy, luxury building loft, telescopes and drugs scattered about. Apparently, the concept was to get high on acid and go star gazing. It was supposed to open their minds and help them think or see or whatever. The point was that it was stupid, but she didn't feel comfortable going alone, so she dragged Niall along.

Niall agreed to go, of course. His only real motivation was his avid dislike of Zayn. He wanted to prove a point - that Zayn wanted nothing more than to hurt her, that Zayn didn't care about her, that Zayn was just using her. And that only made Liam want to be wrong, so terribly wrong, wanted to prove to Niall that he didn't know Zayn, didn't know her smile or how she used to come over and surprise her with flowers and chocolates and how she took care of Liam like no one else had.

Niall and Liam ended up matching on accident. She told him to dress discreetly. They both ended up in black jeans and black turtlenecks. He smiled, laughing, and all Liam could do was muster a small flat smile. She had sunglasses on, large around round to hide her face. They were waiting for Zayn to show up, and Niall was, to put it lightly, out for blood. He glared at anyone who so much as looked their way, irate and unimpressed. Liam hung back in an inconspicuous corner behind a few potted plants, peering between the leaves. Her heart threatened to beat right out of her chest, hard and thudding against her ribs as she took quiet, deep breaths.

And she heard it, of course.

Liam would be able to pick out Zayn's voice in any room, anywhere, regardless of who was there or who wasn't. She didn't care. She knew her, her laughter and her scent and her being. It was like being mated, but they weren't. Was that why she did what she did? Because Liam at least wanted to finish school before settling down for good?

Zayn was laughing in a group of people. Who was  _S_? She watched face growing flush with anxiety and apprehension. What if this S person was devastatingly handsome or beautiful? What if Liam couldn't even hold a candle to them, whoever they were? She felt sick, stomach in knots as she waited. Whoever snuck off with Zayn would be it, obviously. Was she even there? Or he?

Except, the group eventually dispersed and Zayn stood at a telescope alone, peering through it. Liam frowned, tugging at Niall's sleeve before he ran off and made a scene. She felt embarrassed. She'd made such a huge scene in the car about Zayn cheating and about her infidelity, and all she was doing was... hanging out with weird people. Well, not weird, but lofty, high minded. Intelligent. What was wrong with that? She tugged at her bottom lip, looking away.

She had been wrong. Wasn't she supposed to be happy? Liam felt unsettled, uneasy as she stared at Zayn, looking away after a point because she'd seen enough of Zayn having fun with other people, people that Liam probably wouldn't ever be able to talk to or fit in with, naive little thing that she was.

"Come on," she said to Niall quietly. She slipped away with him down the exit on the other end, careful to avoid falling into Zayn's line of vision. Niall grumbled about how something just wasn't right, about how he had a bad feeling that something was just too convenient about Zayn being alone, but Liam wasn't having it.

"You don't think there's something weird about that? Since when does Zayn do things alone? Without people we all know?" he protested in the car. Jade had been waiting there, reading a magazine. She was on getaway vehicle duty, in case they needed to make a quick exit, but since they didn't, she told Niall to drive, picking at a bag of trail mix.

"There's nothing weird about it. She's just, you know, like artsy and brooding. She's probably trying to work on her next series or something," Liam protested. "Maybe this is inspirational?"

"For  _fuck's_ sake," Niall huffed, rolling his eyes. "I love you, Li, you know I do, but you need to get your head out of Zayn's fucking arse and - "

"The baby can hear you," Jade said, rubbing her small pot belly with a small frown.

"Sorry." Jade gave him a small smile, hand over his when he settled it on her tummy, Liam, you need to get your head out of your girlfriend's bits and face the facts. She isn't who you think she is. I'm tellin' ya, that girl is there. I mean, I didn't, like, see her, but I know she's there, somewhere. Lurkin' and sh - stuff. Like a right creep, yeah." Liam sunk into her seat, face pressed against the window.

♥♥♥

The phone number had been wearing a hole in Liam's pocket for two weeks. At that point, Zayn had neither been acting too hot nor too cold, like she was forcing herself to be normal, which was obviously inherently suspicious and strange. She didn't want to call. If anything, she wanted to let Zayn know what she did, felt so guilty. It was just such an extreme violation of privacy, and it only proved that Liam didn't trust Zayn. Which - okay, she totally did. Of course. Because she loved Zayn, and she wanted Zayn to love her too.

But that phone number taunted her, made her cry in the middle of the night because she wanted to know, but at the same time feared what she would find. Could Zayn really have been cheating on her? No, of course not - Zayn wouldn't, she would remind herself. Because Zayn was honest, Zayn was kind, Zayn wanted Liam.

But  _S..._  who was this damned  _S_? And why did they have a heart next to their initial? Liam paced in her room, holding her phone tightly. She had too many options at her disposal. She could have confronted Zayn about mountain of evidence that Liam had unwillingly been stacking against her. She could just call and keep whatever happened during the call a secret. But what if  _S_  told Zayn? What if? She couldn't risk it.

She bit down on her bottom lip and sighed, running a hand through her hair with a small tremble. She had to be strong, had to be firm and just make a decision and stick to it. Why was this so hard? Why was it all so challenging and difficult? Her heart clenched as she tried to figure out what to do. She could do what Niall wanted her to do, and just break it off and be done with it. Or she could give Zayn the benefit of the doubt.

When had Zayn ever lied to her? When had she ever betrayed Liam's trust? She felt stupid, and weird, and paranoid and angry with herself because of her stupidity. How could she actually suspect Zayn? Liam felt guilty about it, felt like the fact that she didn't trust Zayn was a bad sign. But she wanted to trust her, and she had, before all of this, trusted her wholeheartedly, with everything in her heart and mind and body.

_But._

There was that ever present  _but_ , the stipulation that she wished didn't exist. She would trust Zayn so much if she wasn't acting like Liam had done something. But since Liam had done nothing but maybe love Zayn too much, maybe to an unhealthy point, but - but Zayn was just off, damn it. Could this  _S_  person have been the answer?

Liam sat down, a little dizzy because she could barely breathe. She unlocked her phone and laid down, rolling over onto her side. She dialed the number on the paper, crumbling it inside her clammy palm. Once the phone began to rang, she laid down, closing her eyes to wait for an answer. Was she even ready for an answer? Liam wanted to hang up, but couldn't get to it quick enough.

"Hello?" a girl answered, coughing a little. "Who is this?" Liam felt her chest growing tight. "Zayn? Did you get a new phone?" Liam hung up, tossing her phone away. Why would Zayn have a new phone? Why would she assume that Zayn had a new number? And how much did they even talk?

♥♥♥

"If you were keeping something from me, you'd tell me, right?" Liam asked, arm extended over Zayn's soft abdomen. She gnawed on her bottom lip, worn and busted from all the biting and chewing she'd been doing on it over the last few days. Zayn let out a soft breath, making a noise of protest. She'd finally fallen asleep, thought that she'd tired Liam out enough so that she'd fall asleep and that would be that. And the thing was that if Liam wasn't so pent up and confused and sad she probably would have fallen right asleep, wouldn't have focused on worrying about something that she clearly couldn't control.

"What?" Zayn's voice was quiet, scratchy with sleep and exhaustion. She turned a little, moving Liam with her. "What are you on about?"

"Just... we don't have any secrets, do we?" she asked quietly, glancing back at Zayn. Her response was a sleepy smile and a soft sigh, holding Zayn close again. "You promise?"

"Would I lie to you?"

The problem was... well. Would she lie to Liam?

♥♥♥

By the time Louis' birthday rolled around, Harry and Louis were back together. And while Liam didn't think it was a good idea, it was a testament to how much they cared about each other. She didn't understand what the spat that had broken them up was about, but whatever it was had really upset Harry quite a bit. Louis had made a huge fuss out of his apology. Flowers and chocolates in the middle of the hallway, loud and cheeky and bold.

Liam probably would have forgiven him too, she mused as she watched them, wistful. Zayn snorted and told Liam that it wasn't that serious, and that it wasn't even a big deal for her to get so emotional about it. It was all for the show of it, really. Liam thought it was so romantic, Louis tracking her down in the middle of the hallway in front of pretty much their whole grade the day before they split for winter break to let Harry know that he loved her and that he was, admittedly, an asshole and wanted her back because he missed her greatly.

And from Louis, of all people. Zayn with a penis, basically, equally as aloof and smoldering and uninterested and uncaring and unflinching.

But Liam kind of wished Zayn would do things like that too, that she would surprise her and change. She missed how they used to be.

Zayn used to sneak out of class to take Liam to the loos or the dusty corner in the library. She used to hold her. She used to kiss her, hug her, adore her. And, almost overnight, Liam had become chop liver to Zayn and it made her feel... uneasy.

Maybe Louis' birthday would be the turning point. It would have to be, Liam reasoned as she wrapped the big box in her room. She bought him a few jumpers and a book and some aftershave, since she wasn't exactly sure what he would like because they had, maybe, exchanged somewhere close to fifty to sixty words since the school year started. She pressed the tape against the edges of the wrapping paper, securing it to the box. She wrote him a simple card and tucked it in to the bow, sighing. Self satisfied.

Things would... be okay. At the party, maybe once Zayn had loosened up a little and maybe once they'd gotten some time alone, maybe Zayn would be more willing to let Liam in. And her heat would probably come during their winter break, which would probably force them to spend more time together, too. How morbid. She was looking for situations that would force Zayn to be with her. Shouldn't Zayn have been looking for opportunities to be with Liam instead of the other way around?

♥♥♥

 _Goddamn_ , Liam looked good. She had slipped into a pretty black dress, lashes and pressed hair and makeup. She felt like dolling herself up for Zayn, try to get her attention that way. She felt beautiful, and she hoped that maybe it would snap her out of that stupid daze that she had been in for the last few weeks. Red lipstick and chunky heels and a pretty coat. She'd had dinner with her parents earlier, and was going to take a cab Niall's so he could take her to the party with Jade because Zayn had a  _thing_ before the party.

Liam was ready to wow her. The party was going to be amazing. Music and drinks and something exciting, really, Louis had promised everyone invited that there would be fireworks and a smashing DJ and  _god_. Liam was just excited about it, excited to do something with Zayn that would leave them the opportunity to be alone together and still be with other people. It was going to be fantastic.

The cab drive was something she barely even lingered on - she was busy trying to check her makeup in the dark backseat and see if Zayn had texted her to tell her what time she'd be at the party. When she'd gotten to Niall's, Jade was already outside with Niall. He was helping her into the car. (Jade was actually so cute - big eyes and little tummy and classy little dress and Liam was both enamored and slightly envious because she could probably pull off being naked and rolled in mud and still look stunning.) After paying the cab driver, Liam walked towards Niall's car, balancing the box in her hands.

"You're going to slip and kill yourself in those shoes," Niall said, helping her into the backseat. Liam simply smiled at him cheekily and set the box next to her, holding her clutch on her lap.

"I think she looks very nice," Jade said, turning around to talk to Liam. They spent the majority of the trip to Louis' talking about trivial nothings, frivolous and not really much in the grand scheme of things. Their arrival was at just the right time. Not too early, when hardly anyone was there, and not too late, when too many people were milling about, stumbling into walls and crying on the phone because they were just "so mottled". Niall dropped them off at the front door, on the steps, and then went to go park the car on the side of the hill that led to Louis'.

Liam spotted Zayn's car, black and sleek among the other cars. She smiled a little to herself, glancing at her phone. Maybe she'd just gotten there because she hadn't texted Liam, but - whatever. It didn't even matter. She'd probably forgotten. The girls walked in with Niall, and after depositing their gifts in the growing pile in the parlor, they went their separate ways. They'd only be there for a little while, and Liam was probably going to go home with Zayn or Harry, anyway.

Harry and Louis were dancing and doing shots - typical. Liam wasn't surprised, hanging her coat up in the cloakroom. She found herself with a drink her hand, bouncing a little to the beat of the loud song as she walked through the crowded house. Mistletoe hung from pretty much every door way, tinsel wrapped around the stairs. Every room had a little Christmas tree with small (probably fake) presents beneath. Harry really knew how to throw a party, Liam thought as she searched for Zayn.

She sipped her bitter drink, making a face at it. It wasn't very strong, just sour, but she supposed she'd had worse. She smiled when she spotted Zayn's familiar shock of brown hair bundled in a bun on her head. She was facing away from Liam, on her phone. She was in the living room, on the opposite side of the very room where Harry and Louis were making out on a flimsy table. Liam pushed her way through the crowd, hopeful and happy.

There came a moment in every single person's life that defined a period for them. A singular moment where everything came crashing down and turned horrible and where everything went bad in the blink of an eye. When it happened, Liam simply stood still and watched, felt like she'd been punched and stabbed and gutted all in the same breath. She dropped her drink, nails digging into her clutch as tears bit and stung at her eyes.

Zayn was kissing another girl. Or the other girl was kissing Zayn, or whatever - it wasn't Liam, and Liam was, after an initial minute of sadness, furious. She stormed over, stepping on feet and huffing, not at all bothered by the tears that rolled down her cheeks. She wasn't sad, she was angry, angrier than she'd ever been in her whole life.

"Who are you?" Liam hissed, glaring at the blonde girl. She was devastatingly beautiful, with her wiry limbs and so free and flippant. She looked at Liam curiously, like she had no business being there at all even though Liam was sure it was the other way around. How did she find herself here? Was she making a scene? It was Christmas, damn it. And it was Louis' birthday. At a party in front of all of their friends wasn't the place she wanted to do this, but Liam had no other choice. "Who the  _fuck_ are you?"

"Liam - "

"Shut  _the fuck up_ , Zayn," Liam hissed, looking at the girl. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Who the fuck is this?" the girl asked, making a face at Zayn. "I'm Shoshannah. Who the fuck are you? Who do you think you're talking to?"

Shoshannah.  _This_  was Shoshannah, the girl who had taken advantage of Zayn like no one else should have? This was her? Liam was furious, wanted to slap her and kick her and hurt her but she couldn't, could only huff and try to calm herself down to no avail.

"I'm talking to  _you_ ," Liam hissed, shooting a look at Zayn, who kept trying to explain, before turning back at Shoshannah. "If anyone should be mad here, it's me. You're the one making out with my girlfriend!"

" _Girlfriend_? Zayn, what the hell? You have a girlfriend?" Liam's jaw almost dropped, sniffing a little as she looked at Zayn, pained. "It never occurred to you to tell me you have a fucking girlfriend?"

"You weren't even supposed to be here," Zayn countered, glaring at Shoshannah. "I told you not to come."

"That's your excuse, Zayn?  _Shoshannah wasn't supposed to be here_? So it's not your fault then? Oh,  _poor Zayn_. Can't lie anymore, can she?" Liam asked, pushing her hand away. "What the hell is even going on?! Is this her, huh? This is who's been sneaking around with then?"

"It's not like that, Liam - " Zayn protested, hand on Liam's cheek. "Listen, it's - " Liam ripped Zayn's hand away, chest tight. " _Liam_."

"Don't you  _Liam_ me, Zayn. Don't you fucking  _Liam_ me! You're making a fucking mug out of me in front of everyone and  _you want to Liam me_?! Fuck you," Liam cried, hands shaking. She could feel people staring at them, cheeks burning with shame and regret and even guilt, even though she hadn't done anything wrong. "I knew it. I fucking  _knew_ it, and I just - I can't fucking  _believe_ you'd do this to me."

"I can explain," Zayn said weakly, face ashen as she looked past Liam. Liam shook her head, hand shaking as she pointed a finger in Shoshannah's face.

"And  _you_ ," Liam hissed again, turning towards Shoshannah. "One,  _fuck_ you. Two, go fuck yourself - no, you know what? Go fuck each other, since you're both already well on your way. Don't let me interrupt. Wouldn't want to be rude, you know. And three, how the fuck did you not know she had a girlfriend? Huh? Zayn's a shit liar, and I'm sure you and I both know that. Don't lie to me and don't lie to yourself. For all the shit she talked about you, I'm surprised you're so pretty."

"Am I supposed to say thanks?" Shoshannah asked, tilting her head to the side. She was so beautiful, big green eyes and platinum blonde hair in a little bow on her head, black choker and a flannel dress. Tacky and weird but so cute. She was Zayn's type, after all. Weird and kitschy. And Liam had been so clean cut and ordinary, cute little girl that didn't even know what sex was. (Fingering herself and riding Zayn's strap on were two different things, and she would always rather the latter.)

"Is this her, huh?" Harry asked, popping up behind Liam. "This fucking bitch. Why the fuck are you here? Shoshannah, is it?" she scoffed, raising a carefully arched eyebrow. Louis caught up, and Liam didn't miss the look he gave Zayn, disappointed and surprised.

"What the - what the fuck is even happening here? I don't even know you, first of all," Shoshannah defended - because, of course, she couldn't be at fault. If Zayn was to be believed, Shoshannah wasn't supposed to be there, so she had no right to act like a victim  all of a sudden. Saint Shoshannah, patron saint of debauchery and liars. "And - "

"Save your excuses for someone who gives a fuck, okay? Are you okay, Liam?" Harry asked, wiping her cheeks. Liam sniffled, blowing her nose when Harry passed her a handkerchief, face in her neck as she turned away from them. "You should both be ashamed of yourselves, first of all," she said, hands combing through Liam's hair. "Secondly, if you were going to cheat, Zayn, you should have at least tried to fucking upgrade, instead of this fucking trash. Jesus Lord. And third, I don't really care if you stay or leave. It doesn't even matter. But, let me catch you trying to talk to Liam after this. Watch. You have no idea what you've been putting Liam through, do you? Do you even care? I'll be damned if I do it again."

Harry tugged Liam away, hissing and glaring at the small crowd that had gathered around them. Louis followed suit, but Liam could barely follow, well and proper crying into Harry's shoulder. She felt Louis kissing Harry's cheek after they exchanged their goodbyes, and heard her calling a cab, buttoning Liam's coat for her in the cloakroom.

"You sh-should stay," Liam protested, taking a tremulous breath. She wrapped her coat around herself, looking up at the sky. It was snowing again, light little flakes falling from the sky. "It's your party."

"It's Lou's party. I think he'll survive one night without me," she said, wrapping a comforting arm around Liam's shoulders. "I'm sure he'll be back to partying by the time the cab comes."

"Why are you doing this?" Liam asked, glancing over at her. Harry kissed her forehead, laughing a little as she rubbed the lipstick stain away.

"Sweetheart, I like to think of us as friends. And if we don't have each other, then who do we have?"


	16. i just wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam stopped dead in her tracks, pulling the headphones from her ears. She'd been running around the indoor track on the upper level of the gym, trying to get her mind off of Zayn. She'd taken suppressants to avoid her heat, couldn't bear the idea of it without Zayn. (Louis' hooked her up with the guy who he bought his pills from, and so far she'd felt mildly well. As long as she took the pills with food, Liam didn't get sick, or sweaty, or clammy.) The blonde girl - Shoshannah - had been following Liam for days. Not that Liam hadn't noticed.
> 
> "Can I help you?" Liam asked, making a face as she turned around. Other people gave them sideways glances with a wide berth. She moved to the side of the track, face blank. "Aren't you supposed to be with Zayn right now? Or have you found some other relationship to ruin?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please read the author's note at the end. it's been real. title credit: arctic monkeys - i wanna be yours.

"You probably should have told me about her," Shoshannah murmured quietly, flicking the thin cigarette between her fingers. Zayn was staring at the ceiling of the loft, out the large window. It was snowing, light and airy. The stars were barely out, obscured by heavy purple clouds. "What did you think I was going to do? Get upset that you moved on? I wanted this for you."

"It's a little late for that now," Zayn murmured quietly, taking a deep breath to steady herself. She wanted to cry. She didn't cry, was the thing. She made it a point after Shoshannah tossed her aside like last season's pumps to not be so vulnerable, not to be so open with her feelings. And then she met Liam. And Liam, with her soft eyes and smile and skin and kisses had taken down her strongy built walls, brick by brick with every kiss and hug and touch.

It was just really overwhelming for Zayn.

Had she taken Liam for granted? Had she assumed that Liam would never get sick of being treated like she didn't matter? Did she really think that Liam would always tolerate being treated like a commodity? She felt so stupid, so idiotic, so disappointed in herself. And even if Zayn told Liam everything, from the beginning in painfully intricate detail, well - would Liam believe her? Would she say Zayn was just making it up? Probably.

Fuck. Zayn didn't know she was crying until Shoshannah reached over and held her hand, giving her a tight squeeze. She hiccuped, closing her eyes as they burned. Her lungs were on fire too, wanting to expand and let air in but she couldn't, felt like everything was too much, too much. Liam was gone and she wasn't going to come back, and what was Zayn supposed to do?

"Do you love her?"

"Shut up," Zayn stammered, wiping her eyes with the corner of the abandoned blanket. "Just shut up. This is your fault."

"My fault? So you not telling me about Liam has nothing to do with this?"

She did make a good point, but it made Zayn's head pound to think about it, body tense as she stayed perfectly still.

"Do you think she hates me?" Zayn asked, looking over at her. Shoshannah's blonde hair was a messy disarray with undertones of brown here and there, would have made Zayn smile and admire her for her individuality. But at the moment, all Zayn could think about was how pained Liam looked, replaying it over and over in her mind like a broken record. "I would, I think. If I were her."

"Do you think maybe you should consider talking to her about it?"

"That's not funny," she murmured, rolling away from Shoshannah a little.

♥♥♥

Harry sat behind Liam, braiding her hair as they watched a film on her wall mounted television. She felt like Liam had calmed down quite a bit, given the events of the evening. The fact of the matter was that had that happened to Harry, she probably wouldn't have handled it as well. She would have screamed. Probably would have torn Shoshannah's hair out, carried on, made a massive scene. Not that Liam herself hadn't made a scene, but compared to how bad it could have been, Harry supposed it'd all gone relatively... well. If a breakup could go well, anyway. Which - to be honest, it really couldn't have, but Liam had been all grace and beauty and tempered fury.

Liam had cried for most of the ride home, sobbing on the train while people watched. Harry glared until they turned away, almost hissing at them. Had none of these people ever seen a vulnerable teenage omega before? Was that so out of the ordinary and extraordinary? Once they'd reached Harry's loft - she had been staying at a loft while her mum went off on a cruise with her boyfriend (her much younger, but apparently very affluent boyfriend) - Liam dove into the shower and Harry hovered in front of the door in worry until Liam asked her for a towel and a change of clothes.

Liam had, after freshening up, been sitting with Harry and had not so much as brought up the topic of Zayn, or Shoshannah. In hindsight, Harry supposed she should have seen it coming. Zayn had been distant, ignoring Liam, pushing her away almost; it was pretty obvious and yet Liam held onto the vain hope that it wasn't what she knew in her heart it was. And Harry had known, of course. How couldn't she? But Louis told her that it wasn't her responsibility to police their relationship. As much as she cared about Liam, it wasn't her right to expose Zayn. Or so Louis claimed, which was why Harry dropped cryptic hints every chance she got.

She wished it hadn't culminated so publicly, though, knew how embarrassing and mortifying it probably was for Liam, innocent little lamb that she was.

♥♥♥

"Do people think I'm stupid?" Liam asked quietly, glancing back at Harry. Harry was playing with the ends of her hair, half distracted as she stared at the film playing on the television. "With the whole Zayn thing, I mean. I feel like I was the last person to figure it out, which - "

"You're not stupid, Liam. You're in love. Who could blame you?" Liam picked at the bowl between her legs, eating the popcorn kernels slowly. "You wanted Zayn to be someone she wasn't. I want Louis to be something he isn't all the time. It'd be nice if he could remember certain dates, or not say anything stupid for longer than an hour, but that isn't who he is. You were in love with the person you wanted Zayn to be, Liam. That doesn't make you stupid."

"I didn't see it," Liam replied, tone soft as she sipped at her soda. "I should have. The signs were all there."

"This isn't your fault, Liam. Don't blame yourself. Did you force Zayn to do it? Did you make her?"

"No, but - "

"There aren't any buts, Liam. You expected Zayn to be faithful, the same way she expected that from you. That doesn't make you stupid. I don't think you're stupid."

"I asked about everyone else," Liam murmured, making a face. "I feel like such a mug," she mumbled. "Did I look like a mug? How many people knew?"

"Do you really want to know?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow. Liam shrugged, but Harry saw herself brace for the impact of whatever she thought Harry was going to say. "Not a lot, and most of us just wanted Zayn to do the right thing."

The right thing. Liam almost laughed, picking the lint off her pajama pants.

♥♥♥

Shoshannah was a person who very seldomly felt guilt. Guilt for what? Shoshannah lived a happy, carefree life, and may have left a path of destruction in her wake but in the end it was all worth it because she was happy, she was free, she was doing what she wanted and living her life happily. She'd come back home once she'd recieved the news about her mother's passing, had gone to the funeral, and had, on the way home, passed by an art studio run by an old friend - and she used that term loosely. She only stopped because of the name on the placard beneath the piece in the window - Z. Malik - with a small fond smile.

After that, it was only a matter of getting in touch with her and convincing her with not so many words to meet her for tea or coffee. She'd just missed Zayn, was all, missed the small little thing she'd known and grown to love in a sort of sad way. But Zayn was so different, had grown and matured and blossomed into a beautiful young lady and while Shoshannah would always love her in that sad and gentle way she always had, she realized that some of the feelings that hadn't been there at first were there then. And they were both older, both wiser and more mature and she had thought things would work out this time.

Zayn hadn't ever mentioned Liam. Though she'd noted the stray lovebite here or there, picked up on the increasingly familiar scent that hit her full force at the party, she'd not really noticed any real concrete signs of Zayn being involved with someone else.

The look on that poor girl's face broke Shoshannah's heart. Whoever she was, she honestly loved Zayn, probably loved her more than Shoshannah ever could or would. And Shoshannah had single handedly ruined it and she hadn't even meant to, which meant she could reap no real satisfaction, which in turn meant that she felt guilty. So Shoshannah fixed herself in something grey, loose white shirt and comfy running shoes. Her hair went up in a ponytail, makeup minimal. It was time to get personal.

She followed Liam for the last few days.

Liam spent a lot of time outside, oddly enough. She sat on her back porch for most of the evening in a blanket and mug of what Shoshannah assumed was something warm but it could have been anything, vodka or bourbon or whiskey or something but it wasn't because Liam was such a goody-two shoes, straight laced little angel. And she got mixed up with Zayn? Zayn, of all people. Zayn who spent most of her money on weed and paint and incense, who was probably going to be a starving artist. And she managed to snag little Liam? The whole thing was beyond her, but it wasn't Shoshannah's relationship so who was she to judge?

At least, at the very least, Shoshannah had to help her get her life back together. Even if she never got back with Zayn, she deserved an apology.

♥♥♥

Harry was hosting a New Years Eve party. It was a big thing, and Harry told her to come, and Liam would have gone had she not been sure that Zayn would be there with Louis and she didn't want to see Zayn. She wanted to die before seeing her. She'd rather that, really.

So Liam was at the gym, instead. Ruth was home and being annoying about Zayn. Her dad kept trying to bring Zayn up and only stopped after Liam burst into tears at lunch and ran up to her room, slamming the door. Grace was decidedly very silent, gave Liam her space, but did let her cry into her shoulder and murmured comforting words when she could. And Liam had made some sort of progress. By the time New Years' rolled by, Liam was almost well put together. She was close to not even crying at the mention of Zayn, had taken down their pictures and packed up Zayn's gifts and trinkets into a neat little box. (Out of sight, out of mind.)

But Shoshannah had been tailing her since the party. She first noticed her when she was sitting outside, staring at the sky from her porch. She couldn't sit in her room because Zayn was all over it, her scent and memories in every single part of it. Liam almost threw up the first night she tried sleeping in her bed, so she sat outside instead. It was hard to keep track of the days and hours and nights but she struggled to remain normal, anyway.

So she would sit there and stare at the sky in a bundled blanket with some cocoa and remind herself of why her relationship with Zayn was dysfunctional and unhealthy. (But that was all outweighed by the happiness. Liam had been truly happy with Zayn, had felt alive and pure when she held her hand and kissed her in a crowded hallway.) And she saw Shoshannah, clear as day, peering over the fence on the other side, the weird neighbor's side.

And she followed Liam on her coffee runs. To the grocery store. Shopping with Harry. She was discreet, regardless, but Liam saw her, the ever present blonde shadow who

Liam stopped dead in her tracks, pulling the headphones from her ears. She'd been running around the indoor track on the upper level of the gym, trying to get her mind off of Zayn. She'd taken suppressants to avoid her heat, couldn't bear the idea of it without Zayn. (Louis' hooked her up with the guy who he bought his pills from, and so far she'd felt mildly well. As long as she took the pills with food, Liam didn't get sick, or sweaty, or clammy.) The blonde girl - Shoshannah - had been following Liam for days. Not that Liam hadn't noticed.

"Can I help you?" Liam asked, making a face as she turned around. Other people gave them sideways glances with a wide berth. She moved to the side of the track, face blank. "Aren't you supposed to be with Zayn right now? Or have you found some other relationship to ruin?"

"I wanted to apologize," Shoshannah said, but Liam scoffed and shook her head before she could get anything else out.

"Apologize? For what? For being the reason why I haven't slept in over a month? Maybe you'd like to apologize for making all my hair fall out. No, no - maybe you're trying to apologize for being the reason why my girlfriend treated me like I was gum on the bottom of her shoe for weeks?!"

Liam felt like she was probably making a scene. She had always been a calm person. Didn't like to make a fuss or cause any sort of commotion. She'd always been very lowkey. Very quiet. But after the events of the past week - the crying, the waking up from naps she hadn't realized she'd taken drenched in sweat, the inability to eat anything and keep it down - she'd grown an edge she wasn't aware she could have, felt hard and rough and like sandpaper, unpleasant to look at and touch. And given that edge, Liam found herself unable to be sympathetic to Shoshannah, and didn't see any reason for accepting her apology at all.

"You're making a scene. People are staring," Shoshannah said, leading her off the track. Liam hissed, cursing under her breath as she followed her down the steel steps and into the locker room down the hall.

"Do you see this?!" Liam hissed, hands trembling as she pulled down bottom lids of her eyes. They were bloodshot, dark bags rimming them. "Do you see what you've done to me, Shoshannah? I haven't - I haven't lived my life because you stormed into Zayn's, just when we were happy. We were happy! And you - you just came in and ruined everything."

"Liam, I understand that you're upset, but you need to calm down - "

"Calm down?! Calm down? No. I will not calm down, Shoshannah. I will not let you stand here and tell me you're sorry, and that you feel bad. Is this so you feel good about yourself? Do you really even care about anyone but yourself? You've ruined my life and I frankly don't care about how bad you feel, or how much you want to apologize. You've done enough, I think."

"Liam, I just - I didn't know."

"That isn't my problem. You hurt Zayn. I don't know what you did, but whenever we talked about you she looked so sad and pained. You had no right to come into Zayn's life the way you did. You ruined her too, and she'd worked so hard to put herself together and you just - you ruined it. You ruin things, Shoshannah. You ruin people and places and things. And I don't care if you feel bad. I don't care if you've learned of the error of your ways. You can go fuck yourself with it. I don't care."

Liam started to pack her gym bag, taking a sip of water from her water bottle. She wiped the sweat away and pulled on a large jumper and her coat, shaking her head.

"And you know what else? If you're going to stalk someone, try not to be such a fucking creep about it."

She walks past the girl, flipping her pony tail over her shoulder as she adjusted the strap of her bag. She was on the verge of tears, but she wouldn't let the girl see it.

"She loves you," Shoshannah called out as Liam opened the door. She stopped short, hand slipping off the handle. "Zayn, I mean. She's like, really in love with you."

"Did she make you come here to say that? Hm?"

"No. She's been staying with me since... since the thing," she mumbled. "And all she's been on about is you. She didn't say it, explicitly, but, like - it doesn't take a genius to figure out how she feels about you, Liam. It's all in her tone."

"I don't care."

"Why are you still talking to me, then? If you don't care." Shoshannah did make a valid point. Liam was rooted to her spot, blood pounding in her ears as she stared at the wood finish on the door. "She really cares about you and she did something stupid and juvenile and reckless but that does not change how much she loves you, Liam. That girl that stand right now? She's a mess. And she's weird, and sometimes she does does dumb shit and you'll get so mad at each other, and have a massive row, but - Liam, that doesn't change the facts. I came home because I missed her and I wanted to see how she was and - she - she was happier than I'd ever seen her."

"She wasn't happy with you." Shoshannah made a noise, but Liam didn't turn around, hands at her sides.

"Zayn was... well rested. She was taking care of herself. She didn't even smoke as much."

"She smoked more?"

"Yeah." Shoshannah sounded fond for a moment before continuing. "Do you understand? Do you see - I came home for her and she wanted you. She wanted us to finish whatever unfinished business we had. But I thought, at the time, that she was just... fucking about, wasting time. And then I saw you at the party... and I saw how she looked at you." Shoshannah's laugh was sad, poignant. "She never looked at me like that. Even when I left. Especially after that. But she - she holds you in such high esteem, Liam. She loves you. Her art is about you. She never drew me, or asked me to pose for her. She never showed me any of it."

"You were too busy doing coke and shooting up."

"That's besides the point."

Liam's eyes closed as she smiled, reminiscing for a moment about the countless evenings spent in Zayn's company, staying still and being rewarded with kisses and soft sighs and pants. Her cheeks flushed, eyes squeezed tight.

"I knew you before I knew you. Isn't that wild? I saw you in the galleries, on the walls. In Zayn's sketchbooks. I saw glimpses of you in everything around Zayn. That weird bracelet she won't take off. Your scent. I didn't know what it was and I wondered why she was wearing such a strong perfume, but - well. I just - I'm not here for me. And I know that I've hurt you and I'm sorry. Regardless of whether or not you forgive me, Zayn will be mad about you. And she may never forgive herself for this. For what she's done to you, the party... everything. I just - I thought you should know that she's suffering, too."

♥♥♥

Liam came home from the gym around seven. She showered. She cried. She tried to eat and managed to keep down some crackers and dry soda, so she supposed that was progress. She paced for a good twenty minutes before she decided to go to Harry's. What was the worst thing that could happen? The police, but - well - they couldn't do much about noise, except tell them to keep it down.

She'd been in a sort of mourning state over their relationship and everything that they were, and had, as such, been wearing a lot of black. Black dresses and pants and shirts and underwear. Black makeup. Not bad. Made her look tough.

Shoshannah's words played perpetually - Zayn loves you, Zayn loves you, Zayn loves you. Could Shoshannah be right? But could she be wrong? Liam didn't know, fixing the black tights and checking them for runs before slipping the dress over her head.

She was going to go to the party to have fun. And maybe see Zayn. She needed air, fresh air, her friends, something loud and bursting. She wanted a drink. And she wanted to find peace, and she could only find that outside the confines of her bedroom.

♥♥♥

Zayn looks like a vision in white. She wore a white dress and was quiet, muted. Niall hissed something about Zayn being at the party and after that Liam's little bubble had popped. She'd actually been enjoying herself to a certain degree. Harry gave her a drink and Louis gave her a shot and she was set, dizzy and happy and having forgotten, for a point, everything. All she knew were lights and bodies and sweat and glitter and loud, loud, loud music, noise and giggles and chatter.

And life was good.

But Niall scowled about Zayn being there, and then Liam turned around and true to Niall's word, there she was, talking to Louis. She almost looked like a stranger to Liam, Liam who'd been starving for a glimpse (and hadn't realized she'd been starving up until that point). Long hair. Straight long hair. When did Zayn start doing her hair? She looked polished, well put together, but still very sad.

Liam forced herself to look away, hands trembling as she struggled to hold onto her drink. She felt so nervous all of a sudden, clammy and hot. She wanted air, wanted to breathe, wanted to think. And cry. But why should she have cried over Zayn? Zayn hurt her. Liam didn't do anything. Zayn had left her alone, had stood her up at restaurants and shut her out day after day, and Liam was the one who waited. Liam was the one who loved her, damn it. And these were Liam's friends, too.

Liam tore herself away from them, mumbling a quiet excuse as she walked out of the room. She searched for an exit, stepping on toes and splashing her drink on people in her stumbled haste. She sighed once she found the balcony, sliding the door open before sliding it shut.

The city below was dizzying. Bright, twinkly lights, people out in the streets cheering and laughing and careening around the town square as they waited for the ball drop overseas to be televised. Was it that late already? She leaned against the railing, mind spinning in a million different directions. Zayn Shoshannah fuck damn it alll Zayn Zayn Zayn why is the room spinning I'm so sad I miss you come back please no wait don't -

"Liam."

"Go away," Liam murmured. She sounded so weak and tired - when had she gotten so weak? When had Zayn become her life? When? "Please."

"You're going to fall."

"What if I want to fall?" Liam asked, eyes closed. She wouldn't give her the satisfaction, gripping the wrought iron railing tightly. Zayn was silent, no response. Her scent was making Liam feel like crumbling, bottom lip quivering as she held back the tears. She smelled like home and Liam was so homesick she felt like she could die, struggling not to lean over the railing and vomit.

"I miss you."

"You're a liar."

"I really fucked up."  
  
Liam stood straight, a chill rising up her spine as she opened her eyes again. Everything was blurred with tears, lights a muddy twinkle that she couldn't distinguish. Her heart pounded as she held on with everything she had, willing herself to stay still. Zayn wasn't going to see this. She wouldn't see her cry and wouldn't hear Liam tell her she was sad and wanted nothing more than to forget everything that had happened.

"I - Liam, I - you - you found me at a very... odd time in my life. I had, for the longest time, been very independent. And I had always been very self assured, especially after the Shoshannah era. She really - she fucked me up, real bad, Liam and I - I knew better. I know how you feel and I've been where you are and I always told myself that I would never inflict that upon anyone else because that was awful. I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. I spent a whole summer in the same damn bed with the same tear stained sheets and pillows. I know about the night sweats and the nightmares that feel so real that you still don't know if they're real or just a dream. I know, Liam. And that's why I - I get it. I get why you don't want to look at me and I get why just seeing me makes you feel sick to your stomach."

"I love you." It leaves Liam quietly, a soft whisper in the dead of night. "I love you and I wanted you to know that, that night. I wanted - I wanted your love, Zayn. I didn't want anything but your love and you hurt me."

"I know."

"Do you? Do you know how many nights I waited for you? Do you know I followed you around for days, trying to figure it out? Do you know how many arguments I got into with Niall and Jade and Lou and Harry because I told them all they were wrong and that you would never cheat on me with anyone else? Do you know how stupid you made me feel?" Her voice cracked as she took a breath, tears rolling down her cheeks. "You've ruined me for anyone else."

"I'm sorry."

"She told me what you said," she continued, voice thick. "She told me that you love me but why would you put me through all of this if you did? I don't - I don't understand, Zayn. I don't see why you would, or anyone would, put someone through something so horrible in the name of love."

"I wanted - I told myself I wanted closure. I wanted to be the girl you wanted me to be. I wanted to be everything for you and I couldn't because Shoshannah was just - she left me in a very sad and horrible place and that's - that's no excuse, and I understand that now. At the time, I was being very selfish and self-absorbed. And I wanted her to know about you, Liam. I wanted her to see you the way I did so she could understand why she had to let me go. And the party - she was never supposed to be there, Liam - "

Liam took a deep breath and leant over the rail a little, gulping as the wind blew across her face, sharp and cold. Her tears dried on her face, glistening trails of shame and regret.

"But that doesn't help either. I wanted - I was going to see her before the party to tell her that we couldn't be what she wanted us to be, and she couldn't meet with me and I told her not to come to the party but she did and then - well. You know the rest. I haven't - it's been very difficult for me to come to terms with what I've done to you, Liam. I'm not asking you to forgive me or take me back or even speak to me again. I want you to do what makes you happy. I want you to be free to do what you'd like to do. And I want you to know that you - "

The people inside yelled as the music got cut, counting down to welcome the new year.

_Ten!_

"Say it."

_Nine!_

"Liam - "

_Eight!_

" _Say it_ , Zayn," Liam begged quietly, voice catching in her throat as she turned around. Zayn was a lot closer than she anticipated, but she didn't back away - couldn't, even if she wanted to. "Say it."

_Seven!_

Liam's hands cupped Zayn's cheeks, blinking the tears away as she looked at her. Their foreheads rested together, noses brushing as Liam held her still.

_Six!_

"Please?"

_Five._

"You know I do."

_Four!_

"But I need you to say it."

_Three!_

"I love you - "

And that was it, really. That was all Liam wanted, and even if the slim possibility that Zayn didn't mean it was a reality, she didn't care because she was hopeless, was the thing. And Zayn was hope and summer and rain and joy and sunshine and everything Liam had ever wanted. That kiss at midnight? It was fire, electricity, unbridled and passionate and made Liam feel, for a moment, perhaps, that they would be quite alright. Perhaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take this moment now to thank everyone who has read Black Treacle, reblogged anything about it, hoped for it, dreamed for it, supported it so fully and passionately. I honestly never expected this reaction when I first wrote it. I actually thought a lot of people would hate it, or dislike it, or tell me it was stupid, if they even read it at all. And to be honest, this reaction has been one of those humbling moments in life that have made me take a second to just breathe in and realize that my works are loved, that my writing is loved and that i’m somewhat validated as an author. so thank you all. it both greatly saddens me but me affords me a great joy to inform you all that the chapter I just posted will be the end of black treacle. I may in the future write an epilogue, but for the most part, this is the end. 
> 
> thank you from the bottom of my heart, truly. 
> 
> I will, however, be posting Little Lamb/Peach within the next few days. thank you for having joined me on this incredible journey, and for having been so loyal and supportive.
> 
> much love, joy, and happiness. xo


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